A bit of self-reflection, write
therapy about relationship and
where I stand with it. 

I'm dubious about the freedom
that I have. I don't like to use
the word abusive relationship,
but the relationship I had with
my ex-wife left some stigma.

I don't like to use the word
abusive since I don't feel like
she was doing the abuse. Maybe I
was feeling the abuse that she
received as a child? Maybe I was
feeling the abuse from the
culture? In any case I accepted
that toxicity. I can suffer as
long as the people I am with
aren't suffering.

I came later to the conclusion
that if I am suffering, no one
around me are well. It screwed me
up, and created a weird model for
my daughter to emulate. I can see
in her behavior that she prefer
to take on the suffering of
others.

Now I am not in that relationship
anymore but I am still scared.

Part of me would rather be back
in an abusive relationship. It
makes things simpler. It's
something that I know. It's
something that I can blame, but
it also fuel a persona that
existed for over 15 years.
I know that persona well, even if
it's not really who I am.

I don't know how long that will
take until I don't feel scared.
I wonder if I can heal that by
myself only. I felt I went back
right into the same pattern with
my last lover. It only lasted for
five months so it wasn't too
intense, but I could feel the
same pattern emerging again.

In my desires and fantasies about
the other, I also feel the same
tensions. This wanting to
disappear for the other. To
dissolve, enslaving myself to the
needs of the other. It's so much
simpler to live for the other. 

I'm getting sick of this game
though. I want to find a way out,
without simply going celibate for
the rest of my life. I want the
dance of the coupling, the
relationship, the sex, to be a
tool for liberating from that
behavior.

So what's at the core of the
issue?

Where does it starts?

I like being liked, but then if I
nurture that, I feel like I'm
taking advantage of the other.
Instead of stopping there, I feel
bad about it, and then fake
liking the other so I keep on
being liked. If someone likes me
I feel like I have to put an
effort in liking them back.

It's a weird pattern, a weird
loop that seems hard to break.

If I like myself enough that I
don't need the approval of others
around me, then would it stop?
But don't we all need the love of
other people around us? In a
culture that lacks love, then
what do we do? Find the most okay
person and only love them for the
rest of our life?

I don't want to shut down the
emotional body. Accept the
suffering and live with it. Numb
the desire to be loved and move
on. I don't think I can do it
alone either. I need some sort of
practice with the other. It feels
silly though. I don't want to be
in a relationship right now, but
I don't think casual sex will do
me any good either.

And what is life offering me at
this moment?

Not much! I don't really have
anyone on my mind, nor anyone
is reaching out or seems to be
interested in me. It's a nice
place to be, but also doesn't
invite me to go out of my way.

Life is uncovering that pattern
though, again and again. I can't
really ignore it, as it fuels
most of my reflections. 

What do I want?

I want to not take relationship
so seriously.

I want to stop being so dramatic
about all of it.

I want to be clear where I stand,
for myself and the others.

I want to have fun and keep it
light.

I want to be aware of my previous
patterns and being able to see
them if they emerge.

I want to react differently, I
want to evolve.

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

This is my core learning these
days. I can't go around it. It's
what emerge when there is nothing
else. I'm not excited about it,
I'd rather create and plan for
travels. But I don't choose what
lessons will liberate me, I just
have to flow with it.

A few lessons that emerge:

Don't pre-game a relationship.
Stop the fantasy, and keep it at
what is. Don't convince yourself
of this or that. Cut the mental
stuff with, "I don't really
know."

Catch the moment that I force
myself, the moment I try to
convince myself of something.
I am a very good sale person with
myself, I can cut the crap soon
enough.

Be clear with my attraction. When
I look around, I'm not that
attracted to the others. I need a
lot more than a look, or a smile
or a kiss to be attracted. I
somewhat wish I was attracted to
more people.

Prioritize having fun over
meeting someone. Do thing for me
first.

Bring awareness to the
interactions. Look into their
eyes and see.