[12/11/2024 19:42:05] $ ls -l -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Nov 11 21:58 BAD-DAY -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Nov 11 22:00 BADAY.save -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Nov 20 18:37 BAYDAY2 -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Mar 12 2024 CHECKUP -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Sep 18 19:47 CHECKUP-2 -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Oct 14 03:05 CHECKUP-3 -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Oct 16 05:14 CHECKUP-4 -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Oct 17 00:44 CHECKUP-5 -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Oct 27 03:42 CHECKUP-6 -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Nov 6 02:39 CHECKUP-7 -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Nov 6 02:35 CHECKUP-8 -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Nov 6 02:31 CHECKUP-9 -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Oct 13 20:19 COMPLICATIONS.save -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Sep 3 06:35 DEADHISTORY-1 -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Nov 7 04:37 EPILOGUE -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Sep 3 06:22 HELLO -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Nov 6 02:44 HISTORY -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Nov 10 00:47 MOTIVES -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Nov 17 19:18 Misc -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Nov 9 04:42 NORCAL -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Nov 10 05:22 PURGATORY.save -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Nov 6 02:42 SOMETHINGSTUPID -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Sep 3 06:21 THECALM -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Oct 13 06:04 THEMIND -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Sep 3 06:22 THESTORM -rwxr-xr-- 1 fluffydogbite nobody Nov 20 18:38 gophermap <--- gophermap: last updated 3 weeks ago Jesus christ it feels like a year passed, though I guess in one way of looking at it, I probably lost a year off my life from stress. So maybe I experienced a year in a very short amount of time to make up for that. Finals have passed, I think I passed both of my classes. Got a shit GPA though to make up for it. 2.96, I get the C's get degrees train of thought, and I'm probably going to enter into a trade school in order to get a job as an electrician or some crap, I like the idea of being an electrician a lot more than being a nurse. My mom keeps saying that it's a stable job and that I should just go for it but I'm only going to be living one life from my current, limited perspective so I don't want to become something that'll lead me to doing something stupid. First order of business: the mussolini mind won. I, in a weirdly insanely stupid but at the same time thought out way decided to call my dad and schedule a meetup. I don't know why I did this, but I also conferred with my psychiatrist and therapist about this idea. I don't remember half of this as I was going through one of those things where you autopilot through the responses like a prerecorded message playing out through an intercom. The words already put to tape so the person who was saying them wouldn't have to repeat it. It was extremely dumb, I got my hopes up for my dad, and I wanted to have a relationship with somebody with the capacity to change on par with a brick wall. Though, I've already seen him twice. The first time seeing him, we started talking and randomly the idea of him picking me up came up. It was a school night and I had no idea where the hell he was going to take me. Whenever I asked him over text he just went "Red Bluff", "Red Bluff", "Red Bluff". Red Bluff is multiple hours away, it was 18:00 and unless he wanted to take me to a dive bar, nothing of note would be open by the time we would've arrived. Still, out of some poor lapse in judgement, I got into a truck with a maniac. First red flag, we get off the highway onto some dark, shrouded backroad. My stepmom was there, he had explained that we were going off to some new piece of land he'd bought so I could check it out. If this guy wanted to kill me, I was completely and utterly fucked. Though, on the drive there, something debatably worse than death popped up. He went on one of his political rants that would go on for hours if we weren't confined to the drive time to the land. How tariffs aren't going to raise prices, but they are, but they're going to get those dirty foreign products out of demand and make America a new superpower! Then it was onto that D.O.G.E. plan they were planning to roll out. My dad is the reddest of rednecks, thick country accent, I hear that coming out of his mouth, a very slight tinge of thrill on the e. It was funny as hell. I find it to be scary how effectively doublespeak and white lies can be used to change something from sounding like the acts of a worm eating an apple from the inside to the acts of an American hero. Weeding out all of the corrupt bureaucrats from the highest branches of power, though two corrupt businessmen decide who is corrupt and who isn't. Scary, scary times we're living through. Back to the story, we reach the plot of land, it's dark out and two decrepit houses laid before us. In that moment I had accepted death, this was 10 miles away from any civilization, my body would disappear into the soil without a peep. That didn't happen though, instead he gave me a tour of the houses before asking if I wanted to go back to the other plot of land. Like an idiot I had said yes, same story, different location. The second time I saw him, directly after finals, we drive over to his place, we watch a movie, eat some food, he talks to his therapist about our meetup, which I guess I should be more nice, he is trying to change, or at the very least putting on the show of change. I don't feel he has though. When we were in the car, he said that there wasn't much to apologize for and that given the time he could apologize for one thing. I had told him the last time we'd talked over the phone, 6 months ago that he'd need to find the problems himself, as I'd explained it to him before, and he never cared enough to listen. One problem being that he wouldn't communicate shit to me. Oh we're heading out to the plot of land? How long are we going to be there, "I don't know". He leaves his schedule out on accident, the direct time of leaving is right there. We leave at that time. I wouldn't eat because he'd lowball the time, then he'd make fun of me for being so skinny, or how much skinnier I would look. Developed a habit of not eating unless being prompted to by someone else from that. He never took accountability for it. These are only two examples of bullshit he will never take accountability for. Though, back onto the story he was guilt tripping me by saying how much that hurts people, that it made them think that they're bad people. That conversation ended quickly and we spent the rest of the night only making small talk, looking through old photos, and eating the food my step mom had made for the occasion. I had left with a smile on my face, despite the implications. This was an extremely dumb idea overall, and I will suffer the consequences of getting back into contact with him, he hasn't changed. Finals came and went, I spent a large part of everyday studying for the biology final, looking over the study slides for the biology final, and overall spending every waking moment of my day thinking about the final and stressing over it. It's fine now. I'm going to start up doing PAYDAY heists again, I've been playing PAYDAY: The Heist a good amount. I hope that I can enjoy the time off I have without something horrible happening. That is kind of a trend with these breaks, I enjoy a couple of days off, then something ruins it. Also, I've figured out that I'm not trans. Have a good rest of your night -Cattop