we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "[INSERT UNFUNNY MARK SPEIGHT 'JOKE' HERE]" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VID - Retro internet * PICS - Trailer trash mugshots * READ - Huge Steve Albini 'interview' ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ "if you close your ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | eyes, it's no different ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than earwax stains on the desk >> Retro internet << Amusing eighties throwback documentary by weareace, purporting to show how this futuristic 'internet' thing will work. Of course, it fails to do so, but in entertaining fashion. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Internet >> Random Proverb Generator << A call for content in last week's newsletter opened the floodgates, as a veritable horde of techie b3tards wrote their own proverb-mashing machines. Area writes, "Here's my (quick and dirty) proverb generator. 'Doctors make the very worst love and war' is my favourite so far." We also like 'A bad workman blames your cloth.' and 'A friend in need is in the bush.' http://server52204.uk2net.com/b3taproverbs/ >> Pocketless pool << SlurpyJ has recently been busy redubbing sporting events. This 'pocketless pool' particularly impressed us, as we initially thought he'd built a huge set and filled it with a fake sporting tournament. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pocketless_Pool ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Phobias Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked what scares the willies out of you? (Providing, of course, you had willies inside you in the first place): http://b3ta.com/questions/phobias/ * INVISIBLE TOUCH - "Fingers+Face=Fear, Paranoia and Freak-out. Anyone lightly poking my face so that they are barely touching it sends me into a panic fit. The lighter they do it, the worse it is. I can't cope with it, it makes me unable to breathe and I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I stopped telling people when I realised that people are bastards, and they will do it to see the subsequent freakout and me batting at my face like a spakker angry with his own nose. I thought I was alone in this strange condition, but when I went to Uni I found someone else with this weird streak in them. As a result we have spent many a strange afternoon sitting in front of one another lightly touching each others face at the same time to see who would 'break' first. It truly is a game with no winners, just two very sad, demented-looking losers..." (unloved) * EIGHT-LEGGED FEAR MACHINE - "I'm 7. It's high summer and I'm on my Auntie's farm, playing with my cousins. The sun is hot, the barn is cool. We are climbing the big, stacked, plastic sacks of animal feed that reach nearly to the rafters. A perfect game, an idyllic scene. Chased to the top, I had seemingly vanished: my lithe 7-year-old frame had posted itself down a 2-foot square gap in the centre of the pile, and slid about 20 feet to the bottom. I was ok. Arms and bare legs scratched but the gap was so tight that my descent was not so rapid. After much laughter and reassurance, the older girls ran to get Uncle Gerard and a length of rope. Alone in the tight dim space, my scratches are becoming increasingly tickly. Then my eyes adjust. I'm coated with house spiders. You saw that coming, didn't you? They were in my long, thick Irish curls. They were in my t-shirt. They were creeping up my shorts. Bare-foot I was stood in an sea of the bastards. They were still abseiling down onto my upturned face, my ears, my nostrils, sticking to my tears. I kept my mouth clamped shut. You know that dry, crackling sound when you rip spider's web? Every movement I made. I was alone and unable to move down there for the longest 10 minutes of my life. I don't remember my rescue, I must have blocked it out. There are photos of me being hosed down by my Auntie to remove them. No-one ran to hug the spider-child. Apparently I did not open my mouth, not even to eat or drink, for almost two days. I did not speak for a week, catatonic, but screamed in my sleep. No-one played in the barn again, not even the boys. I got over it, and maintain just a healthy mistrust of spiders. I don't like the hunch of their legs. But if I get a web stuck over my face..." (hahasnakes) * DOING ALRIGHT WITH THE BOYS - "Tell us what innocent things make you go pale, wobbly and send shivers down your spine"... I'd be interested to ask Gary Glitter that same question." (K2k6) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your stories about the kiddies. Either you love 'em or you hate 'em. Or in the case of Fred West - both. Tell us about the ankle-biters here: http://b3ta.com/questions/kids/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Trailer trash mugshots << If we believe the movies then we believe that all Americans are really good-looking. Wrong. This parade of rednecks and freaks could give Karen Matthews and her a family a run for their money. If we didn't have the rest of the newsletter to write, we'd still be clicking 'previous page' and going, "OMG" until we needed a wee wee so much that it hurt. http://mugshotdujour.com/ >> Maddie books? << Amused to find this selection of books on Amazon, the titles alone tell a rather dark little story: Maddie Tries to Be Good, Maddie in Hospital, Maddie in Danger and our favourite Maddie Surfs for Cyber-Pals. Wonder if they're still selling, or the authors are currently tearing their hair out at the unfortunate coincidence. We're looking forward to their next efforts, "Shannon buys some cigs from Iceland (they're 8p cheaper you know)." http://snipurl.com/we-have-found-maddie >> The world's most unlistenable song? << Research suggests that the most unappealing music includes kids singing, songs about Christmas and holidays, and of course opera. So what not try and combine them into an unholy cacophony? The irony is of course, the results are rather compelling. And sound like one of Malcolm McLaren's post-punk efforts - rapping opera? Didn't he do that in Madame Butterfly? A 25-minute endurance test for your iPod anyway. http://www.artsjournal.com/quickstudy/2008/04/yo_y... >> Disposal camera art project << Guy attaches a disposable camera to a bench for people to use and collects the film that evening - these are the results. Not the most exciting results, but the concept is so lovely that we feel compelled to tell you about it. Maybe you'd like to try this on your local tramp bench? http://theplug.net/28/strangerphotos.htm >> Steve Albini mega-thread << Music nerds might remember the name Albini, he famously produced Nirvana's In Utero and was flavour-of-the-month in the mid 90s. He's still recording, but he's also a massive poker fan and hangs out on poker forums shooting the shit with other card nerds, including this great 50 page+ thread where he answers peoples questions. Highlights include ragging on Liz Phair (getting her tits out to sell records), Billy Coogan (annoying people on the local scene) and Urge Overkill (not be able to play their instruments.) He's also passionate about tape vs digital and the recording process in general. Highly recommended reading to anyone interested in making music. BTW: The board deteriorates about halfway through, when external sites start linking to it and Steve starts refusing to answer except in haiku form. http://snipurl.com/steveblitherson ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Not containing leopards, this week or any week >> YouTube comments song << Entire track made up from comments solicited from YouTube users. A lyrical masterpiece, as you might expect. http://b3ta.com/links/A_entire_song_made_from_Yout... >> Cats: Engineer's guide << It's the monotone delivery that makes this deadpan guide to pet keeping so effective. http://www.b3ta.com/links/An_Engineers_Guide_to_Ca... >> High-tech Noon << Pretty much the original Gary Cooper film with a few small visual and audio effects added to tell the tale of a lone marshal vs a gang robot killers. We'd love to see this done with some other movies. When Harry Met Sally maybe. Hmm. Perhaps not. http://www.b3ta.com/links/High_Tech_Noon >> Cat playing a theramin << Aww. Bless the little kitty. She has no idea what's going on but hears the squealing and assumes she's chewing on something alive. http://www.b3ta.com/links/cat_playing_a_theramin >> Microsoft cod-Springsteen << Hard to say if this is authentic; it looks like a video for the MS sales team based on Bruce Springsteen's Dancing in the Dark. Simultaneously glossy, competently-made and lacking any sort of conviction whatsoever. http://snipurl.com/vistasong >> Burning shopping trolley robot << Yes, it's a trolley pushed by staggering robot legs that are wreathed in flame. What's most surprising is how few passers-by even take notice of what resembles a casualty of some futuristic automated battle. http://b3ta.com/links/179738 >> All about the Stylophone << Enthusiast Brett Domino explains the history and workings of the cult musical instrument. Entertaining tripe. http://snipurl.com/stylophonebastard ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER More dated 80s schoolyard lols * MAIL ON SUNDAY - Flo Rida, gangster rapper, rhyming for Middle England, in the best-named album since Beyonce did 'B-Day'. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mail_on_Sunday_%28alb... * PHALLIC LOGO AWARDS, LATE ENTRY - Nivan spooges, "A penis draws itself in front of you!?" Weirdly looks like it's about to come, but then the semen draws back into the shaft, as if expertly manipulated by Sting. * STOP SMOKING AIDS - we thought it gave you cancer. http://i28.tinypic.com/adkx3l.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Future Advertising Challenge Last week we wanted you predict the future of advertising. Your favourites included: * DYSON - everyone's favourite domestic cleaning company branch out into lady hygiene (dbroon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8275185 * TESCO - a terrifying glimpse into the future of b3ta, unwittingly revealing its corporate ambitions (Beejster) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8271577 * GILLETTE - it's only a matter of time (Wildyles) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8270304 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/advertising_future/ >> New challenge: The Beatles << They're the most iconic band of all time, and ripe for photoshopping. So that's the challenge. Simple. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/beatles/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * DARTH VADER QOTW BLOKE FAME - Terry Eden mechanically wheezes, "You may remember me as the rather silly boy who got married as Darth Vader. Thanks to the wonders of the Intertubes, our story got picked up by purveyors of tat extraordinaire, Full House Magazine! BTW: My wife would like it noted that she is 25, not 26." http://b3ta.com/questions/nerds/post127469 http://flickr.com/photos/edent/2413507665/sizes/l/ * STARBUCKS VS MCDONALDS, digignome vomits, "I maintain that McDonalds is still the clear winner, since one can buy four Double Cheeseburgers for the princely sum of £4.76 and consume a whopping 1,780 calories and 88g of fat (44g saturated). I can't find reliable prices for Starbucks, but their most calorific drink is apparently the "White Cocoa Breve w/Whip, Venti", at a fantastic 1070 calories. And I'll wager half a nut you can't buy two for a fiver. Another triumph for the Golden Arches." * SUPER TOASTER, our request for a toaster with bigger springs prompted JimM to burble, "Hello! You asked for toaster modifications, so here goes. I did it a few years ago." Hurrah. http://www.srimech.com/toaster/toaster.html * HIDING IMAGES IN AUDIO - our mention of this last week provoked a couple of members to attempt their own experiments, including B3ta jukebox favourites - Status Quo. http://www.b3ta.com/board/8285596 ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * PILLOW STAIN ANALYSIS - krang enquires, "You know when you change your pillowcase, and there are always brown-yellow stains on the pillows themselves - what are those stains? My girlfriend says that they're from when you spill tea when you're in bed, but I reckon they're some far more sinister residue made of a combination of snot, dribble, earwax and tears. Anyone have any empirical evidence on this? Anyone want to find out?" Our bet: it's all down to pillow-biting. * ATM FRAUD QUESTION - Sn0tters wonders, "Supposedly if your withdraw cash from an ATM and do not physically remove the cash then after a certain amount of time the cash is sucked back in to the machine and your account is not debited. Is it possible to get someone to try taking out, say £50 and then slide out the middle £20, leaving £30 to be sucked back in and then see if their account is not debited?" * PENIS SHADOWS - draw a cock on a lampshade to make a penis shadow for a wall. Maybe at your mum's house? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by chiff_chiff, Malchick, Walrus Man, Fishcat, rodmansell, nivan, qwghlm, and ali_way_2k. Random Proverb Generators by Happosai, Burton Earny, notenglishthankgod, hctc, Littlebuddy, Krog3r, akx, Canazza. Top Tippery by Jeccy. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Mastheadlols: ccc. Subjlols: Joe Scaramanga. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Increase office morale with a simple game. Wait until the person sitting next to you is paying attention to whatever they are doing, then sneakily try to remove something from their person. Carry on until the other person spots you and freaks. At this point, jump up and shout "BUCKAROO!" as loud as you can, much to the obvious delight of your work colleagues. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Police are investigating the bigger picture of Mark Speight's death. It was sent in by 11 year old Susie from Reading. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive