we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: 12 SURPRISING REASONS YOUR PENIS WON'T WORK AS A BIRO next issue » « previous issue This Week: * REVIEW - The FloppyMan portable music player * HATE - What does the Daily Mail think of you? * MAGIC - Little chimp sees her first trick ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Tick-tick ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK >> Dad reviews the 'FloppyMan' << "My pops reviews this awesome product," explains Touched by an Anglegrinder. Which still leaves us with the question: where can we get hold of this amazing device? http://b3ta.com/links/1074696/ >> European ski-style song << "I made a video about the lifestyle of European ski instructors," blasts WALLOP. This is hard-hitting stuff, yo. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Britney Spears 'Work Bitch' << "I have remade Britney Spears' new video, Work Bitch," writes woahbot. "I stripped it of all high production values but kept things tasty. Enjoy." http://www.b3ta.com/links/1076611 ------------------------------------------------- : USVSTH3M Some of the best stuff from our other site >> How Much Are You Hated by the Daily Mail? << Ever worry where you fit in the Daily Mail's world-view? Find out by taking this simple test. http://toys.usvsth3m.com/are-you-hated-by-the-dail... >> You Can't Javascript Under Pressure << One for the coders: How fast can you complete these exercises in scripting dexterity. http://toys.usvsth3m.com/javascript-under-pressure... >> Iain Duncan Smith's Unemployment Simulator << Welcome to the future of unemployment. http://bit.ly/1bpnoMn ------------------------------------------------- : AMAZON TAT Ravished by the Triceratops (Dinosaur Erotica) @nik_the_brief writes, "This is just crying out for inclusion in B3TA's newsletter and a few smart-arse reviews." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00EZCQAD... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Last week: Pure Fury We asked, 'A friend's dad once stormed up to me and threatened to "punch your stupid face in" because I pointed a camera at him. I was 11. Have you ever done something innocent or made a harmless joke that ended in threats to your person?' * BATSHIT MENTAL - "I once had a girlfriend, perfection personified: warm, kind, articulate, witty, and shagged like a steam train on steroids. I really thought I had it made. I remember very clearly the first time the other side of her made an appearance. I was standing stunned as she screamed and ranted, veins bulging in her forehead and rabid spittle collecting in the corners of her mouth. Eventually, having redistributed the furniture around the room, and run out of objects and invective to hurl at me, she stormed out and disappeared. My crime, you ask? Apparently, I'd cut the vegetables at the wrong angle." (moon monkey) * ANSWER-PHONE BLEEPS - "A mate of mine once played me a voicemail he'd received. I can't remember it exactly, but it was along the lines of 'Andy you fucker I'm going to kill you I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THAT TO ME YOU BASTARD I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY YOU'D BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK I FUCKING KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE YOU WANKER YOU'RE GOING TO WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN I'M GOING TO...oh sorry, I've just realised this is the wrong number, sorry'." (skullfunkerry) * STRANGE PROPOSAL, "Visiting the urinal at my local pub. During my beer fueled wee I happened to let out a rather violent sneeze, which sent my glasses flying from my face. My glasses went hurtling slightly to my right and bounced off the penis of the chap standing next to me. Now, confusingly he assumed not only that I had managed to do that deliberately, but that it was some sort of weird homosexual mating ritual. I was very angrily informed that if I tried any more of that 'bender shit' that he would rip my balls off and feed them to his dog... By the way, I left the glasses in the urinal and got more ordered the next day." (NoStrings) Read all the fuckers here: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/purefury/ >> This week: Love/hate Britain << This week's been all about the Ralf Miliband, the Daily Mail and why people love or hate their country. Tell us one thing you hate about Britain, and one thing about why you love it. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/lovehatebritain/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Deadly lake that turns animals to stone << Lake Natron in Tanzania is highly caustic, killing pretty much anything that falls in it. That said, this photographer has managed to make smashing pics by posing the resulting, macabre animal 'statues'. http://bit.ly/15Fc2zj >> Mouldy food in the office fridge << It's Friday: Remember to clear your crap out of the communal fridge. These festering pots are both a stark warning and strangely beautiful. http://containerspore.tumblr.com/ >> Then & Now: Vintage crime scenes << Somewhat harrowing scenes of mayhem and murder, superimposed on their present-day New York locations. Adds just enough interest to the slightly shop-worn 'then & now' trope. http://nydn.us/13Qux2L >> Corridor looks like a crotch << Sceptical? So were we. But it does - almost to the point of being NSFW. http://bit.ly/18usKop ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Tell your friends: TV's on the web! >> Chimp sees magic for the first time << Charming antics, as an adorable chimpanzee is treated to her very first magic show. She's so baffled! http://www.youtube.com/watch >> New iPhone speed-tested against every iPhone << Just what it says in the title. Pleasing to see them all lined up and rebooting. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Wrecking Ball hedgehog parody << No more Wrecking Ball parodies please - this one is perfect. https://www.youtube.com/watch >> Talking Devil Cat << Two slightly hysterical Irish ladies are startled by a cat that seems to be telling them to "Go away!" https://www.youtube.com/watch >> Amazing wingsuit camera << Bloke jumps off cliff wearing one of those panoramic cameras. You can control the view, as he plummets towards the ground in his wingsuit. http://bit.ly/1fIBDi3 >> Daily Mail editor crushed on Newsnight << It's not often you get to cheer for Alistair Campbell. But here he delivers a tremendous verbal beatdown on Daily Mail deputy editor Jon Steafel, over the paper's peculiar fixation on the Milibands. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Controversial Computer Game Challenge Last week we wanted you to outdo GTA5 in the tabloid-baiting stakes Your favourites included: * NAIL: Geordie minstrel applies regional spin to child-kidnap blockbuster (evilrob) http://www.b3ta.com/board/11014127 * BONGO: pompous UKIP babblemouth attends old-skool interview (The Silent Channel) http://www.b3ta.com/board/11015947 * DEATH: spectacular suicide-prompting adventure selection (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/11014417 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/controversial-games/ >> New challenge: Sausage Art << This week's challenge is to take the humble sausage and turn it into great art. You task is to adapt classics by adding porky extensions, or to create entirely new masterpieces. Extra points for real-life use of a sausage source http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sausage-art/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT * BUY FLATFROG'S BOOK - "Any chance you could pretty please tell the world about my book?" asks flatfrog. "It's aimed at 10-14 year-olds and I've been rewriting it for about 20 years without ever knowing if it's any good." To be fair, we don't know if it's any good either, but here it is as a community bulletin. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00FK7BUE... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * INTERNET DATING TROLLING - make a fake profile of a beautiful woman. See how many replies you get. Photoshop her left eye 5% bigger. See how many replies you get. At what percent are men put off? If at all? * LITERAL TUBE STOP PHOTOGRAPHY PROJECT - take a photo standing in front of the Hatton Cross tube station sign, with a hat on, looking cross. * HYBRID WIRELESS / USB MICE AND KEYBOARD - they should charge from USB then work wirelessly. Sort it out, Shnapple. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Quesadilla: [email protected] Burrito: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel an David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the wicked crucial b3ta crew. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Rob Manuel. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Men. Make yourself infinitely more appealing to women by cultivating a bitter, misogynistic personality online. (drimble) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive