Out of bed by 4:20am

I went to sleep at 10pm, so
that's 6:20 hours of sleep.

I had a date yesterday. She
wanted to visit the Ashram and
we then came over for lunch and
coffee. I enjoy her presence, but
I didn't make a move. I didn't
say anything either about what's
going on between her and I.

I just don't know, and I guess
I'm not in a hurry either. She
didn't make a move. I like what
it is for now. A part of me want
to apologize. Hey I'm not super
emotionally available. But
apologizing for who I am? Putting
myself in a place of I am the
problem? I've done that for 15
years of my life!

What about just being myself this
time around? I'm thinking that
maybe she wants more and I'm
giving the wrong message? But
then is it really my problem?

Talking can be confusing too. I
can express what I feel right
now, but it doesn't mean that
I'll feel the same the next
day. I am not sure words are the
best for emotions. The logical
hardness of speech doesn't fit
the ever changing emotional body. 

I like her attitude though. She
also speak French which is quite
comforting. She also "just do it"
(tm). Hey wanna do this? Sure!
Okay I'm at the ferry! Reminds
me of someone!

She also know the PsyTrance crew
from Nelson. She works with the
organizer. She likes to dance and
sing. I really like to have a
friend at this point.

Not the "let's be friend" type of
letting someone go gently, like a
real friend. 

There was another woman who
contacted me, from the singler
mingler event. I kind of put her
name down, probably not for the
right reason. She was pretty but
I didn't really have any
connections. We texted back and
forth, and I told her I'm a
single dad with a daughter, not
looking for anything serious, and
she was looking to start a family.
She said, "lets be friends!" Which
I replied, life is busy, you know
what you want, no need to fake
it! It was good to simply close
the door. She seemed okay with
that.

I'm learning to be myself. Just
being, not judging my every move.
I am enough, and if someone
thinks I am not enough, then it's
not my issue, they can move on.

I don't have any relationship
goals anymore. I don't need to
raise a family, I don't need to
find a wife that will justify my
existence. It's a very different
reality. I never really cared
that much to be in relationship
either.

I don't remember ever feeling
alone, or single in my past.
It's not like I've always had a
partner either. It's been
fluctuating from single, to one
or two partners. Without much
tension either way.

I really like having girl friends
too. I get a lot out of having a
friend, without the complexity of
emotional and sexual relation.
I'd rather have a few good girl
friends, without much sex, than
having just the one.

Psytrance party this weekend!
It'll be nice to connect more
into the crew. It's nice to have
a connection who knows part of
the crew.