Messy Learning and Limit Pushing

##The Inherent Bullshit of Learning

Recently, I stopped doing zettelkasten for my study notes: I found that it was simply overkill, and took a lot of time for little return. I've since slimmed my system down to only cornell notes.

I did a little studying today, and was beset by a gnawing fear of missing an idea, or failing to adequately understand something. I wasn't exactly struggling; the fear seems to have come out of thin air. But my response to this was an urge to dramatically overcomplicate things, again, with the idea that if things are just complex enough I can somehow force the process of learning to be neat and clean and organized and coherent.

But the reality is: it isn't. Learning is messy and confusing and weird and imperfect. It isn't a problem solvable with a formula or an algorithm. So much of it takes place below the consciousness that it's often difficult to tell whether or not learning has even occured - many people simply see it as a mysterious black box[0] where ideas go in, learning comes out, but the process behind it is one big ????

However, even if you understand how learning works, that's still different from actually *doing* it. Engaging with ideas you don't already understand means... engaging with things you don't understand. And that's always going to be at least a little bit stressful. But I was spoken to very harshly when I was young, and the result is that I stress myself out obsessively over little details, including ones that haven't even occured. I am obsessed with **academic completionism** - the feeling that the two real outcomes are 100% or 0%, and anything else is just a polite way of saying "failure." This holds me back so much, but even now, at 28, I still catch myself thinking that way.

I think the only way out is through it, though. You kind of have to just keep pushing yourself into that uncomfortable situation and being mindful of your self-talk until your subconscious learns that no, you are not in fact going to actually die because you forgot some details of a new and confusing subject.

##Limit Pushing

I studied for about 55 minutes, then took a break. I was starting to get a little tired. As often happens when I take breaks, I found myself with the urge to call it a day here. I found myself thinking that 55 minutes is plenty of time, that I'm starting to feel cognitively drained, and wouldn't it be fun to go do something else instead? Now, it's true that putting in a solid 55 minutes is something you should congratulate yourself for, but lately I've found that when you find yourself up against a desire to not do, you should push on it a little and see what happens. On the other side of it is almost always more energy than you thought you had, especially if you make a habit of it. So that's what I did: I sat back down and I got back to work, and I ended up putting in an hour and 10 minutes more. Now **that's** a strike!

Unfortunately, I'm now up against a different limit: my handwriting. My handwriting form is off in a way that causes pain and muscle twitches, and it's getting worse. My hand is twitching so hard today that it's involuntarily snapping shut. So if I want to keep doing this, I'm going to have to re-learn how to handwrite, on my own, from the ground up. I'll try to put more serious effort into that going forward, and I'll keep track of my progress and setbacks on this blog as usual.

I dread having to do this with no guidance, but I taught myself math from the ground up with minimal guidance[1], so I can certainly do this.

[0] I don't have a source for this on hand but I swear I remember hearing this somewhere. I promise I'll update this when I find it.

[1] I'm not kidding about the ground up part: I graduated high school unable to solve 7+8 without counting on my fingers. I taught myself math starting from basic arithmetic. I've had some help along the way, but it hasn't taken the form of teaching or tutoring - just emotional and moral support. Fun fact: this is how I got the name MATHPUNK!

tags: learning, studying, notetaking, zettelkasten, limit-pushing, handwriting