we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "POST-RAPTURE EDITION" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * KIDS - Automatic CBeebies machine * SHOELACES - You're doing them wrong * BALLS - Make pretty tunes ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're spilling tea ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Laptop parent machine, Babies and Funiculars >> Internet Parent Machine << "Last newsletter you pleaded for a 'random CBeebies' playlist option on the BBC iPlayer," reminds Lost Tourist. "Well now you can piss off down the pub and leave your young 'uns safely tucked up in front of the computer." Genuinely a useful thing if you have small children. Although we weren't able to properly test the 'automatically forward to the next programme', so maybe it's an internet tears machine that only shows children 5 minutes of their favourite shows... http://www.waitingforlunchtime.co.uk/games/cbeebie... >> Babies << "This is how babies are made," brags weebl. Big, bonny, bouncing, joyful stuff. And safe for work. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Babies/ >> Cairngorm Funicular Railway << "I went up a mountain on a train," purrs eclectech. "I went up quite slowly, but you can watch it quite quickly." Pretty stuff, though somehow reminiscent of a period sitcom set on a remote Scottish mountain. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cairngorm_Funicular_Rail... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Trolls Last week we asked for your stories of trolls, trolling and trip-trapping over bridges. Trolls? On the Internet? Surely not: http://b3ta.com/questions/trolls/ * TPS - "I always take unsolicited telephone sales calls. I am always polite, express interest in the products or services being sold and generally act like a lovely customer. Sadly, I am quite hard of hearing, have a very poor memory, suffer from congenital stupidity and did I mention not having a good memory? Due to these health issues, it will often take many, many, many repeated attempts before I understand even simple concepts. Sometimes, to the general embarrassment of all concerned, I will need the same sentence to be repeated ten or more times before it sinks into my thick skull. When we ultimately, normally after more than 30-minutes later, get to the point where I have to hand over my bank details, to secure whatever great service is being offered, I generally get very confused about my bank provider. It's not been unknown for me to confuse the barcode on a can of Coke for my account number. One nice gentleman was VERY frustrated at my 28-digit account number. He made me get my cheque book, explained where to get the account number from, and was quite upset that it had the same 28-digit number I'd already given him. I did explain, patiently, that it was a very BIG chequebook... This is why I'm signed up to the Telephone Preference Service. It's not to protect ME and to save ME any wasted time. No, no, no. I have altruistically signed up to the TPS to protect the poor telesales industry from having to deal with my fuckpiggery." (Linbox) * DON'T BE EVIL - "A few months ago, I intentionally clicked on a link I knew was to Rick Astley (because I actually wanted to listen to the song), only to find it had been blocked in my country on copyright grounds. Long story short, I was reverse-rickrolled by Google. (The Coast Of Yemen) * NSFW OCD - "My mate once visited one of those websites where you can watch girls fondle about and tease, and take requests from the chat-room. "Now what do you want me to do big boy?" she purred. He asked her if she'd fix the angle of the picture that was hanging on the wall behind them, as it was doing his head in." (mr-lizard) >> This Week's Question << What's the best thing you've ever eaten? Or the worst thing, come to that. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/bestandworstfood/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> How to edit webpages for shits and giggles << A neat bit of javascript that you can use to temporarily edit webpages for lols. E.g. Edit the Daily Mail site to be 5% more racist than it already is, take a screengrab, post it on twitter and sit back and watch the hatemob RT their pitchforks. http://goo.gl/HWCFb >> Drop balls for pretty tunes << Basically draw some lines on the screen and the dropping balls will make magical music. Brian Eno has made whole albums like this and people paid money for it. http://balldroppings.com/js/ >> What's the most epic photo ever taken? << Nice crowd-sourced collection of stuff you know (Vietnam, self-immolating monk, man on the moon etc) and stuff that you don't. Weirdly, the photo of David Hasselhoff and Arnold from Different Strokes isn't there. http://www.quora.com/Whats-the-most-epic-photo-eve... >> What would you take if your house was burning? << The kids? Or a load of old tat? http://the-burning-house.com/ >> Have you ever been taken in by The Onion << Site devoted to people taking Onion stories at face value. This has ever never happened to us. We're media professionals. http://bit.ly/iWY6fo >> What to read this week: The Psychopath Test << Jon Ronsons's new book, we devoured it in a day, tells various stories related to one of the darkest labels that psychiatry can give: psychopath. Includes the fascinating theory that TV likes people mental but not too mental, a Jeremy Kyle-style show that made sure it booked people on Prozac rather than any schizophrenia medicine. And how TV liked David Shayler when he was a 9/11 truther but not when he announced himself as Christ. Worth reading. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/033049226... Or see an extract from the Guardian here: http://goo.gl/K6iZx ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like those .movs that broke your email in 2001 >> You're tying your shoelaces wrong << Stopping to tie up your shoelaces is a pain and those clever chaps at TED have released a video which shows how to do it properly. Of course it's not just about shoes - if you really wanted your laces to stay done, you'd replace the laces with zips or velcro straps like they have on shoes for the under-5s. It's a metaphor for how sometimes you're doing the basics wrong and don't even know it. http://goo.gl/1xITa >> Exorcist advert << A great ad that riffs on the crazy levitation scenes in the Exorcist. We almost forgive advertising for making us buy useless shit day in day out, as this is such a neat bit of creative. http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_advert_really_sucks >> Why you shouldn't watch the Apprentice << 1. Alan Sugar is a dick on Twitter. 2. All the contestants are numpties. This Mitchell and Webb sketch is mostly riffing on point 2. http://goo.gl/srvaF >> Bitch got a penis << We're suckers for a catchphrase and this song certainly offers up a new one that might embarrass you in public. Watch to the end for a neat reveal. http://www.b3ta.com/links/People_like_this ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Mr Masturbation and Apple Stores * Let's hope his friends shorten his name to Willie: http://www.getcited.org/pub/100295141 * Apple stores are an ideal location for the elderly to look at porn. http://goo.gl/39ZRH ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Last week: Sex change movies We asked you to engage in gender-swap roleplay and, for some reason, you did. Our favourites include: * 28 DAYS LATE - having kids is a worse nightmare than any rubbish Hollywood can dream up. http://b3ta.com/board/10425740 * FIRST BLOOD - taking the men out of menstruate. http://b3ta.com/board/10426251 * SOMETHING ABOUT SHOES - that we think is about blokes being fed up about women wittering on about shoes. http://b3ta.com/board/10425842 The best as voted by you: http://b3ta.com/challenge/sexchangemovies/ >> This week: Biscuits << Two weeks ago we ate a Bourbon biscuit and thought "this is the shittiest biscuit ever" and somehow this morphed into "let's suggest the B3tans do a biscuit challenge". http://b3ta.com/challenge/biscuits/popular/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MAD JAPANESE CAPTURE THE FLAG GAME - robertvaliant writes, "The 'sport' you mentioned in the last newsletter looks so much fun my friend and I are thinking of organising our own. Trouble is we don't even have enough friends for five-a-side football. Anyway, we looked into it and here's the wiki." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bo-Taoshi * iPHONE TEXT BLOCKER - We asked why there isn't there a simple 'block texts' button on our phone like there is in email? Some of you pointed out iBlacklist - which only works if you jailbreak your phone. Which is a bit pathetic really. http://www.iblacklist.com.br/ * FLEATOON RETURNS - Dogbomb's collection of cheesy old jokes, retold from the mouths of fleas was last big-upped in issue 79, before taking a brief hiatus. "I've been collating and sitting on jokes for the past 3 years," cackles the man. "I now have over 1000 and now it's time to UNLEASH HELL! Or at least... unleash groans and headslaps. Daily. With fleas." http://fleatoon.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME More sexy games Buster Hackney writes, "My take on Friday Game - Tube version. You ride the up escalator. As you watch the other bodies riding down, you have to pick the one you will have sex with. You have to pick someone before the end of the ride. Once you pick you can't change your mind. If you made the right choice you win the game. If you pass someone even hotter that makes you shout, "Doh!" ... you lose." Or if you don't want such muck, sinisterduck suggests playing 'Ponycorns' with gfx and story created by a five-year-old girl. Really. That's what happens when your dad is a massive geek. http://jayisgames.com/games/sissys-magical-ponycor... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * DAVID ICKE vs BEYONCÉ MASH UP - take the "GIRLS! Rule the world" and shout "lizards!" over the "girls" bit. And photoshops Icke's head on Beyonce. You could also probably do one with Hitler and Jews, but that actually would be sort of horrid, rather than just mental. * TOY TOWN MUSIC - Edward Bear asks, "I wonder if you could play Kind of Blue in its entirety using only instruments available from the Early Learning Centre." * A KITTEN BLOCK THAT DOESN'T JUST BLOCK THE DAILY MAIL - but any story sourced on Tax Payers Alliance material. (The cunning pressure group that's basically the Tory party outsourcing their nastiness.) Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Rhyden Staines, thomchem, Damocles, mrandrist, Jimmy Savlon, DaveExclamationMark. Top Tippery by ry_simmonds. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Paul_P. ------------------------------------------------- : TOP TIP: Fed up of your Internet being usurped by The Man to push loud, flashing and obstructive advertising pop-ups down your eyes? Then uninstall your Flash player. That's pretty much all people use it for nowadays anyway. It might even help you get on with work for once in your life too, rather than spending your days hiding Miniclip from the boss. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive