I met the girl that I saw in my
dreams!

It's so funny, not 100% a perfect
match, but very similar vibe. My
daughter even talked to the
friend of the dark haired girl. I
looked at her in the eyes for a
moment and there was a sense of
familiarity.

I didn't talk to her though. I
have to get back into that habit.

Hey
Hey...

I like your style
Thanks

What's your name?
...

Something along these lines. It
makes me think, that even if I
don't want to be in a
relationship anymore, I still
want to interact. What I don't
want to cultivate is this
constant feeling that I need
someone in my life. But I still
can flirt. It's the grinding of
'needing', I don't want my mind
to be always looking, expecting,
searching for the next best
thing. I just want to be doing my
stuff, training, creating, and
then if someone catch my eyes, I
want to be able to say something,
without the need for approval.

It's somewhat reflected in my
usage of technology these
days. Yesterday I kept on
checking my phone for text, or
signal, or email, or an update on
merveilles.town, anything. In the
last few months, it was exciting
to see if my gf would have
contacted me. It would make me so
happy, there was a rush about
it. But now, there is nothing
really exciting about checking my
phone. I still do it though, 100
times a day.

So I want to stop that. Maybe I
check my email 3x a day, and my
phone will have a flashing light
if someone text me. I leave
merveilles.town and the
gopherspace maybe once a day?
That even seems like a lot.

I don't want to always be on the
lookout for my next partner. This
is exhausting and bring so many
mental stuff. I don't even know
if I want another partner, the
scope of imagination, desires,
fantasy, yes / no, is so wide
that it's useless to even start
thinking about it. Similarly, I
don't want to keep on expecting
digital communication. It feels
like I'm always waiting for
something, something more fun or
greater or someone to tell me
what I need to do. It feels
similar in essence.

How do I calm down these parts of
the self? 

For work, I think writing down
what I want to do for the day and
working on it really helps focus
and helps 'being done' for
today. Since I work from home I
can always be 'on' so by having a
clear list of what I expect to do
might help me disconnect. I don't
need my phone most of the
time. The main person I need to
connect is my daughter and that's
about it.

For my personal life, it was a
nice example yesterday of how I
want to continue my sentimental
and sexual life. I don't want to
be looking for things, that's a
waste, but I don't want to close
of, to be scared of intimacy. I
did that for a few years and
there was a lot of learning from
it. Now, I feel it would be
healthier to just be, no planing
and fantasy, no expectation, no
regret, but  still enjoying beauty,
excitement and lust if it
arise. Just acting in the moment,
connecting when connection can
arise. Seizing the opportunity,
creating a poetic life.