we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "SAUSAGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * EXORCISM - Katie Hopkins * GAME - Jaws, the text adventure * VID - Airline safety lols ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving up our ___/ _ |/_ > National Airlines safety video << "If you have to fly with any airline, make sure it's National Airlines," advises ratbanjos. A cheesy inflight safety video with new voiceover, this is wonderfully wrong. http://www.b3ta.com/links/National_Airlines >> 'Over the cliffs' << "I made this video here in Shetland, with a waterproof camera and a big stick," boasts RompaStompa. All we can say is that it must have been a particularly big stick, as the camera soars contemplatively high above the rugged Scottish landscape. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Over_the_cliffs >> Sherlock Holmes: Pipe Battle << "Hope you like it," opines feelwelcome of this peculiar Sherlock Holmes pipe-smoking remix. Just odd. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1069630 ------------------------------------------------- : USVSTH3M B3ta-affiliated project that sucks our time * 19 WAYS TO MAKE AN ILLUSTRATOR GRIND THEIR TEETH TO BLOODY STUMPS - think being an illustrator is all drawing awesome unicorns and people telling you you're great? Think again, for it is a job that destroys teeth. TEETH WE TELL YOU. http://usvsth3m.com/post/61672228017/19-ways * JAWS: THE TEXT ADVENTURE - how bitey are you? C'mon! You get to play the SHARK! Who doesn't want to be a shark? http://toys.usvsth3m.com/jaws/ * CAN YOU SPOT THE NORTHAMPTON CLOWN? - Northampton is currently being haunted by a sinister clown. Dare you play our latest game and track him down? http://toys.usvsth3m.com/northampton-clown/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Break-up Stories We wanted the gory details of your relationship failures. And you gave them to us. Go read pineapplecharm's story of love, loss and DIY: http://b3ta.com/questions/breakingup/ * MATCHED - "In the smoldering ashes of a marriage breakup I decided to get back out there and meet someone new. So, like many, I gave online dating a try. There wasn't a great deal of choice back then and match dot com was by far the biggest, so I dutifully filled their profile pages, uploaded pictures and submitted payment. I almost held my breath with excitement as I clicked the button to find my matches... The first match back was 100%: could there really be my perfect partner out there living in the same small town as me!? No, that genius website had decided my perfect match was my ex-wife. Looking further I decided I probably wasn't ready to get back on the dating scene after all. And they don't do refunds." (golddust) * ARSED - "You get into a relationship, you're well matched, you share interests and the sex is *fantastic*. So much so, that you move in and talk about making it all permanent. She asks me to fix her computer, as it was running like it was submerged in treacle. Halfway through I accidentally dropped a file into the recycling bin. Clicked through and I found loads of pictures of my beloved getting royally porked at various angles by some bloke. I then found that a) the pictures were only dated the previous week and b) all my stuff could clearly be seen on the bedside cabinet. Well fuck that shit. I could live with being cheated on. What really got me that there was clearly a third person holding the camera, and the arse pummeling up and down sometimes had a tattoo, sometimes it didn't. I closed the lid on her laptop, moved out that day, haven't spoken since." (Freddie Woo) * DYED - "Not me, but my friend. She had been dating this guy for about a year and was utterly smitten. One night he took her out for dinner as he had something to talk about. Was he going to ask her to move in with him? No. Said it wasn't her, it was him. He just needed to try something new. Something different. "Like what?" she sobbed, "Are you gay? Are you going travelling?" No, he just thought it was time he was with someone more... BLONDE. And as she stared at him in disbelief, he went on, "Please don't mis- understand me. The very last thing I'm saying is that you should go off and dye your hair." (rachelswipe) >> This Week - TWAT FRIENDS << You know the one, the mate who is guaranteed to ruin every social situation by being an embarrassment/sexist/racist/bellend etc. Tell us all about them, and remember if you don't have one, it's you: http://b3ta.com/questions/twatfriends/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Android Kit-kat comic << Kids are scared of the silliest stu… Oh, wait, that is terrifying. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nestle_free_week >> OmNomNomify the web << It's hard to convey just how much joy you can get from replacing every picture on the web with animated GIFs of the Cookie Monster dancing. War, disaster, fashion, celebrity - all infinitely improved. http://omnomnomify.com/ >> The difficult life of the BBC newsreader << Newsreader pronounces a 35-letter Hawaiian surname not once, but TWICE, in a 29-second broadcast. We kind of want this to be video to see him punch the air when gets through. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p01h0lgf >> Has Johnny Cash really "been everywhere"? << Johnny Cash makes a bold claim in "I've Been Everywhere" - this guy puts it to the test, by mapping the song's locations. http://johnnycashhasbeeneverywhere.com/ >> Pixar's 22 Rules of Storytelling << Ex-Pixar artist lays out the company's 22 rules of compelling storytelling. A great way to indulge your occasional fantasies about writing that great novel or screenplay. http://imgur.com/a/fPLnM >> World's worst estate agent photography << Collection of absolutely brain-molesting house detail photography - some from people who tried too hard, but most who just couldn't give a fuck. http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.tumblr.com/ >> Pinterest board of all Steve Ballmer's jumpers << Why does this exist? We can only guess. Guess... and shudder in dread. http://bit.ly/181Bvox ------------------------------------------------- : HELP WANTED The Sunday Assembly Long-time B3tan Sanderson Jones writes: "The Sunday Assembly is the atheist church that is going global. We're making a crowdfunding video, and looking for an animator to do a little bit. Anyone want to help email or Twitter us? Thanks! https://twitter.com/SundayAssembly ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a lol but smaller >> Updated version of 'Right Said Fred' << Cockney classic updated for these modern times. This guy's delivery is absolutely spot on. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1067085/ >> Ginger cat vs Paper Army << Little paper guys mob up to tackle their nemesis - a ginger cat. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ginger_cat >> The Exorcism Of Katie Hopkins << Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby attempt to drive the evil from professional "social commentator" Hopkins. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1068178/ >> Why stock video footage doesn't have sound << Getty vids, dubbed with alarming, new soundtracks. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Getty_Dubs >> How to ride a wrecking ball like Miley Cyrus << For "Miley" read "fleshy, uncooked chicken". Sort of funny, veering towards actually upsetting. Yeesh. What an emotional rollercoaster. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1067779 >> Pub-style bets you will always win << 10 Bets You'll Always Win is a video series explaining clever wagers you can make with your chums, in the almost surefire knowledge that they'll fail. https://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Alien Invasion Challenge Last week we wanted you to picture life after the forthcoming alien invasion Your favourites included: * BREAKFAST: homely gathering spoilt by bursting life-form facial (Captain Howdy) http://www.b3ta.com/board/11010067 * TALENT: X-Factor panel invaded to ensure other-worldly winner (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/11011081 * REALITY: further X-Factor frights, as personal journey climaxes (Joe Scaramanga) http://www.b3ta.com/board/11009444 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/alien-invasion/ >> New challenge: Misheard Lyrics II << Mishearing lyrics for the LOLs is one of the cornerstones upon which B3ta was built, yet we haven't done it as a challenge since 2004. Time to put that right. Suggested by PedroHin and Shallowz. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/misheard-lyrics/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TAN IN THE DAILY MAIL - For eating cat food. "I've made the femail section of the DailyMail!" exclaims colmcq2. "I don't know whether to laugh or cry!" http://dailym.ai/19WRMfO * NEW LITTLE KUNT ALBUM - There's a new Kunt & the Gang album, recorded by his high pitched alterego - and this is the download URL. We originally linked to his web page, but got weirded out by the pictures of Pat Butcher's vagina. http://bit.ly/17OMfYB ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * STICKERS with "No, your a dick" on them. To annoy dicks. And pedants. * MAKEUP in one flexible sheet, so you can just lay it on your face and save loads of time before going out. * AN EXTRA DAY per week, just to spend in hibernation. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Hey you: [email protected] Wankers: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by MaxineBasset, Enzyme, mictoboy, The Scrunt, Fluffster, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver and robneymcplum. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Top tips via robneymcplum. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: A cocktail stick, the end sanded-down and coated with phosphorus sesquisulfide & gelatine as the binder, makes an ideal emergency match if you don't fancy walking to the shop. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive