MONO, POLY, WHATEVER
Overview
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A rambled musing on relationships. Mildly coherent.
The core
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In my core I believe people are good and well
intended. Maybe I don't always see that goodness in people,
but it's what I believe. I like this belief because it lets
me approach the world in an open and positive manner. I also
believe that people want to make connections in the world,
and that these connections happen in many different ways. We
make connections that are friendly, romantic, sexual,
platonic, and/or intellectual. Often, these connections are
turned into a framework: best friend, lover, partner,
mentor, and so on.
Getting hurt
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Hurt is inevitable in any connection. Anyone can hurt me. A
friend can do it just as well as a partner. I don't like
getting hurt. Being dumped hurts, and it hurts to try to
understand why I was dumped, and why someone wants to be
with someone else, and why someone doesn't have the same
love for me as I do for them. Fundamentally, I want people
to be with the people they want to be with. So fundamentally
I'm actually OK if a (ex)partner wants to be with someone
else in a different capacity. If either I can't understand
or can't accept their reasons, all I can do is accept this
fact. And all I can do is be happy for them for their new
path and, if agreeable, and find a new way to carry down our
own path together (how long does it take for ex-lovers to
become best friends?)
Collision
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All of these thoughts and feelings and beliefs for me
collide into a single concept: commitment. For me, what the
relationship is called is secondary to how it breathes; for
me, it should breathe with commitment. A commitment to be
open, to be emotionally present, to work through conflict,
to love and show kindness, and to create, agree upon, and
respect each other's boundaries. The qualities of commitment
are important in any and every relationship, and they're
truly always present in the relationships that survive. For
me, really and finally, this is all that matters. And it's
from here that I find strength to create many types of new
relationships.
Common carry
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Unfortunately, starting new relationships is difficult. I
come into a relationship along my unique trajectory with my
particular satchel of experience. As I lay the particulate
before me and in front of a new boo, there may be particles
that appear to them unfamiliar, threatening, or
frightening. Hopefully, too, some particles appear exciting,
enticing, and loving. Commitment figures its way into a
budding romance just as it defines a long lasting
union. From the start there is a commitment to be together
openly on new ground, examining new behaviours, reactions,
reflections and challenges. What particle from my satchel
will I add to our common carry? What will they add? If two
particles are incompatible can we get along with our journey
all the same?
Frameworks
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Relationships end. They always do. It could be death, or
something more exacting but diffuse like a growing distance,
a new interest, or a breach of trust. The constant is that
one way or another they'll be over. But that's not a bad
outcome, it's not something to avoid. For me, finding a
framework that allows me to move through the changing
features of a relationship in a positive way is most
important. It's corny, but I do believe that /all endings
are also new beginnings/. It's difficult to stomach the hurt
that results from a framework disruption. For a while, the
feelings may be inverse to how the relationship began. Not
happy, but sad. Not elated, but defeated. Not hopeful, but
despondent. Is this inevitable? Maybe.
What I want
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I want to love the people in my life. I want to be
emotionally and physically available to these people--my
loved ones--in ways that are appropriate, honest, and
reciprocle. I want to feel my feelings freely and act on
them responsibly. I want to be surrounded by people who are
not threatened by what they don't understand. I may not be
able to explain what brings me joy and pleasure, fulfilment
and connection. And I want that to be OK. All the same, I
want to participate as active player eager hearer of what
brings my loved ones their own sense of love. I imagine
these wants like a dinner with many people gathered
around. Each person at the table representing a different
part of myself: the part that grows and learns, the part
that laughs and cries, the part that desires and endeavors,
the part that touches and is touched. My loved ones bring
these parts out of me. /They are these parts of me/. And I'd
never want to find myself seated at a table without one more
seat, one more meal, for that part of myself who has yet to
arrive and has yet to be loved.
Love
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I've been through frameworks of monogamy and polyamory. I've
become frustred by not being understood by monogamists who
can't grasp polyamory, and polyamorists who can't grasp
monogamy (I've also been that stubborn monogamist, and I've
been that stubbord polyamorist.) Returning to fundamentals,
I believe the /existence of love/ is what's important, not
/what that love is called/. The framework--monogamy,
polyamory--is simply the protective shell that's used to
insulate its inhabitants from getting hurt, which is ironic
because that hurt usually happens from the inside-out, not
the outside-in. All of this leaves me feeling that whatever
I call the relationship doesn't really matter. I've called
it a friendship, partnership, cohabitation,
whatever. Mostly, though, I've always found myself just
wanting to call it love.