[10/7/25 12:24AM]

Bad day, bad night, I honestly don't know what
I am doing anymore, I feel like a big rig 
hydroplaning on a busy highway. Something was
off the moment I woke up, I didn't recognize 
it nor did I want to point it out to myself,
but it was there, stuck to the back of my mind
like a chewed piece of gum. I don't remember
most of the day, I honestly do not remember
why, but I've been blanking out on a lot of
nouns as of recently, so maybe my neurons 
are on strike or some shit, would make sense
with how horrible my bipolar my diet is. I
remember everything after 1:00PM though.
I remember calling my boyfriend, things were
weird, he was being weird, I did something,
I don't know what though. After that, I
talked to a guy from Jordan about Venetian
Snares for like an hour, I listened to a lot
of the music they sent so they let me in on
a private playlist that they used for everything.
I listened to some music on it and skimmed
through the artists to get a general overview
of what he liked. From what I got: grunge,
high BPM/tempo electronic music, and 
industrial metal. Because of that I showed
him Gantz Graf by Autechre, Espial by Oliver
Buckland, and 333 off the Bravocat album.
We then spent the next hour discussing electronic
music and repeating the phonetics from Green
Calx. Somewhere in between listening to 
My So-Called Life by Venetian Snares (it
gives me Quebec by Ween vibes if it was 
a bit more violent in tones), I was kicked
from a server that my boyfriend had a bunch
of his friends on. I only halfway realized
that was the case as I saw motion in the corner
of my eye and looked over to see what had changed,
I didn't notice anything. Though about 30 minutes
later I noticed that there was a lack of the color
red on my screen whenever I opened up the chat app
they had used for the server, this made me worried,
I messaged my boyfriend and asked him if things were
going alright, didn't get a response back. I panicked
for a second before calling up my best friend and 
playing some Dying Light 2 with him (and some VRchat).
I wish that I could be a better friend, half the time 
I don't listen to what he says as he goes on rants in
terms that I do not understand, as we both have different
interests and don't understand most of the terminology
that goes with both of our grouped interests. I still
try to engage though, ask him what certain things mean,
still, it gets hard to form a comprehensive conversation
around things you don't completely understand without most
of it turning into bullshitting, which I already do enough
of. He had texted me about how he wanted to join this furry
meetup app that also doubled as a dating service. I gave
him a vague response at first, "finding connection in places
you shouldn't will leave you wanting more than what you
went in to get", it was vague and horrible advice, but I
didn't want to dig up old history to explain my wording.
He told me that he has very little friends and that 
there's no places to meet people. A problem I have with him
is that he tends to group people up by personality traits.
He calls people who are annoying "67 kids" and football
players "edgars", which I think is his first problem when
it comes to making connections, he feeds into a sort of
comfirmation bias heavily by disassociating people from
the complex identities they hold, if you can group people into
one idea, it becomes much easier to cherry-pick things
you don't like about them, and with him, he has something
negative to say about pretty much everyone who he hasn't
made friends with. Because of this, I told him that I suspect
that most of the problems he has with people are in his head,
though, I don't know how he acts at school, the last time I
went to school with him was two years ago. I just feel that
he is a good person at heart, he wants to do well when it comes
to most people, but due to his upbringing and the last two years,
I can see why he thinks the way he does, I do the same thing 
sometimes. Back to the story, I got off the call with him and went
downstairs to have some soup, I had promised the guy I had been
sending music back and fourth to that I'd be productive with my day.
I was going to go to the establishments I had applied to looking nice
to try to give a good precedent for who I was, courtesy of my mom. Though,
today was off, and I couldn't shake the feeling. Today was the only day over
this break that I did not leave the house, every other day I had walked at
least 5 miles with an average of 10. While I was eating the soup, my boyfriend
texted me back saying that we were good but just was going through some 
stuff that I won't go into here, out of every person in my life, I feel that
he is the most likely to find these logs, also hello boyfriend. He had
commented on how I asked him why I got kicked from the group he had 
invited me to, he said that he just wanted to keep that group of friends
and me separate. I don't know his reasoning and I don't claim to, but
what best works in my mind given how we interact is that is that he 
is scared that if we leave again he might lose his friends to me, which
is fair. Whatever the reasoning might actually be, I don't mind, something
I think about whenever I want to argue with a person is "do I think this
argument is more important than our relationship?" Usually the answer is no.
The rest of the day was trippy, the last couple of days, the clown car full
of random assortments of voices have been slowly creeping back into my
mind, and it got worse after I talked to him. I felt sick almost, I was scared
of losing him, I was scared that I had ruined things and that he hated me,
I felt small. It was about 5PM at the time, I started feeling tired, which was
strange for me, I didn't usually feel tired until 8PM. The voices in my head
kept telling me to sleep, that I needed to go to bed. It was almost like
a driving force that swept me towards my bed, I did my usual ritual for going
to bed, and just sat there. Out of nowhere, I got this weird warm, caring feeling
at an intensity that was alien to me. I felt as I did as a child for a second,
things felt more real than they felt in a while, my leg was twitching at
the same time, I didn't care, the usual discomfort that comes with my bed
being too hot was replaced with the warmpth almost being absorbed into my
very soul, like it was some sort of energy source that was powering the
strangely euphoric feeling I had felt. At the same time of all of that
happening, the voices that were accompanying me started screaming that 
I was going into cardiac arrest and that my leg twitching was a sign of
it, that there was nothing I could do except call my friends and family
and say that I loved them. I took everything that was happening to me
in that moment at face value, any of my critical thinking skills or
logic seemed to vanish. Strangely, I didn't seem to care that I was dying,
everything I thought about was positive or nice in some unthinking primal
way, even death. The only person I contacted during that point was him,
the previous text I had sent him before I had completely lost it was
"I'm tired and I'm going to go to bed", with him responding with "it's
only 6PM" followed with him sending another text saying "goodnight".
I texted him in my delerious state saying "It isn't you, I'm just tired,
I will be better in the morning, sorry". I then went back to laying down,
my leg still slightly twitching, the euphoria still pouring down hard
upon my mind, and the screaming of multiple voices telling me that I was
dying. In that moment, I felt so tired that all I felt I could do is close
my eyes, before I knew it, it was 9PM, my bed was drenched in sweat, normally
I cannot fall asleep if it is even slightly hot, this anomaly in my sleep preferences
worried me. I checked my texts, my boyfriend had told me that he is worried
about me and wants to open up my brain to see what is going on inside of my
head. I don't remember what I said back. What I do know is that I appreciate him
to no end, he puts up with my apologizing every two seconds bullshit and 
still wants to be with me even though most of what I bring to the table
is problems. I would miss him if I woke up in Alaska with no means of
communication. Though, I am worried. What I had experienced is strange,
pair that with my drawing blanks on nouns, the bad brain fog to the point
where I completely forget what I am doing if I lose focus for a second,
and the fact that I have become more dry in conversations in person is
starting to get slightly worried. What if I am dying, like I have a brain 
tumor or some neurological problem? I don't know how much of this I am going
to tell to my boyfriend tomorrow, not out of me not being comfortable to share
everything, but just because I don't want him to be worried about me. He needs
to live his own life, he doesn't need to be worried about me all the time. It
isn't fair to him. But yeah, it's like 3am and I read through a lot of my old
logs while also writing this. Going off of my meds has had a noticable change
in how I write, though, maybe it's a false correlation, because there's been
a lot going on around me as well, who knows. What I do know, I need to go to
bed. I want to be able to talk to my boyfriend at a reasonable hour since
he is three hours ahead of me, I've been waking up earlier than I usually
do so I can still say good morning to him in the morning and check up on 
him when he is still waking up. 

That's all
-Sage