I realized what I miss the most
from her, is that I felt less
alone. She was a bit crazy, and I
am a bit crazy, and together it
felt natural, it felt good to be
crazy together. My ex-wife wasn't
crazy, and I had to hide that
part of me, a huge part of who I am. 

I don't know what's wrong with
me. Some sort of delusion, or
light sociopath behavior, I am
not sure. I see all the rules and
social norm to be a construct
from the human mind, and we try
to live by them so there is a
cohesion between all of us. But
for me this social construct is
more of a burden on our human
potential.

I try to respect it, somewhat,
outside of my home, try to play
the game, but inside I deeply
dislike it. I never really agreed
with the ways of the modern
society, from a very young age. I
comply mostly due to laziness,
or for the purpose of raising a
family, but it's a burden for me.

It has created quite a schism
between me and others. Me
brushing off social norm as if it
was a joke, a human creation, and
society being offended by my
behavior. Feeling like I was the
problem, I was the crazy, that I
was alone thinking like that.  

I assumed that we all thought
like that. We have unlimited
potential, but we limit ourselves
so that we can live peacefully.
But I soon realized in my youth
that most people used the social
construct to cut away part of
themselves, part of their
humanity, and then if their
nature would come back barging,
they would call that part of
themselves a mental illness, or
some sort of behavioral problem.

Our society is ill designed for
our human evolution. This numbing
down of our potential for a
somewhat peaceful social norm,
make us dumb if we simply accept
that as human reality. Cultivate
this belief for a few
generations, and no one know
where the fuck it's all heading. 

I wonder if one day I will live
my full potential. Finding a path
where I can let go of the shackle
of modern social life. For a
moment, with my ex-lover, we were
the outsider, the outlier to all
that social construct. I couldn't
comprehend it at that time. Now I
see it for what it was, and I
miss it, I miss her. I miss how
it made me feel less alone, less
crazy.