we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "SPECIAL CHRIS MOYLES CHARITY FUNDRAISER EDITION" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * FUCK MY EYES - Funny name corner is back * VIDEO - Dog on escalator * CUTE - Sandkittens! ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're deluding ourselves ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than wanking in Portaloos >> Dog on an escalator << "My dog leads a simple life," confesses Waruu. "Needless to say, he knows very little of the workings of an escalator. A fact which he brilliantly displayed on a recent trip into London Town." This is why you're supposed to carry your canine chums on escalators. Their poor, fuzzy brains just can't cope. http://snurl.com/dogscalator >> Cat Face 22 << Cat Face has been going through all them old photographs in the loft. Wonchop asks what could life have been like for the Catfaces of yesteryear? http://weebls-stuff.com/catface/Cat+Face+22/ >> Sticks: Copper Kidnap << "Here's a follow-up to our lolly sticks animation Copper Cuppa," say the Brothers McLeod. Creepily in unison. "This one features an evil pencil sharpener. Obviously." http://snurl.com/copperkidnap ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Drugs Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were really wasted. Luckily some of you are willing to admit to acting like a massive twat whilst on massive drugs. Read about them here: http://b3ta.com/questions/massivedrugs/ * "A friend of mine told me about his return trip from Helter Skelter. He'd nodded off in the passenger seat and woke up to the driver having a bit of a panic: the headlights of a lorry were looming towards them and the driver was frantically trying to spin the wheel. The other two passengers woke up too, and the driver, after a few further panicked stamps on the brakes, opened the door and hurled himself out of the car. It transpired shortly after this that all four of them had pulled over into a layby for a nap several hours earlier; the driver had woken up, seen the approaching headlights and, in his addled haze, assumed he was still driving. Where the idea of hurling himself out of the car came from though, I've no idea." (luckybluecoat) * "When I first began driving I borrowed my mum's car a lot. Enjoying the freedom of the road I soon stocked up on indie compilation tapes and sweets and visited friends around the country. One evening my mum came back from work and asked to sit down for a serious talk. She pulled out a small white tablet embossed with a letter on it and said to me, with tears in her eyes: "I found this in my car. I want you to answer me straight. Is this drugs?" I took it off her, looked at it (I'd obviously dropped it in the car) and told her the truth in a calm tone of voice. "No. It's a Smint." (B3tatimolsky) * "As a northerner I like to inject ecstasy straight into my mouth: we call it E by gum." (djgalaxe - the old jokes are the best jokes) >> This Week's Question : Regret << CactusZack wrote to tell us about dumping a girlfriend AFTER she got breast implants. It clearly still haunts him. What inexplicable decisions have you made? http://b3ta.com/questions/decisions/ ------------------------------------------------- : SHITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Signs of the fucking apocalypse << Are you completely rat-rape insane? Do you worry that funny shit might happen in front of you and you'll miss youTube gold? Then record everything, EVERYTHING that occurs, with a camera attached to your FACE. (We're wearing one now so we can edit our toilet time into an auto-tuned piss symphony.) http://www.looxcie.com/ >> Blind people on iPhones << Found ourselves almost moved by this description of a blind guy's life being radically improved by an iPhone app which speaks out the colours of stuff that you point it at. BTW: Out of curiosity we nabbed the same app and it's psychedelic - randomly intoning strange and poetic colours with a robot voice. It's like dropping acid with Stephen Hawking. http://snurl.com/myeyephone >> Rap map << If you're stuck for a poster to print out to illustrate your spunky sock-strewn hovel, then waste your toner and A4 on this exciting GIF that unlocks the secrets of Rap for the white man. http://snurl.com/rapchart >> Map of European Stereotypes << It's obviously map week on the internet, and this depressingly accurate collection of maps makes us wish we understood world poLOLitics better, but we can nod and laugh and pretend with the best. http://alphadesigner.com/project-mapping-stereotyp... >> Boy meets girl with a dark twist << Introducing the M Night Shamalamadingdong of cartoons, here's something to crack one out to while your torrents of "Granny Fuckfest 9" are stalling at 99%. http://www.viruscomix.com/page199.html >> Crap at my parents' house << Those of you who aren't from broken homes might have parents who still keep their bedrooms pristine, literal empty nests, and tombs to their post-menopausal wombs. Take heed B3tans, this is what's called love: http://crapatmyparentshouse.com ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOUR CUTEDAR GO PING PING PING Sandkittens "These blast points — too accurate for sandkittens," muttered Obi-Wan Kittenobi. Cute as buttons though. http://snurl.com/spangcats ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like one of those Casio video watches from 2002 but with bigger video >> OK Go - take 70-something << Every OK GO video they make is better than the last one, and every song is less memorable. How do they do it? How can they put notes together in such forgettable ways? Still, the video is interstellar and... did you spot the goat? http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Russian bloke vs airbag << We were chatting to Britain's premiere viral director Ben Wheatley the other day and he told us his theory of slapstick viral success. Someone smug should get a comeuppance. If this wasn't real - we reckon Ben could have made it. It's the callous laughter that stays with you. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Stsanders Beatles << Comedy has a new name and it's Stsanders. Fucking classic, mate. And we're not types to use that pseudo-matey cockney chat. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stsanders_Beatles >> Star Wars - 10 Re-Edits << "Ten scenes from the Great Film, re-edited for laughs. Some hilarious, some not," writes Cliff Richard's porn stash. To be honest, we only managed the first gag about clumsy jedis before contemptuously thinking, "This will work as filler for the newsletter" and then going back to main job of the day: googling those idiots in the 'catch the bus' suicide pact. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Wars_10_Re_Edits >> How to crack open a coconut << This is the same chappie that chucked a brick into a washing machine and, by crikey, he's a bit of a mental. Here he's made some sort of mad machine to destroy coconuts by inflating them. It's a real low-stakes thriller, as the pressure dial slowly creeps into the red zone. http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_crack_open_a_coco... >> DJ Cat << Old people on the internet might remember Keyboard Cat, a youTube vid (remember them?) from simpler days. This is somewhat reminiscent. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dj_Cat ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Like rape is funny to a rape victim. We're not disrespecting rape victims here, we're simply saying this section isn't funny, using appropriately strong language. * INVENTOR OF SEMEN-BASED INVISIBLE INK WAS CALLED 'CUMMING' - actually forget the crappy lol factor of the name, it's just a fascinating story that YOU need to read. http://snurl.com/inkstain * MARIJUANA SAWYER - what kind of parent names a child after the drugs they were on when they conceived the child? Oh, a high parent of course. Ever wonder why so many 80s kids are called Charlie? http://www.uww.edu/advising/aaec/welcome/staff/saw... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Retro Sci-Fi Challenge Last week we wanted you to show us the future, yesterday. Your favourites included: * AWWW - worth much clickage simply for the sublime image of Chewbacca as a pup (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10189914 * SUPPER - that classic Alien scene, re-imagined as a Da Vinci mural (The Great Architect) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10190559 * BOOZE - the best beer, ever, has a mixed audience (Ninj) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10193037 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scifisequel/ >> New challenge: Parallel Universes << Imagine a universe where everything is totally reversed. Then make a picture or animation of it. Challenge suggested by The Hedgehog From Hell. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/parallel/ ------------------------------------------------- : FIRESHARES NEEDED FOR PhD Go on, help a B3tan out Commandsheep writes - "I'm a member of b3ta and would like to summon the wisdom of the crowd for a piece of research for my PhD. I have been slacking through the whole thing so far but now I have realised that I have to put some effort in, otherwise they are going to kick me out. My professor already hates me and my only chance to win his love back is to present him with some results. So please b3ta, will you help me out? "I am looking for young adults (aged 18-24) that download music with p2p file-sharing apps and are willing to be interviewed. I know that this technology is archaic by now but when I started the PhD it wasn't. And that should tell you about how long I have been living this hell. "My email for contact is: [email protected]" ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * VEITCH IS ENTERING THE HAM BUSINESS - Joel writes, "I'm embarking on flogging ham HAM HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM specifically Serrano ham. The ham project is called HAMAZING and it is going to be absolutely brilliant! I am massively buzzing off the fact I am going into the ham business, mainly because it means there will be a completely justifiable excuse for me to always have loads of ham." * DAN BULL ON SPOTIFY - B3ta's own pet rapper Dan has stuck his debut album on Spotify. We listened to it whilst walking in the rain and particularly enjoyed the track about writing songs to get stuff out of your head, as a form of therapy. Speaking as people who've recorded over 50 tracks this year, most of them too alarming for public consumption, we're saying "right on, brother." http://open.spotify.com/album/0o2u8kElp1WJs3ycLuJs... * AN OFF BUTTON FOR FACEBOOK PLACES - anniediv writes, "Is this what you meant?" Erm, probably. Mostly we were just moaning that Facebook had foisted more unwelcome shit on us. If we wanted to be on foursquare we'd be there. BTW: UK Wired magazine having foursquare bloke on cover a few months back with tagline "King of the Internet" made us laugh so much we had to photograph it for future lols. http://bit.ly/cswUVt ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Real world break out Imagine you're trapped in a really dull office and the only way you can skive is to play crappy versions of Breakout that look like Word from the mid-2000s. If this isn't your life already then this game is a pretty accurate simulation: http://snurl.com/realworldbreakout ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * THINK ABOUT XMAS - maybe a pop-up advent calendar with shitty obscene Internet memes behind every door like goaste, turbgirl and that twat who sat on a lightbulb. * CUM-BREAD - Recently been mildly obsessed with cum-bread (bread made with cum) after seeing a reference to it in a biography of 70s disco star Sylvester. Please make some, do a "how to make cum-bread video" then see if you can get find anyone stupid enough to eat it. BTW: We're so cum-bread obsessed that it's become a minor catch phrase. Like, "Hey Cum-bread, how was work?" Or, "What's for dinner? I hope it's cum-bread." * AN EIFFEL TOWER MADE OF SAUSAGES - we dunno, it's getting towards lunchtime and our tummies are rumbling. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Top people: [email protected] Shit wanks: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANK YOU OFF UNTIL YOU POP: This issue was written by Rob "ert" Manuel with David Leonardo Stevenson using the power of Google Docs. We used to use a Wiki but Jesus Helium Christ, this is easier. Stuff sent in by drake1, robneymcplum, chestmcgee, Rodhri, Enzyme, Hellzapoppin, chthonicionic, glenbo, Dave the Explosive Newt, Paster of Muppets, waz4444, Christian Heilmann. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. BTW: Considering Princess Diana lived about 36 years, we'd like to know where Elton gets his surprisingly durable candles from. Subjlols via The Great Architect. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: "Hi Chaps," simpers ArfurDaley, "for your top tippery newslettery shenanigans: Shave in the shower, to save huge amounts of time and shaving foam. That is all." next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive