we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "SPOILER ALERT: YOU AND EVERYONE YOU EVER LOVED WILL DIE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * MICROSOFT WORD - Clip art album covers * CHALLENGE - Christmas with James Bond * QUESTION - Your weird OCD rituals ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the cats' ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Clip-art, Hedgehogs, Parties and OsPORN >> Clip-art album covers << "Regarding Comic Sans bands (suggested in last week's newsletter): I got bored and did some classic covers," reveals CornishCalzone. The Velvet Underground cover actually looks good. Probably the way they'd do it, if starting up today. http://clipartcovers.tumblr.com/ >> Singing Christmas Hedgehogs! << Adorable carolling hedgehogs are waiting to take your Christmas requests. "Pick a singer," urges hog-wrangler Bewley. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Singing_Christmas_Hedgeh... >> Office Party Rescue << "However badly you disgrace yourself at the office party - this guy will top it," explains the enigmatic steinerdrome. Timely advice. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Office_Party_Rescue:3 >> George osPORN << "I know people accuse George Osborne of fucking the country but I didn't realise they meant literally..." wails B3tan Housewife. Very NSFW, despite being edited together entirely out of parliamentary footage. Ed Balls's face is a picture. http://www.b3ta.com/links/George_osPORN ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Your Biggest Sexual Regrets If you ever wondered if you were having a worse time sexually than everyone else, wonder no more. You're totally sorted, mate: http://b3ta.com/questions/sexyregrets/ * THE REPORT - "I left boarding school like most Catholic males did in the 70s: psychologically fucked up, no knowledge of the opposite sex, bar nuns and porn (not together either) and with alternating uncontrollable lust and crushing, unmerited guilt. Oh, and no social skills except persistence. Off to Uni I go, where I find that the skills picked up at the 6th year mixed discos we'd been allowed (5 minute dance, lights off, frenzied mutual wank, nip out for fag while she wept quietly) didn't stand me in good stead. And then I met Mary, who was a biology PhD student, and therefore a) older and b) used to gutting small furry animals. Bought her a drink, got face slapped, bought her another, got wry smile refusal, bought her another, got "You really don't give up, do you?". "Er, no" "Right, Friday afternoon, Block x Room yyy. Wash, shave, clean teeth. Bring change of clothes and enough money for a decent restaurant. Tell no one." On arrival, novel filth (to me) ensued. I was instructed on the location and proper use of the various ladybits, and how to make absolutely sure their owner had more fun than I ever would. Then there was Introductory Prostate Handling, a shower, Gentlemanly Weight Distribution 101, a cigarette, tooth brushing, Keeping the Ears Warm, and finally For God's Sake, Can't You Manage Another One? The meal took most of my grant for the next month. We returned for more filth. She chucked me out at 2 am to face an 8 mile walk back to the 1st year residences. After a week with no contact, I wandered into Bio and asked her dept head if I could talk to her. He gave me a long searching look, not without a smile, and handed me an envelope. Inside was a dissection protocol form, but instead of a description of eviscerated hamsters, there was a report headed "Investigation of Immature Male Hominid" with a mark out of 10 for every perversion we'd perpetrated. None of them was over 6. What do I regret? Not the sex, not the meal, not the humiliation. I regret missing the Dungeons and Dragons meet that Friday, where my 43rd level cleric got lent out by the DM and killed by a spod from Social Sciences. Told you I was fucked up." (all my scars face forward) * THE LIST - "I was about 26 years old, when during a friendly discussion at the local the conversation moved on to heaven. Everyone piped up with theories until one friend said, "I was at this comedy show one time when the guy doing stand-up made a quip about heaven. He said that all of the religions had got it wrong, and when you die, what actually happens is a guy shows up with a clipboard and simply passes it to you." "And...?" "And on that clipboard is a list, with the names of every woman in your life that would have had sex with you had you merely asked". He went on to tell us that all of the women at the show burst out laughing, whilst he sat shocked, gazing around and seeing similar expressions on the faces of every bloke in there. The same expressions on all of ours around that pub table all those years ago. I've never looked at life the same way since. My greatest sexual regret is that I didn't know about 'The List' sooner." (Regger) * THE PASS - "She was a friend's younger sister. Just 18, about to go to Uni, a pocket sized blonde with big blue eyes, saucy smile & not a straight line on her. I'd appreciated her in a purely theoretical way to date. But now she had a teenage crush on me. Me? 12 years older, and in a serious relationship, with my soon-to-be fiancee. So when this lively little blonde made her tentative approaches, I gently put her off. Pleased with my maturity and fortitude, I told my girlfriend of how I had manfully resisted the temptation. "Oh, she's really cute" she said. "I'd have given you a weekend pass for her." Bugger, fuck and bollocks." (North Utsira South Utsira) >> This Week's Question - Weird Rituals << David Cameron holds in his piss in order to concentrate. What weird borderline OCD shit do you do and why? Talk to us here whilst jiggling your right foot: http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdrituals/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates * DA FEDZ WATCHING YOUR TORRENTS - it's easy to imagine you can download any old crap off the internet and no one knows. This site stores IP address and checks them against torrents and makes a stab at listing what you've been downloading. Might frighten you by being right, or come up with the same kind of false positive that the whole three-strikes-and-your-out bullshit will produce. http://www.youhavedownloaded.com/ * LONDON HISTORY BLOG WITH FABULOUS PHOTOS. We need to explore this more as it's packed full of quirky bits of ephemera from the recent past. http://www.nickelinthemachine.com * TWITTER BY POST - an extraordinary attempt to connect with friends via postcards in the style of Twitter. Reminds us that our friends used to be more than people who could RT us to bolster up our ego. http://t.co/0d6vqmiI * WHERE THE FUCK SHOULD I GO FOR A DRINK - neat idea although we disagreed with suggestions for our local area. Suggesting a shit pub full of gastro food frequented by twats. http://wherethefuckshouldigofordrinks.com/ * THE SECRET HISTORY OF BAND AID - amusing post speculating about the line ups for Band Aid 3, 4 etc. http://freakytrigger.co.uk/ft/2004/11/the-secret-h... * DEVASTATING EXPLOSIONS - Yes it's spammy internet marketing for Old Spice. But fuck it, BOOM! http://www.devastatingexplosions.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH The 30 Most Important Cats of 2011 2011 has been a shit year for cats in B3ta Towers; the official cat Rocky died of old age and we got some kittens. Turns out we're horribly allergic and we had to give them to a friend. So let's celebrate virtual cats - ones that don't make you sneeze or die and make the kids cry: http://goo.gl/eKN6H ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a Casio TV Watch but without a strap >> Ridiculous Dirt-biking mishap << Out in the woods for a ride through the mud, what could possibly go wrong? Worth keeping the sound on, as his mates' helpless laughter adds to the joy. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Out_in_the_woods_for_a_r... >> Dubstep fluffeh << Kittens waking up from painkillers after a visit to the vet. Very much the post-club trip to the kebab shop. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dubstep_fluffeh >> Friendly bear waves back << Just one more reason to love the manliest animal there is (including humans). http://www.b3ta.com/links/Friendly_Bear_Waves_Back >> X-Factor voiceover man strikes back << The bombastic announcer from X Factor lets us know what he really thinks. You're asking for this, when one bloke gets all the voiceover work - with barely any editing you can make him say anything. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Bearded dragon playing Ant Crusher << Insectivorous lizard proves both motivated and awesome at smartphone game based on killing insects. Thus proving magazines are obsolete. Or something. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bearded_Dragon_playing_A... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Loliphant graveyard - where funny goes to die * RADIO TRANSMISSION FAILURE - or radio presenter makes an astonishing confession. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Radio_transmission_failu... * BBC = BIG BLUEPRINTY COCK - There's nothing funny about the diagram halfway down the page in this sober story about Fukushima. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-16212057 * KEEP SCROLLING - there is a surprise. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Scrolling_scrolling_scro... * PERVERT TRAP - We don't believe this guy really has a room available - don't fall for the ploy, ladies. http://cardiff.craigslist.co.uk/roo/2721316451.htm... * EASTER EGG - Google Maps gets cute, when asked for walking directions from The Shire to Mordor. http://goo.gl/FSVam ------------------------------------------------- : BANNED WORDS/PHRASES FOR 2012 Because our personal irritations are now law KLAXON, *breaking* *nom nom nom* just sayin' TWeologisms. My bad X much? As in "unoriginal much?" Smash it Totes "I used to be a X, but then I took an arrow in the knee" ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the NASA Challenge Last week we wanted you to mess with space. Your favourites included: * WOOF - uncontrollable dog in space meme action (rotten eggs) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10626912 * SKIP - meanwhile, on the dark side of the Moon, it's playtime (E Dubya) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10628138 * GOO - crudely-drawn mantool in zero gravity face-mess (herman:D) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10626668 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/nasa/ >> New challenge: James Bond Xmas << It's almost Christmas, and we're celebrating by asking you to fire up Photoshop and show us Christmas in the world of Bond... James Bond. Challenge suggested by Manic. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/xmasbond/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * TURNIP CAKES - Labmonkey writes, "Carrot cake with turnips? Why yes. Yes you can. A friend of mine is gluten intolerant and it's quite common to use veg for adding moisture to wheat-free cakes. We both like baking. Veggies we have either added to, or located lurking in the dark heart of, cakes include parsnips, turnips, beetroot, courgette, rosemary, mashed potato and squash. She owns this book. It's a sort of manual to hiding your five-a-day in delicious cake." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/059306236... * ESTIMATE YOUR PISS - The Greyhound writes, "Did this not so long ago. Having a bedroom miles away from the toilet but with a sink installed, I nominated a pint glass to become my piss pot measuring vessel and started measuring my flow. Managed a one piss = one full pint ratio several times. However, I believe it is impossible for a human to fill two pint glasses consecutively in one 'standing'. Tried using 2-litre fizzy drinks bottles as well (Finish the 2 litres before you need a piss, then fill the bottle). It's an interesting spin-off; the extra precision required to wee down a bottle top without soaking your hands adds a frustratingly addictive facet to the sport. And even though I am single, I still feel as if I'm winning at life." ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Pitch perfect Think of a song you know well. Say the intro riff from the KLFs What Time Is Love. Hum it. Keep humming it. Look it up on Youtube/Spotify. Have you got the pitch right? How far were you out? This game can also be played with BPM for the truly mad. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * LIZARDOTRON - A bookmarketlet that makes all photos lizards and converts words like banker to lizard. E.g. "Britain is ruled by the lizards for the lizards". * BOARD GAME MASHUPS - e.g. Monoposcrabble you get 7 letters every go. You can only buy property you can spell. * MORE BOARD GAME MASHUPS - Trivial Chesssuit - each time you get a question right you can move your chess piece. Play passes to other player if answer is wrong. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- EMF: [email protected] IMF: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by some useless cunt with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by fridgefreezer, SpudleyDudley, Bourbon Fox, combatcameraman, cnamhspairne, Tharg, DesignCredo, @bumtweets @peregr1n @g6juice @deltorro01 @melissa_fix, @peregr1n, funnylittlefrog, thewankerstuff, @mattround, josh.cann, @jearle Riggleberry, Ho ho ho Scaramanga, CopyBeard. Top Tippery by robneymcplum Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: An orange with about 30 fresh cloves pushed into the skin, tied to a length of christmas ribbon, makes an ideal festive mace to attack red-suited intruders entering your property over the holiday period. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive