we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "IF WE'RE 'ALL IN THIS TOGETHER' WHERE'S OUR COKE AND HOOKERS? " next issue » « previous issue This Week: * TOURETTE'S - vs. Lionel Richie's 'Hello' * GORILLA - Baby ape bath-time frolics * EXTREME - Fanciful cat baskets ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're leaking nude ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << The newsletter is funded by a trickle of advertising cash, if you like our ramblings then ask a responsible adult to support us: http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Recession, Darkness and Running >> Sir Ian Bowler explains the recession << Government mouthpiece Sir Ian "talks us through the third successive quarter of an under- performing economy," explains Natt. He's crammed some quite excellent lines into this one. http://goo.gl/YH0KW >> None More Black << "I've made a game," squees Steve Bromley. "It's a Spinal Tap-inspired, asteroid’s style escape-em-up. Sounds great, no?" Genuinely a challenge, to avoid oncoming death on a pitch-black screen. http://www.kongregate.com/games/spanrah/none-more-... >> 10k Run simulator << "I'm running the Edinburgh 10k," spurts Anthony Gowland. "But that's not very interesting - So I've also written a little, old-school button-mashing game about running the Edinburgh 10k. It's for charity." The challenge is to set a pace you can maintain for the entirety of the race's simulated 10km. http://bit.ly/o8b1Wj ------------------------------------------------- 1. Google 'hmrc' 2. Look at the second link 3. Be amused that the real HMRC probably aren't that happy about this ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK School Naughtiness Last week we asked for the naughtiest thing you'd ever done at school. Read on for tales of childish silliness, and that's just the teachers amongst you: http://b3ta.com/questions/schoolnaughtiness/ * OOF - "You think kids are cruel? Bullshit. Nobody takes the piss out of kids as ruthlessly and effectively as teachers. It's all behind closed doors of course, but for every stupid nickname given to a teacher, they respond with one for the kids. They know the ones that smell of wee, the ones wearing pyjamas to school, the semi-autistic special cases, the spunkers who smell of fag smoke and handjobs, the fatsos and sissies, the pseudo-hardmen and needy geeks. The cruellest thing I ever was privy to was when I was on a placement, manfully trying to impose my will and lesson plan on an apathetic group of 14 year-olds who were wondering who the fuck I was, when there was a knock on the door. I went to answer it, and there was a young girl with livid ginger hair that looked unbrushed since birth, in a badly home-knitted jumper, with buck teeth and the coarse red cheeks which curse some gingers. "Mr Andrews asked me to give you this." She passed a note. I opened it. It said, "THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE UGLIEST KID IN THE WHOLE SCHOOL." (chinaman) * STNIRP ERSA - "My old science teacher used to always lean against the same desk, in exactly the same place, at the back of the class. Me and my mate Peter had the idea of backwards writing in thick chalk on the edge of the desk. We could not have hoped for it to work as well as it did, so every week for three years we managed to get a message printed onto his arse, starting with mature things like "I'm gay" or "I like little boys" but moving towards self referential "I am a message on your bum" to serialised "you will never catch us", over a five week period. On our last day, Peter, me and late recruit Vikesh confessed all and, to be fair to him, he shook us by the hand and said he had taken it in good fun, but had had no idea how the fuck kids had managed to write on his arse without him noticing." (clinteastwoodbradfield) * RIP - "In Junior School we had to file into assembly to classical music and in the last year a rota was run for setting out the teachers chairs, which were metal-framed with a canvas seat and back. Even as an 8-year-old I had a very acute sense of justice and felt that the chiding I had received from Mrs Lee, Head Teacher and professional fat ass, for doing handstands was completely unjust. As we dragged chairs across the gym, I thought about how much I hated Mrs Lee and wanted to give her a Chinese burn. I lifted a chair from the stack and noticed that it had a long rip in the middle and was quite frayed around the edges. I put it front and centre where Mrs Lee would usually sit and lent on the canvas with my elbow till I heard a faint tearing noise. I would let Mrs Lee do the rest. Soon time came for us to march into assembly to Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture... Mrs Lee started her monologue but I didn't hear it; I was waiting for the moment. Finally it came. She sat. The canvas gave way and she plunged arse first through the metal frame, arms and legs waving frantically as the skirt she was wearing colourfully framed her dimpled hairy thighs and greying pants. 200 7-11 year olds and a few teachers giggled hysterically as two male staff reluctantly came to her rescue by bracing a leg on the chair and pulling her out by her arms. In my mind, I hear her POP as she is freed." (GirlOfTheWorld) >> This Week's Question - I never ever << Tell us about the awful, terrible things you've never done... but secretly have: http://b3ta.com/questions/notme/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Television caption photos << "Is there such a thing as insanity... among penguins?" "I don't like the name Joey Meatballs" "So I had sex with a pinata" http://t.co/ylWUzMaI >> OCD Madness << The extent of our OCD is the feeling, say if we buy a CD, we then want all the CDs on the shelf (we mostly resist, but the pull is there.) At least we're not this guy. http://goo.gl/33gVV >> "CAPS LOCK IS HOW I FEEL INSIDE RICK" << Wonderful MSN chats between a man and a cat. http://louisvsrick.tumblr.com >> Amazingly awful/brilliant movie posters << "These movie posters were all created by artists in Ghana to promote travelling movie shows and sell tickets to bootleg screenings of various western and local movies," writes the site. Scroll down to Cujo for megalolz. http://goo.gl/wpncn >> If this then that << Super-clever webservice builder where you can check for events and make things happen. We've racked our brain to think of a robo-task and the best we can do is "if Toby Young tweets, reply to it with a picture of a dick." http://ifttt.com/wtf >> Nokia Tune remake competition << Nokia are running a competition to find the next version of their famous "Nokia Tune" ringtone. The most popular entry is a thing of rare beauty... http://nokiatune.audiodraft.com/entries/mostliked ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Baby Gorilla & Chimp in the bath Anyone who's got kids (and our advice is don't, as the cost will condemn you to serfdom) will recognise this scene. http://bit.ly/nuTy1u ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a Sky+ box with an EPG written by mentals >> You will be disturbed << The salty tears of the baby Christ this video is making us feel emotions we don't have words for. Warning: Contains death footage of Tommy Cooper. http://youtu.be/8QekYyN32PI >> Tourette's Karaoke << Right-wing climate change-denying journalist Milo Yiannopoulos sent us this rather wonderful clip of a man suffering from tourette's whilst singing Lionel Ritchie's Hello. It's like our internal monologue when we read the Telegraph. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Fan-made Britney Spears Circus video << NSFW because of oddness. Also, we advise you not to fancy the pretty lady in it. Well, unless that's your thing. Then be our guest. http://goo.gl/j73Vi >> Drive Recklessly << A poignant reminder of what may happen if you drive fast. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Drive_Recklessly >> The Malls of Dubai - Song by Rohit << You don't get to hear much about Dubai, except as playground for the super rich. But what's it like to be a teenage kid there? Rohit is here to tell you, in song, giving you a tour of all the bloody malls. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Taxidermy advert << "Noooope - Chuck Testa," will be your new catchphrase, once you watch this deadpan advert for the taxidermy skills of Chuck. http://t.co/eiy8G6V6 >> The Shining Vs Lennon's "Instant Karma << Frightening edit of The Shining to John Lennon's "Instant Karma" - which is where Stephen King got the name from. An orgy of violent images and violent editing. Is this just disturbing with no point other than to shock? NSFW. http://goo.gl/d7Ofa ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Redefining funny to mean shit since 2001 * BILL PAYER - could be a small example of partial nominative determinism as, well, you're going to give him a job because he's the kind of guy you want - someone who pays his bills. http://twitter.com/#!/bpayerCBS42 * SAY IT OUT LOAD - double2 writes, "I found it in one of those moments where you just make up funny names and google them. Excellent result I feel." http://www.homedecorworld.com/isabelleendtable.asp... * SCARGILL ON A BMX! We're hoping this phrase might become as popular as Christ on a Bike. BTW: The pic is from photographer Martin Shakeshaft - google him if that's your thing. http://yfrog.com/nu5zhfj * HEADLINE OF THE NANOSECOND - "Gordon Ramsay’s Porn Dwarf Double Eaten by Badger" - hard to establish the truth in this, but what a headline. http://goo.gl/s4kSB ------------------------------------------------- : FOLLOW FRIDAY Sinead O'Connor One-time singer and Pope-agitator Sinead O'Connor is on Twitter and she's got a potty mouth. Love her. Examples include: * "I went to the doctor. Guess what he told me? Guess what he told me? He said 'girl u better stop sticking popular fruit + veg up ur gool.' * "Can't believe oprah's twitter is listed as similar to mine! She doesn't take it up the shitter does she?" * And reply to Emma Freud (the great granddaughter of Sigmund let's not forget), "@emmafreud it's all about lube though ladies. Don't just let him in there un-prepared." http://twitter.com/howryeh ------------------------------------------------- : EXTREME CAT HOMES Three ideas for kitteny dwelling lols * CAT TARDIS - Astromark has a cat called Kaylee. He's built her her own Tardis, so she can travel through time and defeat cybermice. http://t.co/dNs9SdKM * CAT FIGHTER PLANE - @editorialgirl writes, "We bought ours a fighter plane but he didn't like it. As he got in, the wing scraped on the floor and scared the shit out of him. He wouldn't go near it again." http://t.co/xm45AxVv * SPACE CAT - It's the carpety USS Enterprise that gives us mini-lols here. (via @SimonNRicketts) http://tinyurl.com/5ws8mbh ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Tea Challenge Last week we wanted you to pay tribute to the majesty of tea. Your favourites included: * WAR - the battle of Iwo Jima, with added teapot (RATTLEHEAD) http://b3ta.com/board/10528635 * PEE - striped mug in athletic urine drinking spectacle (HappyToast) http://b3ta.com/board/10528549 * GIFT - impressively laboured pun in Doctor Who giveaway drama (Griffy Savalas) http://b3ta.com/board/10528713 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/tea/ >> New challenge: Fluffy the Penguin << To mark the solemnity of b3ta's 10th anniversary, we're repeating one of the very first challenges. So photoshop this penguin, for he is Fluffy. http://b3ta.com/challenge/fluffypenguin/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MUSIC THINGIE - manolith writes, "If you don't have a sponsored link for this week's newsletter, would you consider pimping a link for a musician acquaintance of mine? It's kind of a kickstarter-style thing." Aha, but we do have a sponsored linky; for the Olympics of all things. Manolith continues, "Needs enough people to 'pledge' to buy the album or it won't get released and that would be sad. He's an excellent and unique musician who plays a bunch of incredible, self-built instruments." Oh go on then. http://www.pledgemusic.com/projects/truax-monthly-... * OLD BASH PHOTOS - as it's our 10th birthday Joel writes, "I found hundreds of old photos from b3ta bashes on my computer. A lot are from Nacho, lots from other people as well I guess. Anyway, it's 10th anniversary day so I thought I'd whack them all in a flickr set. It's HISTORY that's what this is. This is IMPORTANT DAMMIT." http://www.flickr.com/photos/joelveitch/sets/72157... * OLD M3TATWEENING PROJECT - Professor Fnord writes, "From a project I did on the board in 2003. 20 b3tans working in isolation with only a start frame, an end frame and total freedom to get from one to the other in any way. With the 10 year anniversary a lot of the old b3tans have appeared and have been asking to see this again because it's not been on any video hosts, it was just a direct download that went offline." http://goo.gl/fESvN ------------------------------------------------- : SIGNS OF THE APOCOLYPSE Shit 9/11 Tributes Last week was Ground Zero's 10th birthday and Serge-Fabrizio writes, "I saw these awful things and thought they were ripe for newslettering. Fender have released these dreadful, tacky abominations to commemorate 9/11, not too bad at first glance, then you see the policeman graphic. What is he even meant to be holding?" http://goo.gl/cedtX ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Mental pong Jasper Kingjay writes, "I do like Friday games in the newsletter. I do. I really do. And I know you are fond of classics. So here is Mental Pong, made by a friend of mine. It's meant to drive you mental. And trololol is in there. Website is in Dutch, but you'll manage." http://www.365dagenkunst.nl/2011/mentalpong/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * REBELLING AGAINST OUR BANKING OVERLORDS - e.g. quantitative easing = banks printing money = inflation = my money worth less. We propose quantitative payment. Where we pay less for bills. * TECH VS WASHING MACHINE - our Casio watch survived a go in the Bosch. What else can endure a hot spin? (Warning: Don't try pets, we learnt the hard way.) * BUBBLE BATH IN A JACUZZI - we did this without thinking once in a hotel. Turned us into a foam monster. Try it. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- People who smell of flowers: [email protected] People who smell of wee: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @deltorro01, c111zd954s, CIIJASIIE, @RobbieDHall, nowaydude, a username, utd_shed_boy, @bne, HappyToast, @GigerPunk, "SnowyTheRabbit", @ToastMaster, @pieceoplastic, Linbox, @davemayhem, tokyosexwhale and benryves. Top Tippery by Discocat Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Joe Scaramanga & Drunken Miss Holly. If you can read this, you forgot to unsubscribe. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Have a wank. Go on, you'll be glad you did. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive