The development of speech in
early childhood is not linear.
It plateau for a while and then
jump. In a spiritual development
you have a similar curve. It
lingers for a while, and then
reality shift all at once.

These shift can be traumatic, and
we all deal with them in our own
way. At first it feels like a
step backward for a bit, but
after many of these shifts, you
start to see a pattern.

The last few weeks have been
quite liberating and
energizing. It was quite the
pressure cooker of evolution.

From being afraid to be on the
road, to releasing a lot of old
attachments and desires, to
wanting to get back on the road
asap. Attachments change, my
relation to sexuality change,
I've become clearer on what I
want from relationship, from my
future. I've danced so hard that
my feet still hurts, which
liberated a lot of stuck energy. 

Now I'm integrating. What does it
looks like? Cigarettes, beer,
porn, watching too much tv, and
doing not much practices. It's
gross, but I don't care, I don't
judge, I've been there, and I
know it's a phase. Today is
already better, did some chi kung
this morning, back into push up,
a bit of meditation, I hope this
'integration' is over for now so
I can get back to myself. A
moment of grief of letting go of
my old self, it can't be rushed.

It's very similar to a trauma
response. I saw it all the time
when I lived at the Ashram. Some
people fall sick, I called it a
spiritual flu. Some people wants
to run away from the place. Some
will fall in love to distract
them from he process. Anything
goes, anything that is not
helping to evolve, a break from
awakening. 

These phases are getting shorter and
shorter. There is nothing I can
do, I laugh at myself, tenderly.
Really? This is what you want to
do, all right, have at it. I know
it's not going to last. 

By not resisting these moments,
they pass by faster. By not
judging my limitation, I can move
forward, get back to who I am, to
my rhythm. The stronger the shift
in reality, the longer these
transition lasts. I am not sure
why.

At the same time life seems
to provide for them. I've never
had a fridge full of beer in
many, many years, or a couple
pack of smoke, both because there
was a party at my place. As if
the whole thing was planned.
Here so time alone, nothing to
do, smokes, beer and a mild
depression.

Three more smokes and then I'm
done with that. I didn't
drink all the beer, but I
physically can't drink that much
beer, so I guess that'll stay in
there until the next party. I
just have to wait and see, but it
does feel like it's over pretty
soon.