I missed the psychedelic world.

Today I sampled a new batch of
magic mushroom. Freeze dried
snooze berries. They are very
strange looking mushroom, they
look very tasty, and are chubbier
than the normal long bodied small
cap type of mushroom.

The freeze dried method is said
to keep more of the good effect
in and let less oxidation. The
snooze berry, no idea why the
name, but it's a mix of strand.
There is some research and
development in the world of magic
mushroom these days. Growing
shroom is so cheap, that if you
want to make a dime, you have to
be creative. It's also
interesting that various mushroom
will have distinctive effects.
There is a kind of mushroom that
makes you hallucinate small
people. Throughout the world, the
same strain of mushroom has the
same effect. So I assume if you
are to mix different spores, you
could mix different effect.

In any case, the snooze berry is
said to be gentle, with a ease of
going into visual hallucinations,
and a milder trip. The freeze dry
method also give a better taste
to the mushroom and it's easier
to eat them.

I took 0.3g of mushroom, which
could be just above the micro
dose. The onset was really quick,
and there wasn't much digestive
disruption.

I went for a bath to start the
trip, wanting to be comfortable
and warm. I then proceeded to the
hammock, again being as
comfortable as possible. The
visual field started to distort
quite quickly. Nothing major, but
a general spiraling of reality.

My mind was really busy with
hearing music, thinking about the
future, the past. I breath in,
come back to the now, what is
going on, now?

Then I dropped in my emotional
body right away. I cried like I
haven't cried in a long time.
Like a child, with a lot of
sobbing, and lot of profound
sound. I moved from the hammock to
the couch and continued crying
there for a while.

I realized the dept of the grief
I was holding. The escape from
one relation to the other,
leading to the grief of
separating from my wife. The
separation with her isn't what
bring me sadness, it's the fact
that I don't spend as much time
with my daughter that creates
sadness. Realizing the
multi-layers of the partners I
would choose and how it would
ease these changes in my life.

Not living the grief by escaping
in some new adventure. I miss
dearly my last partner, I could
hear her voice, her gentle touch.
I cried for her, for the crazy
situation we were in, for the
stress and the surreal situation.

Once I calmed down a bit I put on
my rain coat, and headed for a
walk in my trail, behind the
house. I cried, and walked, had a
bit of hape. I sat, and then
visited the little brook. Rinse
my face, and then decided to take
a photo of the remain of a dear
in a swamp.

I walked barefoot for a bit,
grounding, observing. I made so
resolve, I need to stop smoking,
my lungs aren't happy anymore.
I didn't make any resolve about
the people I loved.

The trip ended as quickly as it
started. I called my daughter
after that. Happy to connect with
her. She was tired and wasn't too
talkative. I had a bit of food,
smoked oysters with cream cheese
on cracker. Now drinking some
green tea, and writing.

The healing effect of the
mushroom are so deep for me. I
forget and then come back to
them. I have a lot of that batch
of shroom, so I'll be able to
have many more trips like that. I
feel like at least once a week
will be needed for the next
little while, until my emotional
body is in better shape.

I'm slowly redefining who I am,
who I used to be, who I want to
be. With the boxing training,
with the psychedelic, with my
disconnection to the technology, 
watching less tv and many more
changes that happened in the last
few months, I feel like I'm
waking up after so many years of
sleeping. I'm a strange mix of
pagan psychedelic hacker hippy
artist, and I really like that.
A proper freak, and I'm probably
going a bit mad. I'm definitely
going a bit mad. 

For a moment in the trail, as I
was crying myself into healing,
there was this seed of an idea,
how we escape from the past by
moving into something that makes
us forget about the past. In the
last year, I saw I was running
away from some grief into a new
adventure, and before that
adventure finished, I was running
into a new one. Never taking the
time to grieve properly. 

How many layers of this are we
accumulating? What was the first
avoidance, the first move away
from our true self? We build a
complete reality through our
escapism, and un-building that
reality has to go through so many
layers. Do we have to undo all of
these patterns one at a time?

I was lucky enough in my life to
be kicked back into re-define my
reality on a regular basis since
a very young age. This made me stop along
the way, re-visit what I though
was real and where I want to
go. But I see some people who
haven't had that opportunity, who
kept on always moving forward
without stopping and asking where
is this all going? Work more to
make more to spend more, this Red
Queen race, leading nowhere.
Today I was able to stop, cry and
redefine where I want to go... 

God, I love magic mushroom.