couldn't it be nice to paint a painting of a sunset? encapsulate a 
pleasant moment? impossible, i say, impossible. all i can ever write is 
suffering. right now i am experiencing hte pain of distance and i have 
written the pain of distance to exhaustion. there is no more to be 
written. it's impossible to write a p leasant moment because in writing, 
another voice intervenes.only in the lived moment is pleasure possible. 
right now i am trying to write this into possibility but whatever 
whatever! impossible, i say, impossible. the theory i've grown/written 
with my lover, is this possible to share? possible, yes, but it is 
difficult for me to write when things are alive, and i never want this to 
die, so i may never write about it? maybe once it's changed, but we've 
already evolved so much, left so much behind, we never go back. in lived 
moment i have no desire to go back. right now i desire to be with her, so 
i don't go back, because it's too painful, i just want to desire to be 
with her. IN PEACE PLEASE. why am  writing t his? i felt lethargic.. i 
didn't like that. i needed to bring myself awake. but i can't bring myself 
awake like i am in her presence. this is simulated sensitivity to myself 
and the other. this is fake. it's infinitely possible for me to write 
about terrible things. i am a master at this. i have refined it.. for 
years. only when i was 17 and writing affected prose about distance 
(before the distance began to really hurt) did i write about pleasurable 
things.. a brief period. well, no, i've written some pleasure.. but as i 
said i don't like sunsets, and for these experiences i will have to/ am? 
building up a whole new language. but i don't really want to share it. 
LEAVE ME IN PEACE, PLEASE, WITH MY LOVER. withdrawl from the world.. i 
read in this theoretical treatsie on love all about the tendency to 
writhdrawl, saw myself in this book, closed the book because i don't need 
theory on what i am experiencing. i've already done all the theory i can 
stand. i don't even want to think about how theory made this possible. how 
theory may have helped draw me out from myself to my lover.. the thought 
just occurred to me, but it's not worth it either. i close the book. i 
open the book, i close the book. PLEASE, LEAVE ME IN PEACE.. not 
deathlike. lifelike - i reject the language of suffering. a new language 
is possible between my lover and i. ?????????????????????????????//


i am gropius without the utopia