I feel silly again.

Telling jokes, singing songs and
laughing at myself. The energy is
good. A night of (dream) party, lot
of (dream) sex and (dream) girls. I'm
very thankful my dreams are
balancing my energies like that.

I was definitely off last Friday,
my energy cultivation wasn't
moving in the right direction. I
partied over the weekend, two
nights in a row, tequila, mescal,
late nights and drugs. Nothing
too brutal compared to some of
the weekends in the last few
months, but enough to drain some
of that energy out.

I need to work on my mind for a
while, being clearer on what I
want to let happen in my mind and
what I want to discard. Every
thoughts to be observed, and
discarded into the light as
needed.

I simply visualize the thought to
leave my head from the forehead,
and get dissolve in a ball of
light in front of me. A feeling
of expulsion, almost vomiting
that image. Making sure there is
no emotions attached to that
process. I'm not pushing it away,
I'm thanking whatever was there,
I'm grateful for the experience,
but I'm ready to move on,
therefore I need to let go of the
thoughts.

It's really the seed of
everything. When I use the
expression nipping it in the bud,
I can feel how the imagination,
the thoughts are where it all
begin. If I can remove the
thoughts then nothing comes out
of that. I'm questioning my
sexual practices too. I am not
sure it's really helpful at this
point, without a partner, it
might be more of a trigger than
anything. I'll pause for a bit
and see where that goes.

I went to play tabla at the
ashram yesterday. It was nice to
be in a different environment.
The meditation was deep, but the
usual chatter was always
there. The thoughts, the
judgments, you can hear it all,
you can see it in people's faces.
Everyone is working on their
stuff but a lot of them forget
that their thoughts are
contagious. I remembered the
feeling, and remembered that this
is not mine. Once I became aware
it all calmed down.

I learned to differentiate
between my thoughts and other
people thoughts at the
ashram. So many times I had
weird intrusive thoughts, and I
wonder why was I thinking about
that. Then to realize, while
reflecting with others about our
day, that these thoughts didn't
start in my head.

I am not at a level where I could
do telepathy, but I often can
tell when the feeling or the
thoughts in my head aren't mine.
When I sit at the temple, with a
clear mind, and then as people
enter the temple, I can hear what
is going on in their head. It's
really trippy and uncomfortable.

I used to think it was all mine
and I would feel bad about it.
Why am I feeling all these
emotions and sensations. But
yesterday I remembered, this is
not mine, and then I was at
peace. I was relaxed and enjoyed
the tabla, the meditation.

Since I also don't live at the
ashram, it's easier for me to
sense the difference. I hiked all
day in the forest, with a very
happy mind, and all of a sudden
in the temple all these different
sensations happens, without me
knowing these people, sensations
that I haven't had in years. Oh
yeah, this isn't mine. I can keep
those in the light too.

I'm wondering how much is mine
also in this separation. Am I
sensitive to the other? Is she
sad? Thinking that this might be
her emotions that I am feeling
makes me more compassionate about
it. Treating these emotions with
compassion, whether they are mine
or hers, might be the best way to
dissolve them too. When Dunkin, a
native elder in the community,
talks about addiction, he shares
a technique that has a lot of
compassion and sadness.

He instructs us to hold the
addiction in your arms, hold it
with compassion, but don't feed
it, as it would be cruel to feed
that addiction. Don't try to run
away from it, don't reject it,
hold it, tenderly, but don't feed
it. Let it die, with compassion.