we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "JOKE FREE FOR LEGAL PURPOSES" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * COCKS - Add them to your photos * HATE MAIL - People want to be insulted * BABIES - Slowed down, at last ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the whale ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Making fun, that's what >> Immature Bokeh << "Online communities for photography are either really twee, or po-faced," claims nachimir. "I thought they could definitely do with more knobs and bollocks." For the uninitiated, bokeh is that photography thing where lights are surrounded by lots of little shapes. Our fave of this lot is the little cloud of fucks. http://www.immaturebokeh.co.uk/ >> Weebl's Christmas Nativity << "Me and Weebl united once again!" rejoices Wonchop. This is an excellent thing and extremely seasonal. Sadly, not this season, but that's still a quality. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Weebls_Christmas_Nativit... >> Goodbye Max X << "The last Max film," rasps Sheep! "Although not the last film I'll ever make..." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Branding ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Driven to Madness We wanted to know what drives you up the wall these days. Beyond Comic Sans, that is: http://b3ta.com/questions/driventomadness/ Here's a top 0x0A: * People who talk during a film. * Women who shriek when they meet. * Wheelie luggage twats. * People who pout in photos. * God botherers. * Litter louts. * Those bastards who put coffee in the sugar. * Men that tell you what women like. * People who use hexadecimal by default. ... and ... * HKLP: "Holds Knife Like Pen" >> This Week - THE BEST THING I'VE BUILT << What have you made that makes you proud? It doesn't have to work, just make you feel good. http://b3ta.com/questions/bestthingivebuilt/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> We really want a 3D printer << Listening to the 80s pop song Twist in my Sobriety the other day and noticed a pretty and delightfully melancholy oboe part. Googling the player we've found he's called Malcolm Messiter and has recently been using a 3D printer to mend his harpsichord. What a chap. http://bit.ly/TlucPq >> Robot cloud analyser << In some wondrous meeting of science and whimsy the Pareidolic Robot spends its time scanning clouds for formations that look like faces. Would it spoil the magic to make it look for sky cocks? http://www.di12.rca.ac.uk/projects/pareidolic-robo... >> Film versus Music << Website randomly links a scene from a film to a random bit of music. Yakety Sax vs Commando worked well for us. In fact anything with Yakety Sax added is immediately funny - the more serious the source material the better. http://film-v-music.com/ >> One night stand schadenfreude << A site where women can put up texts from men to ask "what do they mean?" Here's a tip - when people don't make an effort to re-connect, 99 times out of a 100 they aren't bothered. Painful to read. http://hetexted.com/ >> How much do cats actually kill?? << A lot apparently. They are murdering shits who murder shit. http://theoatmeal.com/comics/cats_actually_kill ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Because YouTube needs more traffic >> Hate mail << The Dalai Farmer writes: "This project from misterbingo sends beautifully-crafted abuse to people via the near-forgotten medium of postcard. Some of the brilliantly abusive content is shown off in this video which no doubt has b3ta appeal." Long but rather interesting. http://vimeo.com/34951319/ Dalai also writes: "Oh and further to my previous email, he has a book out with a selection of delicious abuse within." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/071815903... >> Alcohol Vaporizer Bong << If you're bored with the necessity of having to drink alcohol maybe you'd like to try inhaling it instead? Apparently gets you drunk very quickly with the added fun of increased risk of acute alcohol poisoning. Have fun kids and don't drink the liquid nitrogen cocktails on Freshers Week. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Bottles Beware! << Be-bearded fatty strikes fear into the hearts of water containers everywhere, with his quick-draw sword and knife techniques. Why is it always water in these vids - surely a huge balloon of blood would be more impressive? Also, he is very fast with a sword and very, very fat. http://b3ta.com/links/Bottles_Beware >> The shape of a sound << Salt, sprinkled on a vibrating tray, forms very different patterns, depending on the pitch of the sound - surprisingly quickly, too. http://youtu.be/DGSU5rcHmRQ >> Slowed-down Babies << Giggling toddler, at half-speed, sounds like an over-enthusiastic and slow-witted giant man. Still infectious though. When it comes to crying, one commenter sums it up best as "sounds like generic retarded cyclops." http://www.youtube.com/watch http://bit.ly/Tlup5d >> Peculiar anime duet << No idea what's going on here, but it's highly odd and rather enjoyable. http://b3ta.com/links/_:99 >> Bad Lip Reading Presidential debate << The Bad Lip Reading crew turn Obama and Romney's head-to-head into a beautiful, surreal musical. "I'm not a robot. I wish...!" http://b3ta.com/links/Eye_of_the_Sparrow ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Redefining funny as unfunny since 1973 * SINGAPORE LADY - we just hope she brushes her teeth. http://www.nie.edu.sg/profile/chew-shit-fun * COCK CHEM - K2k6 writes, "Part of my job involves testing materials for polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons such as benzo(k)fluoranthene. To the untrained eye, its chemical structure just looks like, well, a chemical structure. But to a b3tard..." http://www.chemspider.com/Chemical-Structure.8804.... * THORNTONS FUN - wideeye writes, "Saw this in my local co-op... Interesting phrasing there, Mr Thornton." http://bit.ly/PrPfUZ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Draw your own computer game Deceptively simple playing fields and controls - mindless fun ensues - we like it mainly for the DIY art, extremely reminiscent of Line Rider circa 2006 - but executed using HTML5 canvas stuff which means Adobe hate it and will cry flash vector tears if you play it. http://canvasrider.com/tracks ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Make unhappy endings happy - the results! Your favourites included: * HAPPY SE7ENTH BIRTHDAY! What's in the box? (HappyToast) http://b3ta.com/board/10857705 * ROBOT POSTS JOKE ON FACEBOOK - satire totally unconnected to us. (Monkeon) http://b3ta.com/board/10860230 * AND THEY ALL SHINED ON - if only Kubrick had lived to make this director's cut. (Brian O'Blivion) http://b3ta.com/board/10858600 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/happy-unhappy/ >> New challenge: New torture devices << This week's challenge is to invent new and painful ways of extracting information from people. Make these foul contraptions as revolting, unlikely and cruel as possible. http://b3ta.com/challenge/torture/popular/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * iPHONE KEYBOARD BLOKE GETS KICKSTARTER CASH - Craig Rothwell writes, "It looks like it could hit $200k which is just amazing and $50k over what we had hoped for. Those of you who supported us early on really helped get the momentum going! Kickstarter is an amazing resource for start ups. I really think it will change how small businesses are funded when it launches in the UK. If you have an idea, I'd start planning your project now - the first ones on the UK site are bound to get enormous press attention." http://kck.st/PpPyKw Also Craig mentions, "I made an alternative video for it too, which we didn't use (for obvious reasons) but which is more entertaining:" http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SOLUTIONS TO FACIAL HAIR - shaving is just so 1990s. * LEARNING TO SEE UNDERWATER - we're convinced if we swim enough underwater we'll get better at it. Have any of you done this? * A USE FOR HEAD-LICE - we've got loads of them. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Bumchums : [email protected] Bumbastards: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by *redacted* & David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by tubaman, murray, UltimateMonkey, skeltonator, Tusk, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, ok, chompedhomas, Linbox, haxworth. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Munsta. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Take lots of exercise and eat properly. The list of problems it helps with is almost limitless; depression, not being able to sleep, anxiety, confidence, longevity, heart disease. You name it basically. Your mum was right. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive