bunz phlog / 10.28.22 / bunz@sdf.org

	So I am pretty sure I am too  far  gone. I have lost hope in a future and in myself.
I have ceased wanting anything  more  than to die in a  way that would not be considered  my
own fault.
	This has been a slow process, really. But even if I didn't have severe self-loathing
and depression, I no longer desire things I wanted most of my life,  like a companion.  It's
been over 8 years since I've had a girlfriend, and she didn't actually like me to boot. Sure
I could get laid, but I haven't met anyone I was truly into in a long, long time.  Since  my
last girlfriend.
	I used to get lonely. To want someone I could be affectionate towards and  take care
of, spoon and watch movies with. Not anymore. I just want to be alone.  I  feel  so  ashamed
of the potential I have wasted. What could have once been nurtured, cultivated,  and  turned
into something wonderful is now but a stale half-forgotten  pipe-dream.  I  have  squandered
everything. Don't think I feel sorry for myself. I do not. I feel disgust. There isn't  any-
one I can talk to because I feel so ashamed.
	It's amazing, so many people feel shame for what they've done. I feel shame for what
I haven't done.
	I honestly believe that some time within the next year I will walk  into  the  woods
and be found months later, after the snow has melted.
	When I finally tried confiding in someone about these thoughts that I have,  a small
line about not ever leaving this state (of Oregon), their response was  "Oh GOD! Not again!"
I find it strange that this same person, whom I've listened to when they're down, who's tha-
nked me for "being such an amazing friend," who's complained to me about the  same  problems
a hundred times for a decade, would simply dismiss my feelings with an "Oh GAWD!"
	This is why I do not even bother. I realize she's one person,  and  it  wouldn't  be
very intelligent nor mature to project that onto everyone, but it's just so much  more  than
that. I have this weight on my shoulders and it is burying me.