The clouds shredded by the
mountains. All the colors are
starting to wash out. The grays
that settles down during the
winter are coming back. I am
unclear why this region loose
colors during a few months, but
I've learned to welcome it. 

I've been driving my car without
a driver's license for over 2
months. I just went in to renew
it. There is a lot of unattended
part of my public or social life.

When I came back from the
mountain, it felt like there was
so much that I needed to manage
and care for. So much human stuff
to be dealt with. It felt like it
was insurmountable. My life was
shit and I had to lay in there
for a long, long time.

My life is still a mess. I don't
really care at the moment. I am
not sure how I'll navigate. Work,
pay my bills, find a new home,
stay sane, keep in shape. The
idea of finding a partner isn't
present today. I feel like shit,
and it's kind of refreshing, more
real. 

I don't know why anyone would be
interested in me. And it feels
good. I'm not really interesting,
compared to so many people I've
met this summer. I'm pretty
normal. I'm not a traveler, I'm
not a performer, I haven't
studied yoga in India, Thai
Massage in Thailand, meditation
in Japan. Nha, I did it all in
Canada, I just appropriated all
these cultures.

I met this girl at the last
festival. It's a first time in a
while that I saw someone I was
strongly attracted to, not from a
physical perspective but from a
deeper connection. We talked and
it was really powerful. She
traveled, she learned yoga in
India, she learned thai-massage
in Thailand, she got tatooed in
Nepal, she's a traveling yoga
teacher. All the cool stuff.
I didn't have much to top that.

I though I was cool, but I didn't
really have anything to show off
for. I was really wowed by her,
but I don't think there was much
I was doing that I could impress
her with. 

I'm just a middle aged father
who's slowly getting enlightened
in the most random way. I dress
poorly, I'm more of a hippy than
anything, without fully embracing
the hippy lifestyle, misfit being
a word that describe me the best. 

What a turn off.

Unavailable, not rich, definitely
psychotic, past his prime. I feel
like I'm awakening to who I
really am. A bit of a looser
aren't I?

Getting a slap of reality check.

It all sounds negative, but it's
actually refreshing. As if some
sort of delusion bubble had been
popped. I feel like shit, but I
like that shit more than usual. 

It's like I've had that delusion
of grandeur, I'm so cool because,
I'm different? Something inside?
I'm getting awaken? Nobody really
cares about that. From the
outside, I'm really, really
normal, below average I would
say. 

"Why am I not getting some action?"

Cause you're not attractive to
most women. You got a graying
beard, your could be mistaken for
a homeless if you look quickly.
Dirty old shoes, wearing a
beanie and an old wool felt coat
in dire need of a clean. 

Right, right...


But it's all good. Being clear on
who I am also give me less to
look forward for. I'm just a normal
human being, going through a
normal human experience, like all
of us. I'm not special or unique.
I can relax, there is nothing to
prove, I don't need to be someone
else. It's just me, and nobody
care.