[2024-11-03 - 20:46:22]

I did not die

I don't want to die, nor do I choose to. Meds were denied due to the 
insurance wanting me to take a med I didn't metabolize. The medication 
wouldn't have done anything and both meds are in network, they just 
wanted to save some money, greedy bastards. I had a feeling this would 
happen, a hunch. Murphy's law seems to demand that I continue on, though 
only in a state that renders me only slightly catatonic, still functional 
however. I talked to my brother about how I'm feeling. He was a good support, 
might it be the implicit memories that have lodged themselves deep within the 
trenches of my brain, hiding from the infantile amnesia artillery that wiped the 
groggy surface of my mind clean, I don't know. I just trust him more than my mom, 
more than most people. 

I keep thinking back to the last confrontation with my dad before I last laid eyes 
on him, the look in his eyes. A confused dread, the same look I see on roadkill. I 
kept my cool that day, I went with my uncle and his cousin. Driving around in a 2020 
red ram 1500, we drove through the two laners that were duct taped to the carpet of 
trees. When I arrived, nobody was at the gate, not even the dogs. It was an ominous 
feeling, symbolic in a way. A place desolate of life, only showing the shed outer husk. 
I walked towards the main compound, when there I saw them. Two hog shaped black labs 
barreling towards me, both were happy to see me, my scent probably made their day. I 
spent a good 10 minutes with them, we had not seen each other in a while and greetings 
were in place. They made their weird grunting noises at me and I pet them, all was well. 
I was there for a reason though, that reason didn't intertwine with bringing two 
half feral junkyard dogs to a crowded condo. I had to go and get my shit before my 
dad threw another one of his fits and sold everything. I could kick his ass in small claims 
court, but that wasn't worth the trouble. I had told him the day before that I was coming 
to pick up my stuff. It was obvious that he took this as some sort of "I'm coming back, I'm
 so sorry for being worthless!" type of thing. At this time, my uncle came out of the truck, 
my dad and him made small talk. I take this time to grab my shit before he can re-enter the 
house and try to guilt trip me into living with him again. I get the grocery bags I had within 
my closet. For whatever reason I just started putting grocery bags into a filing cabinet. I took 
most of my cables and electronics, put them into a trash bag, anything of sentimental value I also 
put into the trash bag. I forgot one crucial thing though, my iPhone XR. A vast ocean of archived 
moments in time. Memos dating through past episodes I had, back to 2021. Why did I want to revisit 
old times of crisis? So I could remind myself that I've always been going through these episodes 
and not to stay in whatever pit I decided to dig that day. He had finally arrived back into the house, 
it was obvious that he was putting on his best puppy dog face. Really jazzing up his act to try to win 
me back, the first of many attempts to stay at my window and try to serenade me back. I kept my cool 
in that moment, keeping to the formal look that I'd used when he tried to make small talk with me 
outside. "Why don't you come over some time, the dogs really need walking", "Me and step mom really 
miss you, it'd be nice to have you over some time." The lines ran through the washer a few times to 
get whatever human aspect was in there out, for something artificial sounding. Formalities followed on 
my end, dodging his responses for inquiries. In the end, I had gotten two 50lb trash bags worth of 
whatever sentimental crap I could stuff into them. One last plea from the shallow waters of his one 
liners to win me back, "Your cousins really miss you, I don't know if you'd be able to see them again 
if you stayed with your mom". Still, I just ignored what he was saying. Something felt off though, I 
was missing something. Then it came to me, my sandals. We were going to the beach next week and I 
wasn't going to pay for new sandals. When my dad was talking to my uncle, I slipped towards the house 
and entered. Through what I can only assume was fate, my step mom happened to be in the kitchen. She 
wasn't taking everything that was happening as well as I hoped she would. I approached her, 
noticing my presence, she wiped her eyes and looked at me with a warm smile. Through all 
of our problems, she was still family to me. "Well, I guess this probably the last time 
I'll see you for a while", she replied. "Yep", I responded back, going in for a hug. 
"I always loved you", I said in a hushed tone. This noticibly shook the mask of warm 
stoicism she was wearing. She didn't say anything afterwards, we only nodded to each 
other before going our separate ways. In that moment, I stopped feeling like I missed 
something. Walking back to the truck, ignoring my dad, I put the sentimental trash bags 
on the seat next to me and watched as the small town I grew up in was slowly hidden by the trees. 
My uncle offered me some sunflower seeds and asked if I was alright, everything was alright now, 
I got closure. 

Aftermath of losing the XR:

About a week later I get a text from my dad, this was before I blocked his number. I need the 
passcode to your phone, we're going to reset it and give it to one of the employees. I knew this 
was bullshit and only a ploy to read through my old messages with my friends. He was the reason 
I turned off face ID for pretty much every device I owned that supported it. He'd come up to me 
while I was sleeping and attempt to unlock my phone using the faceID feature. I told him to bring 
my phone to me as I needed to archive the photos on the phone onto a drive, I'd reset myself and 
give it back to him. He kept pushing back saying that he had very little time and needed the 
passcode now. I repeated the same thing to him, he kept throwing his fit. Eventually he stopped 
responding to me, I guess it wasn't so urgent after all. I archive this memory into log form just 
because I tried to access iCloud a few days ago. I couldn't access the account due to a 2FA issue 
that required my phone to fix. Though through the limited access that only required my passcode to
 see, I saw the list of devices connected to my appleID. What's that, my phone is still on there with 
the exact same name, was pinged like two months after he threw his fit? Wow, I guess it really wasn't 
that urgent. He is still trying to win me back by sending me money as well, memos and all. I don't care, 
if that moron wants to send me money then let him, he's paying for my car.