we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 149: "WE'RE B3TA. IT'S FRIDAY. LET'S ROCK" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUESTION - Your vomit stories * CLOCKS - Time redefined * CUTENESS - Things that make you go ahhh special ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Petting zoo << Eclectech's silky animation skills are turned to evil, enhancing and beautifying this delightful song to the joys of bestiality. Love the prancing cow and the sinister wigs. Musicmeisters Doghorse and MissPrism must also take a share of blame. http://eclectech.co.uk/pettingzoo.php >> Hex Clock << This week Rob has been redefining time. He reckons that there should be 32 hours in a day, and 64 minutes in an hour. He's even prepared to sell you a clock to prove his point. Convert to hex time now, don't get caught in the rush. http://www2.b3ta.com/hexclock/ >> Revenge of the sheep << Matazone has been mixing up Marxism and fairy stories in his new web toon. He's a Northerner - they do that up there. Hang in there for the cinematic ending. http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/brother_black_... >> Baby squirrel << Okay, Hairy Midget didn't actually make this tiny tree rat, but he did find it and is looking after it like it was his own. Bless. http://www.b3ta.com/board/3625997 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Back by popular demand! Last week we asked you to tell us your tales of chunder-related mayhem. You answered with hundreds of heavesome anecdotes. We particularly liked the story of the girl who wakes up after an extremely heavy night out, hazily recalling throwing up into the nearest receptacle, but is unable to find any trace whatsoever. Moments later, the phone rings. It's her sister. She has just opened her handbag. And she is very, very angry. Similarly entertaining is the unfortunate child poisoned by the dodgy water supply on a boating holiday. Unable to keep down his food, he skillfully chunders through the window of a passing barge, straight into the lap of an unsuspecting holiday maker. Or board-member Kayozz, who breaks down the door of his girlfriend's parents' bathroom, and lets loose an uncontrolled flood of beer-induced barf all over the room. And all over his girlfriend's father, who is sat on the toilet reading the paper. You can peruse the rest of the frankly stomach-churning answers here: http://b3ta.com/questions/vomit/ Thanks to everyone who contributed. Especially the primary school kid who threw up through a recorder. Impressive. >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us about the times you've injured yourself but were somewhat reluctant to explain how you'd managed it. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/embarrassinginjuries/ ------------------------------------------------- : CRAP JINGLES Named and shamed Clearly one of the salesmen at the Scarborough Hyundai dealership harbours dreams of being a gay disco producer. That has to be the most plausible for this preposterously groovy jingle. It's remarkably similar to Jennifer Paige's 1999 hit Crush. Maybe she's down on her luck these days. http://www.hyundai-approved.co.uk/scarborough/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Look at these photos carefully << "Last week I drove to a nearby town. The town is surrounded by tall hills and mountains, and you can have a very pleasant hike down any of the numerous trails there. Anyway, I was climbing one trail and enjoying the good weather when I saw what looked like a silver box. When I approached, I saw it was a digital camera!" writes a mysterious messageboard poster. Possibly a viral thingie for a game but we greatly enjoyed examining these photos. http://www.gtaforums.com/index.php >> Male Madonna tribute << It's a Madonna tribute band, but what makes this good is the amazing Flash intro. For some reason, though, it looks quite gay. http://www.mandonna.com/ >> Plastic man bits << You wouldn't want doctors training on real bottoms, but at the same time these plastic, medical bums and willies look like a Girl's World for Dennis Nielsen. http://www.tecnoedu.com/ModelosCyQ/mptr.htm >> Sexy Professor Snape << Readers of Harry Potter will be surprised by the homoerotic undertones of setting clips of Alan Rickman to Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy. Made us giggle anyway. http://www.potterpuppetpals.com/sexy.swf >> Planet of the Twilight Zone << We used to think the best fan-art ever created was when someone spliced the shonky rubber dinosaurs from Doctor Who's Invasion Of The Dinosaurs into Jurassic Park. We were wrong. This is so smart: They've mixed up The Twilight Zone and Planet of the Apes to great effect. Could video mashup be the new bootleg scene of 2005? http://theforbidden-zone.com/media/tzone.shtml >> Stupid Olympic pictures << It's annoying when someone takes a photo of you at the wrong moment and makes you look like a spacker. This is a collection of those shots from sporting events. Looks like they've photographed the special Olympics. http://leenks.com/pics/ >> Nerd tattoos << If people can't guess you're a geek from your bad teeth, glasses and beard, why not make it really obvious? Permanently mark your skin with the version number of your favourite operating system. http://www.bmezine.com/news/pubring/20040720.html >> Beckham's wrist brain << Lots of celebrities get lucrative advertising deals in Japan, where they think their UK fans won't see. Here's nut-obsessed David Beckham trying to endorse some sweets. We like the fact that the thoughts seem to be emanating from his wrist, while his face gazes on, blissfully oblivious. http://open.meiji.co.jp/sweets/chocolate/almond/p/ >> 'Kick my balls' << Our hands instinctively reached for our cocks as we read this tutorial on how to inflict pain on your own testicles. The author is well-informed, as he loves hurting himself this way. Personally, we're more into hurting other people this way. http://www.callnetuk.com/home/busted/men4.htm ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Teddy bears, Weebl, AIDS and Kittens >> Teddy bears in a hot air balloon << A senses-shattering team-up because YOU demanded it. Well, perhaps you didn't demand, but you wanted it: Rob and Joel team up to bring you the rage-filled story of a balloon full of teddy bears. http://www.youthofbritain.com/balloony/ >> New Weebl << Fans of Jonti's anarchist jams characters are in for a treat this week, with a story telling the stirring tale of their ambitious rock and roll career. It's even odder than usual. http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/band.htm >> They died of Aids - Amazon list << Rob has been amusing himself by sticking up inappropriate lists on Amazon. This one celebrates artists who've died from the Aids, from Timothy Claypole of Rent-a-ghost to Issac Asimov. Will Amazon remove it? Find out next week... http://snipurl.com/amazon_aids >> Clicky kittens << Pippy excitedly writes, "I made this silly flash movie based on Mystery Bob's rendition of the Steptoe and Son theme." Not a lot going on here, but it's sweet and melted our cold, stony hearts for just a few precious moments. http://pip.rubberfeet.org/stuff/toe.html ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Three-way cuteness action >> Baby skunk<< You don't think skunks are cute. Think again, skunk-haters. This sweet skunk-child will show you the way to fluffy nirvana. http://www.livejournal.com/users/crushedglass/1141... >> Bewildered beechmarten << We don't know what a beechmarten is, and from the look on his face neither does he. But we don't care - he's beautiful. http://www.pbase.com/image/16760454 >> Animal friends << Friendships between creatures that should be trying to eat each other are a lovely metaphor for racial harmony. Like Ebony and Ivory where Stevie Wonder is a leopard. http://letsbefriends.blogspot.com/ BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO Stormtrooper wedding What every girl dreams of: A white wedding, with a massive entourage of Star Wars stormtroopers. From the looks of things she's resigned to being the bride of Vader. http://www.goldengategarrison.com/gallery/calkinsw... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Illustrated Spam Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Two weeks ago, we wanted you to make pictures based on the subject lines from your spam: http://b3ta.com/challenge/illustratedspam/ We asked B3ta boarder 'Gracielou' to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves. Gracielou writes - "This week we are handing out the Special Olympic medals. Winners, please refrain from dribbling on yourselves in spacky joy... #1 "Amateur Housewife - Idid's "Amateur Housewife" is beautifully done and made me giggle. Very nice stuff, have a gold medal. (Idid) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3632782 #2 "Why go to the doctor? - For the silver, doctorwhen asks "Why go to the doctor when you can get it online?" Why? Because the internet is for pornography, not surgery. (doctorwhen) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3631817 #3 "Teen Girls Moan 4 U! - The Rev. A-MOL gets the bronze for this very simple but well done entry." (Rev. A-MOL) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3621650 An honourable mention goes to Hankster's entry, "Your Penis Will Be Thicker And Fuller." It made me laugh, but I'm all out of medals so have a gay leaf hat instead. http://www.b3ta.com/board/3627918 Results from the Real Magic Challenge Last week we wanted you to show us what it would be like if magic was real: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ifmagicwasreal/ We asked B3ta boarder 'Steve-Dave' to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Steve-Dave writes - #1 "Getting changed - What more could you ask for? A fantastic trick, a man in a neat suit and a slapstick payoff. This one is really something special.(Sheep!) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3654920 #2 "Now that's what I call magic! - In a sea of Paul Daniels themed entries, this one stood out and simply made me snigger. A lot. (Haku) http://b3ta.com/board/3650318 #3 "Behold! - An obvious case of the perfect source image, I could stare, mesmerised, at munkt0n's cheesy balls for hours!" (munkt0n) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3649584 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, our blessed Challenge Dictator ordered us to do, "Celebrity Sex Change" http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebritysexchange/ ------------------------------------------------- : STUFF WE'VE LEARNED FROM WIKIPEDIA The symbols that denoted classes of prisoners in Nazi concentration camps were all based around triangles. Lesbians wore little black triangles. Like a stylised representation of minge. And they say Germans have no sense of humour. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * HUMAN ZOO IN THE NEWS - Our sensational expose of resplendently bespectacled Harrow councillor Eileen Kinnear has sent shockwaves ricocheting through the media. Watch out http://www2.b3ta.com/clippings/humanzoo.jpg * INVISIBLE MOUSE GAME CHEAT - Applejuice writes in with a way of beating the hidden mouse pointer game. "You simply have to go to the Windows mouse properties thing, and make it show the location of the pointer by pressing control. That is, if you suck." * BIKES AGAINST BUSH ARREST - We said he was great and now he's in prison. That's the famous b3ta effect. http://nyc.indymedia.org/newswire/display/105740/i... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Bathroom tile angle madness It doesn't sound promising, but this 'link the squares' game will keep you puzz-niks out there happy for hours. It's chicken soup for the brain. http://web6.midworld.luxadmin.org/game.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * KURDS FOR NERDS - a matchmaking site that pairs desperate asylum seekers with socially inadequate computer experts in wedded bliss. * DRUG OLYMPICS - There should be two events, one for those who do it clean and one for those who want to prove how far the body can push itself with chemical help. * INTERSEX TRIBUTE BANDS - After Mandonna, we'd like to see b3ta people forming groups like Boyah Wilcox, Him Wilde and Maniah Carey. * BLUE CHEWIT SHIT EXPERIMENT - Would eating nothing but blue Chewits for a week produce blue shit? Please try it and let us know with a tip-top photojournalism. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by projectevil and others who we lost. Sorry. Top Tippery by garfi3ld Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the b4ta. With love. (78594) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If you have to change a light bulb where the glass is broken, press a potato into the metal base to unscrew the remains of the bulb from the fixture. For extra fun, don't turn the power off. Remember kids: Potatoes don't conduct electricity. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive