[8/25/25 7:55PM]

I have been awake for 36-37 hours at this point.
I couldn't go to bed last night because of my cat,
I cannot go to bed now because I feel too depressed
to go to bed.

In my drowsy state, I have had all the layers of
repression ripped away from me one after another.

At first, I was derealizing, thinking in terms I
had not thought in in however long, remembering 
things that I had not thought about in years,
like Billy Pilgrim, I was between worlds, 
metaphorically of course.

The second state was a ripping away at whatever
censors were going between my subconscious and
conscious, thinking what I really felt instead
of what benefitted me. 

I am losing it, I cannot fall asleep. I am thinking
about my boyfriend, the fact that I have no family 
left except for my mom and my brothers, I feel like
shit, I feel empty for the most part. 

I have lost so much for what I assumed was my ideal
life, the life I thought I wanted. What have I gained
from pursuing this? I have lost so much in the process.