we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "8===W=) IS ASCII FOR WANKING" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Peter Cook as a PG Tips chimp * ANIM - Diana's life in 10 seconds * PHOTOS - Shite tattoos ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Derek & Clive chimps << It's the classic Peter Cooke and Dudley Moore sketch about Jayne Seymour's bum-lobsters, but dubbed onto chimps by CCC. It's great, like the ad campaign PG Tips should have run... NSFW if you object to monkeys saying "fuck." http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Diana in ten seconds << Mushybees proudly presents the sequel to his 'ten second Kurt Cobain' animation, which caused a certain amount of net controversy with Nirvana who thought he was "lame". This time, he's out to alienate the Elton John fans and Mohammed al-Fayed. Here's hoping for another one with George Best. Or even better, with Pete Doherty (to spell it out, we wish him dead). http://www.b3ta.com/links/11163 >> Who's your favourite dictator << Psythot wrote to a number of UK celebrities, asking "Who is your favourite 20th century dictator?" He did it in the hopes of getting some sort of 'Carol Vordeman loves Hitler' revelation, but in the absence of that, a few interesting answers. He also wrote to all UKIP MPs asking what their least-favourite jelly baby is, hoping at least one would confess to 'not liking blacks.' http://jamesomalley.co.uk/blog/ ------------------------------------------------- : CONVERSATION STARTERS (old people, read this) Britain has gone to the dogs * Over two thirds of Britons having read the Da Vinci Code believe that Jesus fathered a child. We despair, it's a work of fiction for fucks sake. * Shane Ritchie and Vinnie Jones are to star in the 32nd Carry On film, Carry On London. Hell's bells, this sounds shit doesn't it? * Heinz is releasing a readymade beans-on -toast sandwich, similar to pop-tarts. As if Pot Noodle being voted the most hated brand ever wasn't enough. ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Crazy Russian dancing guy Those Russkies. Not content with ruling half of Eastern Europe with an Iron fist, they've used their technological might to upgrade the humble peasant into a dancing electronic monkey, cavorting for the amusement of the decadent West. Watch it before Gorbachev has it removed from the airwaves. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Putting the Fun in Funeral We wanted your funeral stories: http://b3ta.com/questions/funerals/ Follow the link for the extraordinary lengths Felidae had to go to to scatter the ashes of a friend's horse, but in the meantime these three amused us greatly: * Angel Cussed "Ben, one of my best friends, died very suddenly towards the end of last year. He was an amazing guy, and the funeral was attended by a multitude of people, all from different lives. Ben had that effect on most people that he met - everyone there felt proud to have been his friend. Ben's sister was saying a few words in front of everyone; God knows how she did it. I, like most people there, was in absolutely no state to even string together a sentence. Ben's niece, a very cute girl of about 5, was there wearing her favourite fairy suit with wings. Seeing her mum so upset, but not really understanding what was happening, she went to give her mum a hug. As she was lifted up, she found herself in front of hundreds of adults, all of whom were in some sort of state. She raised her head up, slowly looked at us all, then very clearly said: 'Fuck'" (geegee) * Coffins "I went out with a girl who worked for a funeral home, and fairly early into the whole dating thing, she told me that since I'm so tall, I should think about starting a fund to pay for my custom coffin, as I won't fit in a standard one. The relationship didn't last." (mikewicked) * A message from beyond "Dad had died and his coffin was brought back to the house so people could pay their last respects. The close family are gathered around the coffin in the dining room. My brother-in-law tactfully softened the lighting ready for the candles to be brought out. No-one could say anything. Eventually my brother found the courage to ask "do you think he's up there looking down on us?" a tremble in his voice. Tears welled in my eyes. My sister remained silent. All eyes turned to the coffin. And then, amazingly, the lights became incredibly, fiercely bright. In a split second the room was then pitched into absolute darkness. Silence. Then the lights slowly returned to their previous softness. Mum hopefully looked up to the heavens for another impossible sign from my dear, deceased father. Then my brother in-law, with real fear in his voice, announced: 'Sorry everyone... I just leant on the dimmer switch.'" (Error 404 - Username Unknown) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us about the worst nicknames you've heard: http://b3ta.com/questions/worstnicknamesever/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Bad tattoos << As sure as milk is stinky and cigarettes give you cancer, bad tattoos are always an internet crowd pleaser. We almost didn't bother clicking this link as it seemed such old hat, but we did and, Jesus cocking Christ we loved it. What kind of fucktard gets Jacko fruiting up Macaulay Culkin inked on their leg? Or a casino website address on their forehead? Or Pee-wee Herman on their arm? We tried cracking one out but our collective cocks went limp. Possibly it was the Anne Robinson tattoos on our forearms. She winks as we flex, putting us off out stroke in a disturbingly knowing fashion. http://www.capohedz.com/typebrighter/2005/10/reall... >> Hooray for wanking babies! << We just wrote that title to set off the peado filters in your office email. They are coming for you now, so settle down and make sure you have some quite innocent material on your screen, such as the this wedding photographer's portfolio which feature's a close up of a toddler wanking someone off. 2nd row down, far left. Ok, it's only a finger, but that's how it all started for official B3ta nonce Ian Huntley. http://www.chrischambersphotography.co.uk/portrait... >> Buy life size Alien << Our favourite bit of the Alien film was when Sigourney Weaver shags Rick Moranis and they turn into dogs. Oh bollocks, that was Gorillas in the Mist. Ermm, oh fuck it, check this eBay auction anyway. http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll >> Sound that makes you shit << "My friend Donal", boasts David, "is trying to create 'The Brown Note' from south park; a noise that makes the listener shit themselves. Normal speakers can't recreate the noise, so he's going to use the sound system at the music venue he works at..." Woo. We hope he succeeds. Sonic Weaponry is the new kittens for 2006. Word. http://mediawhoredomfordummies.blogspot.com/2006/0... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Helping Youtube spend $1m on bandwidth per month >> Cycling dog << Most dogs barely manage with four legs, so it's all the more impressive that this one can cycle sedately on a trip to the shops. Still looks fucking stupid though. http://snipurl.com/barkingmad >> Swearing grandma << Your license fee money at work - the BBC has taken an innocent old lady and taught her how to say rude words. At least, that's what we presume to be the case. Old folks don't really know any bad words, do they? http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php >> Gay mountaineer << Nice bit of Freudian slippery from this news presenter - man manages to climb mountain despite being gay. Spoiler: He isn't really gay. http://www.hedonistica.com/media.php >> Ukulele Nirvana << Great to see a big bunch of ukulele-wielding suits rocking out to 'Smells Like Teen Spirit'. It's an appearance by the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain on a past Jools Holland show and they kick arse. http://www.b3ta.com/links/10932 >> 10 Commandments spoof trailer << These movie mash-ups are getting kind of old now, but this high-school comedy remix of the deMille classic still had us chuckling. Particularly nice addition of Samuel L. Jackson as 'Principal Firebush.' http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Baby Chinchilla Awww. Fact fans may note that chinchillas have the softest fur of any animal alive, so that makes this little baby one all the more cuddlesome. At least, we assume it's a baby from the size of its head. Perhaps it's some sort of super-brained mutant chinchilla, ready to use its preternatural rodent intelligence to secure a menial job in Greggs Pastry or something? A fearful prospect indeed. http://www.empireonline.com/forum/tm.asp ------------------------------------------------- : KNOWING MARKETING Arse sacks and sexy marsupials >> Anus bags << Chris M caught a shot of this trendy backpack while on holiday in South Africa. Brings a new meaning to the term bumbag... http://snipurl.com/spunkybackpack >> Naughty sculpture << "Kangawary or cassoroo?" asks Emadex. "Outside of the ‘Australis Art Gallery’ near my hometown are three sculptures of an emu, a cassowary and a kangaroo..." But if you look at it from a different angle, they appear to be enjoying frisky copper animal sex-fun. http://static.flickr.com/53/147529322_f2319c675d.j... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Po-lol-otics, Droitwich, Cocks & Guinea-pigs >> B3ta party political broadcast << Czech correspondent Triffid sends us news that the right-wing Unie Svobody is using B3ta as an example of all that's wrong with the world. Check out their TV ad spot, which features a fart-igniting character: none other than our own Mr Sheep, in a b3ta t-shirt, no less. The text is warning people that this is what they'll get if they fail to vote. http://webtv.idnes.cz/ And fuck it, we don't normally give two links for one item, but Sheep's rather special and his site's great. http://sheepfilms.co.uk/ >> Droitwich rocks! << Piss-poor tribute to the hometown of Team Fishcake. They've turned their hand to tourist information and created a fist- in-the-air rock anthem accompanied by an unimpressive montage of the quaint/dreary Worcestershire town. Coming soon to a Post Office near you... http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk/article.php >> Cock cake << Orangeboy and Veet clearly had a lot of fun making this phallic cake for a mate's birthday. Mmm. Naughty but nice. Loving the soft-focus touch in the later photos. Vaseline on the lens? http://homepage.mac.com/swain/rapidweaver/page2/pa... >> "I ate guinea-pig" << I travelled the world, I ate lots of food and this was the most interesting dinner," grunts Pickup Stix. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD: It's a roasted guinea pig - Peru's national dish. It was about a foot long. So maybe a rat. It didn't have much meat on it or taste for that matter, but the tiny scrapings we ate were horrible and pink, like turkey leg dipped in death." http://snipurl.com/flickmybean ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Banner Ad Challenge Last week we wanted you to save the online advertising industry and reinvent the banner ad. And you did so. Our favourites included: * STOP GOATSE - brilliant use of the web's most infamous shock image. Agencies, pay attention: a new advertising technique has arrived. (the hedgehog) * SHOOT THE iPOD - Another lesson here for the creative agencies: give us the prizes we want. And we want ducks. (SolidGoldChimp) * TESCO VALUE - It's about time those shoddy blue and white stripes found their way to the web. (Afinkawan) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/banners/ >> New challenge: Ultra-Minority Magazines << There's a magazine for everything nowadays, but there must be some minority interests that aren't yet catered for. What would the covers look like? Challenge suggested by Sponge Monkey. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/magazines/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SHIT TOP TIPS - We wish to apologise about the rubbishness of last week's tip. Many of you wrote in to complain that it was complete horse-shit. Including Stu who writes, "Drink milk my arse! An old mate of mine that used to be in the merchant navy told me that rum is what they used to drink to prevent sickness from diesel fumes." * BETTER THAN SEX - Last week we asked you to find a search term on Googletrends that scored higher than sex. About 10 of your wrote in to say "What would people want more than sex? Free stuff" And yep, 'free' does score higher than sex. Oddly enough, the top three cities to search for free are all in India, followed by Birmingham. Others wrote in to mention that 'the', 'video', 'google' and 'and' also score rather highly. http://snipurl.com/googlemytits * NANDOS COCK - Last week we observed that the Nando's logo looks like a chicken presenting its enlarged, heart-shaped arse-hole. Ouermyhte points out that "the Nando's logo is also a dingbat for 'loves the cock'" Heh. * PISS GAMES - jakeshort spurts, "We used to play a game at Uni in Leeds. You had to run backwards over the bridge that crossed the inner ring road without breaking your continuous stream of piss." Mmmmn, yellow trainers. * BBC PHOTOSHOPPING - the Beeb recently held its own image challenge and, by the looks of it, it was almost entirely entered by B3tards. Go team! http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Google game Can you guess the search phrase from the page of results returned by Google? Kept us busy for 10 minutes anyway. http://gwigle.varten.net/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * PETE's NOT MAD - cynical Endemol producers have included a bloke with Tourette's syndrome in this years Big Brother. Why not edit together all his swears to made a interactive video swearing machine? * SHOW-US-YOUR-TITS-AND-WE'LL-LISTEN -TO-YOU-MOANING-ABOUT-YOUR-JOB.COM Gets to the heart of the gender divide we think. * ELEPHANT-MOUTH-OR-CUNT.COM - a quiz to tell if you can spot the difference. Don't know what we're on about? Do a Google image search for 'elephant mouth' and see. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by humpthefamilypet, mithraea, eggy woof, The Penguin Shaman & rhcpaul. Top Tippery by Me. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Word to b4ta. (108840 - 35077) ------------------------------------------------- TIP: Prevent sneezing by pressing you index finger firmly between your nose and your upper lip. ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK "Same shit different day? Stop being a wage slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs, your boss fears us!" http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_may19/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive