I went for coffee this morning. A
group of people sitting on the
table next to us. There are a few
young women at the table.

Right away I start judging. Are
they pretty enough for me? Am I
pretty enough for them? What game
should I play to get their
attention? And then I remembered,
I am not looking anymore.

A switch in reality, I don't care
who is where and what people
looks like. It's strange but it's
also deep. A weird sensation in
my stomach. I wasn't ready for
that. Am I really done with that
game? I don't see why not, I'm
not really attached, I'm not
needing anyone at the moment.

Still, writing these words, a
strange ball in my guts. A
tension, a nervousness, an
energy or an excitement? I am not
sure. I feel tired. Driving back
home, I am confused. Where to go
from here. It's such a huge part
of who I am, but I don't find any
good reason to hold on to my
desire to be in a relation.

It's really strange and exciting.
Without desires, without fantasy,
without a direction, but with
clarity and potential. I'm
very dubious about this new
phase, it seems so different than
what was happening a couple days
ago, but impossible to negate.