[10/30/2024: 21:52:40]

I feel better today, not in the traditional sense one bit. It's a weird in-between with 
manic and genuinely happy. I am acting different than I usually do, the way I walk feels 
slightly more feminine along with my voice, it feels like it's changing. It's probably 
just some sort of mishap on my part. These feelings are overtaking me too fast, I need 
those damn meds, they haven't gotten back to me yet on them. That voice is getting louder 
along with it, I can feel it in my face now, the motions for words laid out like a 
script in queue. I don't feel as if I'm me anymore, I am fighting a losing war with a part 
of myself that I cannot fully accept. I feel as if I should take that gender dysphoria therapy 
that my psychiatrist has opened a door to. Maybe I can find some sort of dialectical middleground, 
so I stop feeling this, or maybe they'll give me treatment options. Both options work for me, I 
just want the feeling of slowly losing full control over my motor functions to stop.

After taking a few deep breaths, I should talk about a few more aspects of my day. I've been 
using the 10lb per leg ankle weights for excercises, I can feel the burn and soreness that goes
along with it. I've long missed that feeling since I last went to the gym. It's euphoric beyond 
belief, the gratification that goes along with improving fitness wise. 

After I left the community college, we didn't have lecture today due to the professor having a
meeting at 15:30. This gave me time to talk to my brother, see how he is doing, I feel bad for 
him. He's going through a rough-ass time with the breakup. Spiraling just by the simplest trigger, 
I hope he improves, though this is a slow process for him. Though, after the call was done with 
him, I did some exploring around the shopping centre a couple of kilometers away from the community 
college. A giant slab of concrete etched out through the scape of endless road and sidewalk. It towers 
over any structure surrounding it, against its imposing size, it only speaks one word, enter. A whole 
barrage of colorful stimuli and neon clothes await behind generic logos. Pasteries beyond any 
stretch of the imagination fill the air with their fragrance. It's welcoming, if not overwhelming at 
first. Though I have entered many times before, seen all that there is to see. I was set on exploring the 
outskirts of the slab before heading into a sporting goods supermarket. What I found beyond the dingy 
exterior was astonishing. Loading bays that stretch for hundreds, almost thousands of feet. Reflecting 
the sunlight to give an almost feverish view of the landscape. Completely void of life, quiet, and in some 
weird way, beautiful. Walking around the concrete wonderland gave me a scope for how much sustenance was 
needed to keep this hulking organism alive. Fleets of trucks, carrying all sorts of goods, all to be digested 
and laid before the gut bacteria to further break down. Though, I eventually got bored of staring at it and 
decided to enter the sporting goods location to compare the price of dumbbells with the CVS near me. I found 
that they had a larger selection, I had set my eyes on one treasure though. Two red 12lb dumbbells, they 
were perfect for me. Though, they were like 30 bucks so I decided just to look on Amazon instead, grifters. 

Goodnight SDF, or like the one person who reads through these erratically structured logs.
-may