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   NEWSLETTER: "LIKE IF YOU LIKE SEEING NUMBERS GOING UP NEXT TO A SMALL
   HEART-SHAPED GRAPHIC"
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 "Like if you like seeing numbers going up next to
  a small heart-shaped graphic"
 This Week:
 * MAPS - now improved with swearing
 * POT NOODLE - the search starts now
 * HOW TO FEEL OLD - other than using a mirror
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're still sending
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   out this bollocks
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   so read it you twats"
 B3ta electronic email 770 - 14 May 2021
 Read this issue pretending to be Thatcher's ghost:
 https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue770
 -------------------------------------------------
 : UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
   Spicing up the bland world of sports coverage
   If you like sport, you'll love the Upshot - a
   weekly newsletter dishing out gossip,
   controversy and tasteless jokes from the world
   of British sport.
   Sign up for free and get a five minute hit of
   sporting filth every Friday.
 https://upshot.email/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than sweet sweet love with their hand
   * FOUR KING MAPS (say it out loud) - drumber01
   writes, "I made a thing I think you might
   like, a unique 4 swear word identifier for
   every 3m by 3m (approx) square in the UK &
   Ireland. I wanted to know where wanker cunt
   arse fuck was and it turns out it's in
   Darlington." Good work lad, you've
   successfully guessed the bullshit we like.
 https://www.fourkingmaps.co.uk/
   * POT NOODLE SEARCH - HarvesterStallone
   writes, "Hi there, I'm hoping you might be
   able to help me. I'm trying to find and buy a
   Pot Noodle from my childhood, with the
   'explosion' logo design. I feel it would be a
   good fit for your newsletter and would cast
   the net wider. Thank you for your time." Yeah
   fuck it, we'll run this.
 https://youtu.be/0DI_TnkCdBE
   * NEW BEATLES ALBUM (sort of) - tomhatcher
   writes, "I’ve edited together an album of
   unreleased songs from The Beatles’ Get Back
   Sessions... took me ages. I’m really pleased
   with it. All Beatles playing from the tapes, I
   just tidied into an album by me. Ch,ch,check
   it out..." OK, don't expect Beatles quality
   music here but a curio for the obsessives,
   which includes us.
 https://m.youtube.com/playlist
 -------------------------------------------------
 In which song did Duran Duran repudiate their
 alleged love of Thatcherism?
 NO, NO, NO TORIES, US.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Your confessions, relentlessly turned into content
   Each week our cyber priests ask you to repent
   your sins and we throw up the better ones out
   on social media for some cheap likes. Here's
   three of the best:
   * ROM COM - "Years ago I was moaning about
   being single to my sis and she asked which of
   her mates I fancied - I said 'Cath' and she
   rang her to arrange a date. We've been
   together for 15 years now. The 'Cath' my sis
   rang wasn't the one I meant."
   * TURD WORDS - "This morning while walking the
   dog, I suddenly needed to shit so squatted
   down behind a hedge. My dog crouched down next
   to me at the same time and had his poo. We are
   turd buddies now and I feel really bonded with
   him."
   * HEARTWARMING - "My 10 year old son got a
   trail cam for Xmas and sets it up at night.
   Not much wildlife in our garden and he was
   getting disappointed with nothing being
   captured, so I bought a rubber rat and fishing
   line and drag it across the garden so he has
   captured something to see."
   Well you might as well join the 134,000 people
   following it, we're not going to stop now:
 https://twitter.com/fesshole
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
   Yes, buy lovely woolly socks
   Do you own feet at the end of your legs? Well
   Hebtroco have a product called "socks" that
   work as kind of innertubes for your shoes so
   that you don't have to throw away your shoes
   every day. Buy some now, they're toasty and
   warm and will save you a fortune.
 https://hebtro.co/product-category/sock_range/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Stuff made by other people in the content mines
   * MAKE YOU FEEL OLD - Everyone loves a site
   that makes them feel ancient, so why not try
   searching for a film you saw in the cinema as
   a kid and find out how old that film now seems
   to a zoomer?
 https://itsbeenthatlong.jonabrams.com
   * THE MELDREW POINT - this twitter account
   congratulates public figures when they're as
   old as Richard Wilson was in the first episode
   of One Foot In The Grave. That's 53 you know,
   so that's Damon Albran from Blurp and Howard
   Donald from those Take Thats.
 https://twitter.com/MeldrewPoint
   * BUTT FUCKER 3000 - amusing short video where
   some dude logs onto a court session using the
   same name they were presumably using to cruise
   for sex online. We've all done it.
 https://twitter.com/KikkiPlanet/status/13922259085...
   * THIS CAT DOES LIKE TO BE TOUCHED - nice
   deadpan remix of a growling cat.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Cat_doesnt_like_to_be_touch...
  * TIKTOK REMIX CULTURE - One of the cute
  features of TikTok is that you can create a new
  video containing a video already on the site.
  Used here to innovative and amusing effect:
 https://twitter.com/Iameaschris/status/13912073969...
   * THE DIET SUPPLEMENT YOU DON'T NEED - pretty
   sure we linked this 15 years ago but if you're
   after a very cheap laugh it still delivers.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Some_adverts_dont_age_well
 -------------------------------------------------
 What's got two beards and is the opposite of a pyjama bottom?
 ZZ Top
 -------------------------------------------------
 : IMAGE CHALLENGE
   This week: Science in films
   Make films more scientific. Correct the
   terrible physics and chemistry mistakes in
   movies or just put a test tube in people’s
   hands for comedic effect.
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/scienceinfilms/popular/
 -------------------------------------------------
 "If Kurt Cobain had heard the music that the Foo
 Fighters were going to make, he'd have turned
 around and shot his drummer instead."
 More alarming opinions here:
 https://twitter.com/anon_opin
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FOLLOW UPS
   What happened next on previous stories
   * GOODBYE MUSHY - some of you commented on the
   thread saying goodbye to the much loved B3tan
   - it was good to read:
 https://b3ta.com/board/11343352
   * CIRCLE GAME UPDATE - Matt Round's draw a
   circle game has gone viral on TikTok. He's a
   hit with the kids!
 https://tiktok.com/@.kmyathomas/video/695994792879...
   * DID DAVID HOCKNEY HANG AROUND ON THE B3TA
   BOARD? Our collective shiteness is very
   reminiscent.
 https://twitter.com/CaptMikeYates/status/139220054...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Three / free ideas for you to jizz into reality
   * KRAFTWERK TRIBUTE - Computer Love is forty
   years ago this week but did you know the
   computer terminal on the cover was named
   Hazeltine 1500? It would be a good nerd
   project for someone to use the actual terminal
   to recreate the cover. It wouldn't have been
   able to do pixel art but some ascii art.
   * ARCHBISHOP OF BANTERBURY BOT - might be
   vaguely amusing to get a bot to rewrite every
   tweet from the actual Archbishop Of Canterbury
   to add "havin' it large" or "just off for a
   cheeky Nandos". Especially for the sombre
   tweets about funerals of important people.
   * REALISTIC JESUS AND MARY CHAIN SIMULATOR
     10 input "Is it raining?", a$
     20 if a$="yes" then print "we're happy" else
     print "not happy about this"
   Go on, make some stuff, you lazy fucking shits: 
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 Just a shout out to our favourite story this
 week where Gwyneth Paltrow confessed to breaking
 down and eating bread during quarantine. "I was
 drinking seven nights a week and making pasta
 and eating bread. I went totally off the rails."
 We want to hang with you Gwen. Call us.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost sexually.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
   Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
   McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
   Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
   Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
   Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
   Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
   Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
   James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
   Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
   Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
   Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
   James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
   Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
   Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
   Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
   Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
   Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
   Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
   bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
   Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
   wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
   Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
   Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
   Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
   Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
   Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
   Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
   Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
   Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
   Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
   Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
   Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
   Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
   Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
   Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
   Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
   Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
   McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
   Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
   Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
   Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
   Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
   Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
   Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
   Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
   Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
   Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
   Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
   peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
   Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
   Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
   Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
   John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
   Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
   Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
   Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
   olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
   M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
   Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
   Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
   Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
   Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
   Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
   Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
   Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
   McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
   Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
   Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
   Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; HappyToast for image
   challenge help; and Dr Dunno for something or
   other. Proofing by Kat E.
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. We love you and
   do please donate as you get occasional bonus
   content.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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