we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "ONLY 16 WANKING DAYS LEFT TO JIZZMAS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * AUTO SLASH FICTION - for your wanking pleasure * VEITCH - Does his anim thing for baby charity * GOATSE - Microsoft goatsed. Yay ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK A load of awesome stuff that you'll love >> Frank's Slash Fiction Generator << Just so we're on the same page here, slash fiction is basically short stories depicting graphic sex between famous or fictional characters. Gilgamesh has helpfully automated this process, with a randomly-selected gruesome celebrity duo. NSFW, like Barry Chuckle giving Stephen Hawking oral pleasure ever could be. "If you all hit the site at once," warns Gilga, "then it'll probably slow down and fall over." Tough shit. http://kineticnorth.com/slashmeup/ >> Tommy's 12 Days Of Christmas << Huzzah and indeed hurray for the beaming face of Joel Veitch. "I've made this charity song and video for Tommy's baby charity," he cries. "The important bit, though, is that we got loads of celebs to agree to be in it, including The Hoff!" Even better, the trumpet player in the vid is Ollie Gervais, Ricky Gervais's cat. Perhaps even better than that is that if you buy the mp3 it counts for the downloads chart, potentially propelling Joel to a Christmas number one. Bliney! http://www.rathergood.com/tommys/ >> Afrofly! game << Navigate the hirsute and increasingly girthy insect to eat all the pies. But can you make it back out again without touching the sides when you're bloated to maximum proportions. The reggae-style backing is rather jaunty too. Cheers, giftedweasel! http://www.experimentalgameplay.com/cm/g/118/AfroF... >> Your song. On a CD << "I'm ridiculously overdrawn," moans songsforeveryone. "I'm also incredibly frustrated by my lack of musical ability. Here is my attempt at marrying the two in some slightly desperate-sounding halfway house." And it could be yours to keep - in time for Christmas. http://snipurl.com/winitforasong >> Tasty Crispy Silkworms << We've already mentioned Last Night a DJ's Foodtube blog, where he tries out the more exotic end of Chinese cuisine. But this week he has gone the extra mile, tucking into a plate of moth larvae in one of Beijing's posher eateries. We fear for his health; please someone, send him some good, honest scotch eggs and Ginster's pasties. http://foodtube.livejournal.com/2390.html ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Body Modification We wanted to know how much metal you have had rammed through yourselves: http://b3ta.com/questions/bodymodification/ Here are three stories that don't involve rings stuck through penises: * SPONTANEOUS ORGASM "My first brush with piercing was at Uni with a "rock-chick" called Jo. She said that she had just had her "hood" pierced and that once that had healed, she was going to have her clit done, "but I'll have to wait for 6 weeks..." Cut to the following semester. Jo is about 4 rows diagonally down from me in a history lecture and people around her start looking at her and whispering at each other. Then the rest of the theatre start to hear her panting, then banging the desk, louder, and louder and faster and faster until she started screaming and spasming with a wall shaking orgasm. After a stunned silence we gave the rapidly-running-out-the-theatre Jo a standing ovation." (Catchag) * THE CHICKEN KING "You know in 'The Scorpion King' where The Rock is stabbed with a spear impregnated with scorpion venom and thereafter carries the blood of the scorpion within him? Well, I was cracking chicken bones to make a stock last week and a splinter of bone shot into my thumb. It went septic before I could pull it out with tweezers and now I am destined to always carry the blood of the chicken within me. Not a piercing, but who else out there is a Chicken King, eh? Who else?" (frankspencer) * ONE TIME, AT BAND CAMP "I wear five earrings in my right ear. Once during an orchestra concert I had 50-odd bars rest (a couple of minutes worth) and, being tired from lots of blowing, held my flute upright on my lap and leaned my weary head against it. Earrings and flute keys mingled. Try to move. Oh dear. Have to play solo line in x seconds and flute is stuck to ear. Shit, ouch, bastard thing. I did manage to yank it free in time, but at the price of a painful bleeding earlobe and wobbly G and G# keys." (Silverfin) And a big hello to The Togaboy who showed us a photo of his big dodgy toe, supposedly altered to look more 'normal': http://b3ta.com/questions/bodymodification/post673... >> This Week's Question << We'd like your stories of school trips. Have you almost caused a motorway pile up by wiggling your bare bum out the window? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/schooltrips/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Photoshopper or Serial Killer? << Ever looked at a flower and thought it looks a bit like a vagina? Orchids are the main offenders. Check these photoshops produced by some mentalist who should probably hang out with some real women sometime. http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/ >> Peculiar comments spam << This is a fairly dull news story about a pigeon cull, livened up by the great comments people have added to it, which get ever more bizarre as time goes on. The saga of Mrs Dallinger and the blue pills being one of the highlights. http://snipurl.com/pigeons >> "I goatsed Microsoft" << Regular readers will know all about goatse, the photo of a chap's distended anus, ripped asunder in the interests of trolling messageboards. We doff our collective arse to the man who managed to goatse the Microsoft website. We hope Bill gates is in a meeting right now, blanching at this particular bit of web-tom-foolery. http://snipurl.com/billgoatse ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Buy Xmas presents via Oxfam Despite appearances to the contrary this charming short video features an alpaca, and not a llama. The idea is that you'll watch it and be so utterly charmed you'll visit the Oxfam website and buy all your Christmas presents via them, and thereby donate to charity without really trying. Rock on. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : OBIT Wiz from Mega City Four "I'm not sure if this is suitable newsletter fare, but as you may have heard already, Wiz from Mega City Four sadly passed away yesterday. I've been running a Mega City Four fan site for years and Martin Gilks' brother contacted me to help put up a condolences page in a similar way to the one that was put in place when Martin died." We are extremely saddened to hear this news, and our thoughts are with his friends and family as we type. http://www.megacityfour.co.uk ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> If chat rooms were real? << Fantastic short film detailing what it would be like if web forums existed in the real world. Featuring creepy pedophiles and a fantastic pay-off that's worth watching the whole ten minutes for. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Disney's Story of Menstruation << Frankly the fact that this film exists is enough to make it interesting. Sadly not containing the seven dwarfs of the curse, Blobby, Grouchy, Bloaty, Weepy, Bleedy, Nottonightdarlingy & Iwantchocolatey, but entertainingly odd nonetheless. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Electronic Mule << If we had a gazillion quid, we'd pour all our cash into making robots that walk like horses, pigs and ferrets. Looks like these guys got there first. Cunts. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Selling Celibacy Challenge Last week we wanted to know how you'd sell chastity to the nation's youth. You did just that. Your favourites included: * DUREX - If only all smallprint were this accurate (The Great Architect) * KITTEN - Nice use of tragic yet fluffy image to quell libido. Family Planning people, take note (bilbobarneybobs) * CHILDREN - The stark reality of parenthood driven home in this bleak yet eloquent essay (Smallbrainfield) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/xxx/ >> New challenge: Global Warming << The ice-caps are melting, the ozone is screwed, and WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! This is what top scientists would have you believe, but what are the positive aspects of climate change? It can't be all bad, surely? http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/global_warming/ >> Your challenge ideas << The challenge works like this: you suggest an idea. Everyone else votes on the idea. The best ideas are selected, and the challenges set. Except that it doesn't quite work like that, now does it? Sometimes you don't suggest challenges. So the b3ta boffins sit down at one of their mysterious monthly meetings and come up with ideas which are used instead. But you don't like that, do you? You moan and you curse and you fret. So go on. Suggest a challenge. And encourage others to vote. Easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WIN BOOTY WITH B3TA Trample the weak, it's your chance to win >> War on Terror competition << Just a week after we pimped it up in the newsletter, here's a competition to win a copy of War on Terror - the Board Game. Why, you say? Because it's fantastic, because the guys who made it are our mates and because they gave us three copies to give away. To recap, it's a bit like Risk but reworked with terrorists and oil and it comes with an excellent rapist balaclava. You can win in on the action by completing the following phrase in 15 words or less: "George Bush is a..." If you can't be arsed to do that, why not buy one instead? http://snipurl.com/waronterrorcompo >> 8-bit scarves compo << A couple of weeks ago we went wild for the retro-game style scarves of Account88888 and offered you lucky readers the chance to win one. All you had to do was complete the phrase "I love 8-bit gaming because..." The winners: * ...I've never been called a n00b playing missile command… (soscynicalsohip) * 10 REM SCARF COMPETITION HACK FOR INFINATE WARMTH 20 POKE 0121,666 30 SYS 2059 RUN (monkeon) * I love 8-bit gaming because that's where I learned that men love a girl who’s a computer nerd… but not one who can beat them every time. So a scarf would keep me warm on all those victorious yet lonely nights. (onlythegirl) http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/11/24/retro-scarf-co... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * THRESHERS EXPOSE - if you're one of the 56 million people in the UK who got the 40% voucher then Necromentality has the scoop, "I work for an off licence that's name starts with Thr and ends in eshers. Apparently it's for staff and their families and got 'accidentally' leaked through e-mails. That's a load of bollocks, we got sent 3 times as much stock as usual and basically it's a publicity stunt, and making us a bundle." There you go, consumer news. Aren't we fab? * WHY DO MEN HAVE NIPPLES - Guy Leonard informs, "An amusing read. If you don't it's [here comes the science bit] because women have nipples. As all foetuses are inherently female it is a secondary characteristic. Women have clitori for the same reason - i.e. men need to orgasm for sex; there is no evolutionary necessity for women to do the same! ;) Though some would disagree. Which I couldn't find a link to on the web but have put up my scanned copy here." Cheers for that, we feel suitably knowledgeable about boy-ducts now. Yay. http://snipurl.com/welovenips ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SPECIAL BREW VIDEO MASH - we're loving the current Irn Bru ad that takes Raymond Briggs' The Snowman and re-purposes it to sell Scottish orange gunk. Why don't you re-sing the ad with Special Brew? And motion track a tin can over it? It would be aces, we're telling you, utterly aces. http://www.youtube.com/watch * GOOGLE EARTH TORNADO SIMULATOR - a lovely little mash up where you can remover your neighbours' roof using the awesome power of your mouse. * MOTTO-LOTTO - we notice Alex Tew of MillionDollarHomepage has a new site out based upon a lotto idea. We thought we'd mention our one which never got round to making. Basically we wanted people to think up proper nouns (say Birmingham) and slogans, (ooh, maybe, "it's not shit") and users vote on the best slogan. Half the adsense profits go into a week prize for the highest voted motto. Good eh? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Extra proofing l33t skillz by Alex Morris. Stuff sent in by Your mum, Disney Corp, Sophie Ellis-Bextor and her magic muff of destiny, Barry White, Scooby Doo and Hilter. Top Tippery by Jeccy. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Nuff respec to b4ta homeys. (5) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Want to skip Jury Duty? Under Ethnic Origin on the form sign it as "I'm not a nig nog". next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive