Three weeks into my new life.

Six weeks since the solstice,
where I stopped watching tv. Two
weeks since I started boxing
again. Last week I also made a
point to only work on my main
computer, if I want to
procrastinate, I can do that
somewhere else. Not sure how much
I'll stick to this, but it seems
pretty healthy. 

Without any lover in my life,
there isn't much that push me
forward. But it feels different.
I'm motivated to focus on my own
practices, on my own cultivation
and liberation. 

I don't feel the need or the rush
to jump into a new relationship
right away. Maybe I hope I'll see
more of her one day. Maybe I
don't 'need' anymore. There was a
lot of healing that happened in
the last few months. A lot of
clarification of where I was with
myself and the other. A lot of
letting go of the judgment of who
I am, of who I was, or who I
never was. The judgment of others
creates a thick crust that is
hard to let go of after many
years of living together. 

This need for someone else to
acknowledge my existence is quite
petty. When people meet me, they
tend to see my strong side, but
once they get closer, they
discover this insecure little
boy. Emotional, and romantic,
with all my fear of not being
enough. Always questioning,
exploring, 'you okay?' wondering
if I could do better. I think
this makes the women in my life
insecure. People like to follow
strong leaders who believe in
themselves, who never questions
their action, and move bravely
forward. I am not that. I don't
want someone to follow me
blindly. I'm a fool, I don't even
know where I am going. I'm a
hacker, always questioning
reality and how it can be tweaked
to get what is needed with the
least amount of effort. Floating
about in this reality, creating a
comfortable nest, that can
withstand the storms of the
outside world. I'd like someone
to drift with me in this raft,
warming up my life. 

I wonder if I'll stumble on my
path on someone who would be okay
with that type of wandering. Not
wanting to improve or change me
for my better self. Someone who
is just happy with what is, not
needing more. I'd like to be able
to not need someone else approval
either. Just be myself, offering
my love and care, without the
need to change.