When I learned design, I would watch
design movies, read design book,
talk design, study architecture,
buy some design tools. I also did
an online training, somewhat
similar to what I am doing now. 

Now it's tattoo. So I bought a
tattoo magazine, some books, and
I watch tattoo movies! Yesterday
I watched Irezumi, which simply
means tattoo, a 1966 Japanese
drama set in the Edo period, by
Yasuzo Masumura.

It's your classical Geisha,
Samurai, Yakuza style old movie,
with a powerful tattoo that
takes over the life of the
artist as well as the
person being tattooed. It
strangely felt personal;
the struggle of the young lovers
dragged into a life of murder and
prostitution. Would I kill for a
passion? With my overly dramatic
and romantic sense of self, what
type of relation will I develop
with the people I tattoo?

It's somewhat of an
'sexploitation' movie, but with
some fairly interesting part. 
The fight scene are strangely
clumsy, in a human way. Whereas
American movie often depict fight
scene as if everyone were a pro
fighter, the realism of Irezumi
murder scenes, with lots of
screaming, falling, failed
attacks, improvised moved,
creates dynamism which keep the
viewer wondering where it's going
to end.

It also depict the power of a
tattoo, and how it can influence
one's life. Almost in a mystical
way, but staying in the realm of
psychology and culture.

This morning I woke up, after a
dream of fighting with a
gunman. I was in a mall in a big
city, trying to take photos of
the downtown area. I heard some
gunshot, and looked below. A man
that appeared to be homeless with
his partner, was shooting in a
stroller that was used to carry
their belonging. I didn't make
much of it, but then the couple
came up to our level.

He was waving his gun around and
firing in the air a few times to
scare his partner. She wasn't
impress much. It made me angry
and since he was out of ammo, I
decided to beat him up. I picked
up some random tools on the
ground, and charged him.

He picked up a screw driver and a
knife, and when he tried to stab
me with the screwdriver I used a
pliers to stop his attack and
threw away the screw driver. Now
only his knife was left, which
should not to hard to disarm.

I woke up before the end of the
fight, somewhat confused.
My dreams have been darker lately,
announcing something that I need
to overcome. Mixing my personal
symbolism with the poetry of
Irezumi brought some of my
unresolved issues to the surface.

Are you ready to die for your
passion? Find something that you
love and die for it? Isn't it
what we are looking for?

A friend of mine had the bad news
of her cancer coming back.
I wonder where she is at with this.
At what point do you give in,
decide that it's your time to go.

She was a workaholic and party
animal before. She fought hard
her first cancer. In the last
year, I felt a change in her
energy. Something that reminded
me of my Thai Massage teacher, a
grinding discontentment, a
tension that could never be
resolved. Like the seed of the
illness coming back.

My Thai massage teacher fought
for his life for so many
years. His cancer came back again
and again. Working with him
created a strange anxiety that I
felt in my stomach. I had to stop
working with him at one point, as
it felt really unhealthy. Can
someone pass their emotional
turmoil that are the cause of
their cancer to the people around
them? That's what it felt like.
If this is the case, then the
healing of a cancer is broader
than just the physical level.

In Ayurveda, cancer is viewed as
an ego 'outgrowth.' Or at least,
I read about this in one of the
book I've studied, I couldn't
reference it back at the moment.

They described cancer as something
inside of you that doesn't want
to die, but that is not needed
anymore. Not only on the cellular
level, but on the mind, emotions,
energetic level. The healing
has to take place on many levels,
not only on the physical plain.

This changed my view on my own
healing, the depth at which an
illness can take it's root.
With the panic attacks that got
me to E.R. many times, and the
realization that emotions can
create blood cloth, I've develop
a very strong belief that illness
are deeply rooted in different
layers of the self. My mind can
actually kill my body. 

I was raised by a emergency
nurse, so I've developed some
hypochondriac traits. I've a long
history of feeling like I'm dying
of this and that. This feeling
has always generated a healthy
level of self reflection:

If you are dying, what would
you do with the remainder of your
life?

If you are sick, what would
you do to heal yourself?

If this is a multi layered
illness, what are the tools
you can use to heal every level
of your being?

I am not sure where I am going
with all that. I am on this
teeter-totter of reality, between
living a passionate life that
could end any time, or a careful
healing path. Wondering the
reason one's would extend their
life if it's not to live fully.
Living in a culture of prolonged
life, away from any dangers, or
passions. How can I make my life
worth living to the end?