we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 146: "DOGS IN PANTS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PICS - B3ta zoo * VID - When Kilroy attacks * ANIM - Kung-fu Weebl ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > B3ta Zoo << Long term readers know that our boarders like nothing better than making new animals. Inwits has been collecting these creations and giving them a place to live. There's some entertaining browsing to be had here. http://b3tazoo.dyndns.org/b3ta/zoo/ >> Mocking Robert Kilroy-Silk << Ok, for our international readers here's some background: Grannies' favourite Kilroy used to present a daytime television confessional talk show. After being booted off the BBC following controversial remarks about Arabs, he's now promoting himself as a right-wing politician. This is where Mystery Bob comes in with his "bit of mischief." Simply by adding a few scenes from a DVD to an opportunistic URL, Bob makes his point very clear. http://www.ukindependence.org/ >> Circle Line party << "The lovely Spacehijackers are having another Circle Line Party this Friday, the 6th of Aug," writes rock_a_my_soul, "Last year's one got a mention on B3ta which helped make it a huge and fantastical event. Please come." So if you're knocking about London and fancy meeting some random people - give it a shot. http://spacehijackers.co.uk/clp3/ ------------------------------------------------- : THREE FACTS ABOUT PHONES To bore your mates with down the pub * When French telephone companies introduced itemised billing, it revealed so much marital infidelity that male customers won a legal appeal to replace the last four numbers on a bill with asterisks. * The first car-phone was invented by Mr. Ericsson, who put a big metal pole on top of his car, so he could make calls by driving into telephone wires. * The origin of the word 'taxing' to mean thieving came from the chavs. If a povvo steals a yuppie's mobile phone, then that is a tax on the rich. D'ye see? These facts craftily cribbed from "A Brief History of the Mobile Phone", which we read while sheltering in Waterstone's from that big, scary storm on Tuesday. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/184046419... ------------------------------------------------- : CRAP JINGLES Named and shamed On entering some web-pages a small audio sting is played - presumably because the site creators have confused web design with making TV adverts. However, as visitors to the famous "I Love Horses" site know - there is a certain joy in crappy web jingles. Our current favourite is for Meat Shakes - yep that's right: Drinks made of meat. http://www.meatshake.com/mobile.html BTW: We'd like to run this as a regular spot so if you've heard a crappy jingle recently then get in touch. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Porn - for the blind << "It's porn for the blind," intones Zog, "Yes, it's porn. No, it's not safe for work. Make sure you rollover with your mouse." It's the deadpan delivery of an old gag that's making us grin here. http://slackcrew.com/Blood_PuP/docs/blind_porn.htm... >> Rape. Birth. Work. Death. << When we're not giggling at penguins slipping on ice we'll settle for a bit of misanthropy and nihilism. Frankly, if we weren't so old and cranky we'd be cutting 4-real into our arm with razor blades after watching this dark little pop video. Shame the song sucks, but you won't notice as the story is so compelling. http://koti.mbnet.fi/reagan/lodger/ilove.html >> Upside-down map << Australian Stuart McArthur drew his first upside- down map in 1970. Why? Well, why should Europe be at the top anyway? His teacher told him to re-do his assignment if he wanted to pass. 40 odd years later and he's sold 350,000 copies of the buggers. http://www.flourish.org/upsidedownmap/ >> Cat yoga << Yoga is so last century. The cool kids now exercise by locking themselves in toilets and tantric foot-wanking. But there's still those flying the flag for yoga - and trying to seduce the fad-hungry populace back to the old school. Now with cats. http://www.yogakitty.com/yogavideos.html >> Japanese fag warnings << Smoking is great. It's a natural contraceptive: it lowers your fertility and makes people less likely to kiss you. Thank the fantastical Japanese for this strangely abstract guide to smoking etiquette. http://www.jti.co.jp/JTI/manner_kokoku/kizuki/inde... >> Other people's photos << There's a new game on the web: using your P2P package to find personal photos accidentally shared by users and er.. showing the world. There's some mind-boggling stuff here for everyone - casual B3ta readers will enjoy the arbitrary and often humorous voyeurism, the hardcore will find much inspiration for photoshopping. http://www.10eastern.com/foundphotos.html >> Goatse cover-shot << "I saw this magazine at the local organic food shop," rasps giant_squid, "and it reminded me of goatse. What do you think?" Hmm. We think it's too close to be an accident. Although, disconcertingly, the angle of the hands means any viewer is actually standing quite some distance up goatse man's bum-hole. Gah. http://www.theecologist.org/ >> Kiss dog-farts goodbye << Rocky the B3ta cat has a horrid stinky anus, causing much debate whether we should fit him with pants. Weighing it up, we decided no, on the basis he'd just crap in them and walk about with half a turd trailing in his anal wake. Imagine our surprise when we found that there's a company prepared to sell a product not dissimilar to our conversational whimsy. Er... but it's for dogs and it also deodorises flatulence. http://www.flat-d.com/thong.html >> Yokohama demolition song << Nice little story about a tiny Japanese demolition company. They made a catchy corporate jingle to promote their business. It became more popular than they could ever have anticipated and they had to release it as a single to meet the frenzied demand from punk teenagers. Yay. http://www.japantimes.com/cgi-bin/getarticle.pl5 >> Ginger Sunday at London Zoo << Being a ginger is a blessing and a curse: people remember you, but standing out in a crowd makes a life of petty crime tricky without a wig. Celebrate gingerness, and the birth of ginger monkeys with this two-for-one offer on visiting London Zoo. http://www.gingersunday.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : GOOD AND BAD Stuff this week which is er.. good or bad >> GOOD: Jokes back on ice lolly sticks << Hooray. That's writing the newsletter sorted for next couple of years. >> BAD: Daleks back in Doctor Who << There hasn't been a good Dalek story since the 1960s. Why should it be different now? >> GOOD: DoubleClick hit by DDoS attack << Banner ad scumbags deserve all that they get. Bring it on. >> BAD: Dr Gillian McKeith fake diploma << We'd been planning to sell B3ta Photoshopping and Viral PhDs for £1000 a pop. The bad press for "online degrees" has set us back years. >> GOOD: Big Brother ending today << Now we can sit on the Tube without hearing people blithering on about the contestants. ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO Status Quo Tattoo We can only speculate without insight what possesses a man to have all the band members, past and present, of Status Quo tattooed on his back. Is it love for the songs? Nostalgia for simpler times? Or simply mental illness? Whatever the reason - we love that he's chosen to feature little-known bassist Rhino rather more prominently than the more famous Francis Rossi or Rick Parfitt. http://mustangprint.com.au/websites/statoos/hans/b... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Umpire, Kung-Fu, Diana >> Simon and Garfunkel tennis << "I've made a tennis game," writes Barney, "where you who get to play the umpire." Well, this is an unusual approach to Flash gaming but the simple absurdity made us grin. http://www.donderevo.com/games/tennis.html >> Weebl flips out ninja-style << Jonti enjoys crappy martial arts films with a passion. Now he's ready to spill his love all over your computer screen. But you'd probably rather just watch this excellent kung-fu episode of Weebl & Bob. http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/kungfu.htm >> Diana death clock << "I was on cafepress trying to create the tackiest clock ever," muses ginger fuhrer Rob Manuel. "For my wall at B3ta HQ. I made one based on the life-story of Princess Diana - you can't sink much lower than that. To my surprise, it's actually selling rather well. Just take a look - who on Earth is buying them?" http://www.cafeshops.com/princessdiana.12699788 ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Tiger nurses piglets Have you ever wanked off a duck? Us neither. Here's a charming picture of a tiger and her brood of piglets (adopted). It's small compensation, we know. http://flatrock.org.nz/topics/animals/holy_cow.htm#adopt BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 'Rhyming Photoshops' Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted things that rhyme: http://b3ta.com/challenge/rhymingphotoshops/ We asked B3ta boarder 'not_real' to judge the entries - here are his faves. not_real writes - #1 "Speak and spell deluxe - Probably the most original entry in the competition, and damn funny too. Award yourself a gold star, sir! (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3553619 #2 "The Pope - Holy crap, (ahem) what a picture! There were quite a few papal entries in this competition, but this one stands out by a mile. Plus, the expression on his face at the 'He's dope!' part makes me laugh every time (oldgreyhouse) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3534363 #3 "Parappa The Rapper - In a crapper. With a slapper. In Aiya Napa. ? Absolutely superb, wins points for excellent slapper picture and use of Parappa the Rapper (Neth) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3530827 "If I'm allowed an honourable mention, it'd have to be Ravenous Bugblatter Beast's 'badly drawn knob' animation, for the most poetic use of a crudely-drawn cock I have ever seen! http://www.b3ta.com/board/3555631 >> This Week's Challenge << This week The Challenge Dictator demanded we should Photoshop, "What Superheros do on their day off" http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/superherodayoff/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * ROB, JOEL & WEEBL PHOTOGRAPHS - Belgian newsletter reader Lionel Samain asked if could come and take photos of some key b3ta people for a magazine profile. Sadly the handsome and beautiful Cal & Denise were out the country so he made do with this motley crew. http://www.griffe.be/clients/lionelsamain/bookweb-... * RESTAURANT GAMES TO PLAY - a couple of weeks back we asking you to enliven our eating experiences. Badgerbill writes, "I like playing 'knifey, forky, spoony'. The rules are simple; someone shouts 'knifey, forky, spoony' and as he finishes this everybody holds up one of the aforementioned pieces of cutlery. Those in the minority have to take a drink." Fantastic. We can't wait to play it down the Ivy. * MORE JOBS FOR B3TA PEOPLE - Mushybees writes "I got a cracking illustration job this morning, and they found me via b3ta. So, thank you very much mister for creating the site. I now feel compelled to finally donate. As they say in America....you the man!" ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * AQUICKPISS.COM - a guide to finding good places for a slash without braving "peeing in a pub without buying a drink." BTW: We recommend the 4th floor at Piccadilly Waterstone's. * SECRETCASHPOINTS.COM - sod queuing for central London cashpoints. Where are the sneaky ones that no one uses? Like the one in the currency exchange place on Oxford Street. * TOP TIP TESTING - the more stupidly scientific the better. Read some of the old newsletters, there's loads to have a go on. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by Jazz_potato, jolajolajola, tetsuwan_jan, onelostsoulonefishbowl, cronoprouk & joel. Top Tippery by Dan Additional linkage by Fraser "blobjam" Lewry. Board research by Fnordinary World. Image challenge handled by Blistery Mob. Proofing by the ginger b4ta monkeys. (77794) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If your in-ear headphones have gone a bit crackly lately, perhaps they've got wrinkled cones. To straighten them out, give each bud a quick suck and they should pop into place as easy as pie. Not recommended if you share headphones with your wax-ridden mates. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive