_______ _ |__ __| | June 8, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Special Automated Teller Machines .' \ ( , ) Wouldn't it be nice to have separate Automated Teller '--' '-' Machines (ATMs) for lawyers, doctors, and engineers? It'll sure save you time waiting for these bumbling idiots! And have you ever noticed that the older they are, the longer you wait, while itching to bash their heads in with a baseball bat? Perhaps banks can install some of these machines which have instruc- tions like: __[LAWYERS]__ ATM for lawyers: / A T M \ *************** /_______________\ | _____ | 1. This bank herein reserves the right to alter | |o. _ | | any Terms and Conditions which is available | |::[_]| | for perusal at any branch. Any breach in the | '-----' | aforementioned Terms and Conditions will result |___________| in the termination of this transaction, pacta sunt servanda. Any attempts to defraud this bank will result in criminal AND civil actions against the user. (And we've got better lawyers! :P ) 2. This transaction is now in session. 3. Lodge your identification card into the slot marked 'Exhibit A.' 4. Submit your evidence of identification on the keypad marked 'Exhibit B.' 5. Evidence is inadmissible. Please resubmit. (Don't you just hate it when they stand there trying to remember what it is???) 6. Choose your option: a) transfer clients' money to your account b) withdraw clients' money, in toto. c) cut off spouse's supplementary credit card d) application for supplementary card for mistress e) withdraw your own money (are you nuts?!?!) 7. This transaction is adjourned until all submissions are convened and a transcript is prepared. 8. Remove your tag from 'Exhibit A.' 9. Collect, inter alia, your allonge and attachments. 10. Case closed. __[DOCTORS]__ ATMs for doctors: / A T M \ **************** /_______________\ | _____ | 1. Insert the plasticium cardis into the anterior | |o. _ | | cavity. | |::[_]| | 2. Key in your authorization code for access to | '-----' | the controlled research room. |___________| 3. Enter your prescription: a) full account balance scan b) transfer plasma to your credit card c) take cash sample for testing d) transplant vital organ from donor to your account 4. Proceed to remove plasticium cardis. 5. Use metacarpals to remove the reagent record slip. 6. Stand by to receive life-giving cashus maximus. 7. Operation successful. Keep in intensive care. _[ENGINEERS]_ ATMs for engineers: / A T M \ ****************** /_______________\ | _____ | 1. Load the card into the transverse slot at | |o. _ | | 46 degrees south. | |::[_]| | 2. Affix the numerical sequence into the keypad | '-----' | to confirm coordinates. |___________| 3. Choose the variated differentiations: a) Longitudinal transference of cash b) Contraction variance from your account c) Separation of spouse's credit card from principal turbine producer d) Visual mathematical calculation of account balance telemetry. 4. Dislodgement of card is required. 5. Remove the crystallization by-products. 6. Project completed. Turn your structure 94 degrees with differential allowance of 0.4925 and mobilize yourself out of here. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) St. Peter is inspecting the pearly gates of heaven, along with one of those Heaven supervisors. As it turns out, the gates need some work done, so St. Peter says he'll get right on it. The sup says that according to regulations, == ! {} three bids must be {} ! == <^\()/^> ! I_II submitted before any II_I ! <^\()/^> \/||\/ I_/|_|| work can be done. St. ||_|\_I \/||\/ || ! /|_/| || Peter, in shock because || |\_|\ ! || /--\ I//| | || he doubts there will be || | |\\I /--\ (- ) /|/ | | || ANY contractors in || | | \|\ (= ) \__/ //| | | || Heaven (much less three) || | | |\\ \__/ / \|/ | | | || agrees and proceeds to || | | | \|/ \ {____} | | | || get his bids. || | | | {____} _!__|= || | | | || || | | | || |__!_ _I__| ||__|__|__|_|| The first guy he finds ||_|__|__|__||- |__I_ -|--|- ||--|--|--|-|| is an Irishman. The ||-|--|--|--||= |--|- | | || | | | || Irish guy looks at the || | | | || | | | |= || | | | || gates, inspects them, || | | | ||= | | | |- || | | | || and bids $1200 for the || | | | ||= | | | |- || | | | || project: $400 for parts, || | | | ||- | | _|__| ||__|__|__|_|| $400 for labor, and ||_|__|__|__|| |__|_ -|--|= ||--|--|--|-|| $400 for himself. ||-|--|--|--||- |--|- jgs|- || | | | || || | | | ||= | | ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ St. Peter thanks the guy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ and says that once he has received two more bids, he'll get back to him. The next guy St. Peter finds (after an extensive search, mind you) is an Italian. The Italian inspects the damage and bids $900: $300 for parts, $300 for labor, and $300 for himself. St. Peter thanks him and says that once another bid is received he'll make the decision of whom to contract with. Finally, after an exhaustive search of Heaven, St. Peter finds the third and final contractor... a Jewish guy. The Jew looks at the damage, inspects the gates, and bits $2900. "$2900!" cries St. Peter. "Yes. $1000 for you, $1000 for me, and we pay the Italian $900 to do the work." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) [] This young mother and her little son .------------. took a cab through Amsterdam. //^^^^;;^^^^^^`\ Unfortunately the route went _______//_____||_____()_\________ through the famous 'De /826 : : ___ `\ Wallen', Amsterdam's red |> ____; ; |/\><| ____ _<) light district. The young- {____/ \_________________/ \____} ster asked his mother: \ '' / \ '' / "What do all these beautiful jgs '--' '--' ladies do ?" The mother turned a little red as she responded: "When you're a little older, I'll tell you". The cabdriver turned his head and said: "Now, ma'm, these are the nineties! These subjects can be discussed, even with little children". And before the mother could prevent it, the cabby gave a colorful description of the ins and outs of these ladies' profession. When he was ready, the boy asked: "But don't these ladies have a lot of children, acting like you said?" "Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think all these cab drivers come from." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Wayne went to the pet store to buy a parrot... __,---, .---. /__|o\ ) .-"-. .----.""". / 6_6 `-\ / / / 4 4 \ /____/ (0 )\ \_ (__\ ,) (, \_ v _/ `--\_ / // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ (( )) {( )} (( )) {{ }} =======""===""=========""===""======""===""=========""===""======= jgs ||| ||||| ||| ||| | ||| | '|' | One bird caught his eye: previously owned, it was especially handsome and he purchased it. As soon as the bird was settled on its perch, Wayne went to the cupboard. "You want a cracker?" he asked, holding out a Saltine. The bird looked at the snack. "What are you, stupid? And blind? You think I keep my feathers rich by eating crackers, you moron? I want pate' and I want it now, asshole!" Shocked by this unprovoked abuse, Wayne returned to the pet store and walked up to the proprietor. "Just who owned that bird before me anyway?!" ..he demanded. "Didn't I tell you?" the proprietor said. "You are the owner of a bird that once belonged to John McEnroe." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The call came into the firehouse just as the crew had sat down to dinner. "Quick!" said the caller, "you've got to come to 10 Cherry Lane! There's a fire in my basement!" "Did you try throwing water on it?" inquired the fire fighter. "Of course I did!" _ The fire fighter replies: ( ..:;:[=--. /_\ _ ) .:::'' \ (")\ /_\ "Then there's no (,`):::,(. `/ \ I I reason for us to ) (. )' (' \ /`\ ,={_O_} come... jgs (,)' ). (' ),) _W_ `-.__.' | | That's all we do." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. ////\\\ \/6.6\/ The little boy wasn't getting good marks ( _ ) in school. One day he made the teacher ,'---', quite surprised. He tapped her on the / \ shoulder and said... /\/ \/\ \ | | / "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy \| |/ says if I don't get better grades.... |_____| somebody is going to get a spanking...." | | | |_ | _| | | | jgs |__|__| (___|___) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to subscribe | | write to unsubscribe | | write for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'