Worm Moon retreat
First night

I went to bed at 20:30 and fell
asleep really fast. Got woken up
at 23:30, my daughter calling. It
was sweet to chat more.

I can't get back to sleep. There
is an unfamiliar feeling,
something from the past. It's not
enjoyable, but I guess I need to
go through it. I feel like I've
escaped that feeling for the last
couple years. And now it's there,
like an old song I haven't heard
for a while. Filled with
melancholia, a sense of
aimlessness.

I am reminded of a reflection I
had last week. These layers, that
compound over each other. Each
time something is not resolved and
I move on to something more
exciting, I create a layer. In
order to remove these layers, I
need to deal with them
sequentially starting with the
latest stuff. Once this is dealt
with, the previous layer now come
to the surface. Will I escape in
something new or deal with that
layer? There is a moment of
choice, continue removing layers,
or creating new ones? I guess I
can also stall in the in-between,
for a moment.

This is uncomfortable. It brings
back sensations from the past. It
feels like going backward. It
moves away from the pleasure
offered by Maya, or the
illusion. I want to convince
myself that enjoying the
illusion is also moving forward,
what else is there than
enjoyment? There is a sadness
attached to letting go of the
illusion, the dreams, can't there
be a way to be both enjoying the
world and removing these layers,
these samskaras?

But for now, what is this new
feeling? It something I haven't
felt in a while. Was it right
after my separation? I feel like
if I can deal with that, then
I'll have a big chunk of stuff to
deal with from the
relation. Which then brings me
back into my timeline to when I
was living in Montreal with
Nicholas.

I've done that process in the
past, removed a few layers of
stuff from my youth, young
adult. But then I went back into
the creation of more karma, or
these layers, or samskaras. I
like the idea of cleaning up some
of the accumulated karma. But the
attraction to run away into
another illusion is also quite
strong, although I don't know
what it would be. Making lots of
money and traveling the world?

I feel like my daughter is a
good reason to stay within the
illusion of the world. It would
be quite boring for her to see me
withdraw from reality to simply
work on cleaning up my karma. Can
I do both at the same time?
Cultivate the power to control
the world and at the same time
deal with my limitations?

If I'd gain more power over
manifesting my reality, I am not
sure I wouldn't slip back into
creating a fantasy world for
myself. The issue is that, what is
created has a price. There is no
pleasure without the suffering,
although maybe I'm just not
confident enough in my
manifestation? My human mind
might be too limited to
understand my full potential
too. Scared that there is always
a price to pay.

Can I manifest a beautiful
reality for me and my daughter,
while being fully aware and
working toward my liberation? The
illusion is so tempting.