The old me is still living in
this house. I have such a hard
time to see myself living
anywhere else. As if it was
impossible. I feel like it's
time to move.

The memories of raising my
daughter in this house keep
me still, keep me stuck. This is
the place where I spent the most
time in my entire life. Yet I
feel alien to this place, to this
community.

Trying to find a partner has made
this alienation even more
apparent. I am not from this
culture, I am not from this land.

I'm on my way out. How far out? I
don't know. I feel like Canada
isn't my reality. There might be
some immigrants that I would
connect more with. But the
general Algo-Canadian, a few
generations in, are at the
complete opposite of my reality.

This wanna be polite and kind to
each other, while never
connecting to a deeper
level. This facade of
appreciating the other, while
harboring judgment and hatred
toward each others. It feels like
the Anglo Canadian culture is at
the apex of un-rooted, diluted,
American washed, aimless colony
without identity or pride.
Fearful of each others.

I feel that no one ever commit to
a connection with each
other. Always keep the
possibility to jump off the boat
and say, 'I knew it, you're a
weirdo.'

I'm tired of being the weirdo,
the outsider, the stranger, the
fool on the hill. 

I have been clearing out my stuff
for the last few years. The next
few months, I'll create a
financial exodus. Paying
the debts, saving a bit more,
selling the gear I am not using.
Enlightening my life on every
aspect, so I can move, or travel
or become who I need to be. 

The awakening I lived on the
mountain is still churning away
my reality. I saw the future, I
can see the future. I've known
that for many years now, without
much reaction. I've dream about
the future, I've meditated on a
crystal ball and saw the future.
But even then, I didn't make much
of it. I simply told myself and
others, 'see there is more to
reality than we can think of.'

Yesterday I sat with it. I can
see the future. Why don't I
explore that? What other proof do
I need? It was a really clear
experience, I unfolded reality,
saw what was happening, what will
be happening. Yet I'm coming back
to a day to day, lets work and
freak out for a while. I sometime
feel numb to my own awakening,
downplaying the experiences.

Seeing the future was also filled
with fear. A part of me saw
clearly what was happening, a
part of me extrapolated to what
could happen from that fearful
place. If this is happening, what
will happen to this and that?
Can I see the future without
being scared? Can I be clear
about what I see and what I
extrapolate?

I am unclear about what I saw,
and what was my imagination. A
few of the events that I saw
happening already happened.
Since I've saw them happening
already, it wasn't as dramatic.
"Oh yes, I saw that happening to
me." It felt like a deja-vu, a
dream like sensation. I knew this
was coming. I still reacted to
it. Now I am waiting. How far
will that goes? How much can I
influence my future?

"If you don't take control of your
fate, it will take control of
your life."

Quote from 'Bullet Train.'