we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "MAKING A PIG'S VAGINA OF IT" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * FEAR - sex-mad Anne Robinson * GLOWING - glowstick toilet * CUTE - baby costumes * CONFUSED - our demographic ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Sometimes we write ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING #1 Weakest Link, 90s & Budget beer >> The Weakest Link - Anne goes mental << "I was bored, so this happened," confesses Slurpy J, as Anne Robinson derails a round of the Weakest Link to follow her own, predatory sexual agenda. Mind bleach, please. http://snurl.com/weakestlinkmadness >> 1990s << "My wife often mocks me for being trapped in the 90s," bleeps melancholy Ginger Fuhrer Rob Manuel. "So I did a video/song about it." Like an M Night Shyamalan film, we won't ruin this by telling you there's a twist. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1990s >> Crap beer stunt << Inspired by that enormously expensive beer that's sold in dead squirrels, Tom Scott attempts his own, super-budget version. Full marks for going through with it and for mailing it off to the brewing company asking for feedback. http://www.tomscott.com/beer/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Guilty Laughs The best laughs are the ones that you really, really shouldn't be having. Go have some: http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltylaughs/ * MR JINGLES - "I have one of those friends who posts status updates to Facebosh to inform all of *everything* that happens in her life. Recently, her status updates ran thusly: [15:46] ...has just rescued a mouse from a horrible sticky mouse trap. Sooo cruel it was just, like, glued there! yay me! [16:11] Turns out the mouse lost quite a lot of fur and skin on his poor belly from the trap. I'm gonna nurse him all better and call him Mr Jingles like in the Green Mile! [16:39] Has just given Mr Jingles a soothing bath/wash and is gonna build him a little home to live in! He gonna be a circus mouse! ;o) [16:54] Mr Jingles is nibbling away at biscuit crumbs! Soooooo cute! [17:44] Would anyone like to come to Mr Jingles housewarming party? Hee hee! Found an old wooden box in the garage and have put some cotton wool and an old cat bowl of water in there for him! Don't tell anyone I've taken in a lodger! Hee Hee! x [18:29] OMG! I was only gone 5 minutes and Mr Jingles drowned in his water bowl :o( :o(" (R. Jimlad) * KIT-E-SPLAT - "My friend Anthony loves animals. A few years back, he had two cats, Mel and Pepsi. One night he phoned me in floods of tears and told me that Pepsi had been run over. I made the appropriate soothing noises, waited for him to calm down, then offered to go down and keep him company. He said no, he'd just needed to tell someone and felt better now. I hung up the phone and turned to my neighbour Chris, who'd been watching telly with me. "What's up?" he asked. I told him about Anthony's cat. "Which one was it?" "Pepsi." "Ooh," says he, "there's nothing worse than flat Pepsi." I almost choked. (Smash Monkey) * KNIFEY - "I was on the phone to my Gran about a year ago, and she was telling me about the nasty cut she got on her hand while cutting some cheese. In great detail. She explained how much blood was dripping from her hand onto the floor, how she wrapped the wound in a tea towel, how she shuffled with her Zimmer frame to the bathroom, how she cleaned the wound and all the trouble of getting a plaster on before the bleeding finally stopped. I sat patiently and sympathetically listening to my poor old Gran's tale. Finally, she cleaned herself up, shuffled slowly though to the kitchen again, where the bloody knife was still sitting and slowly took it over to the sink, gave it a good wash, and then Zimmered back to the cheese-board, knife in hand. She positioned herself in front of the cheese-board, picked the knife up, and promptly dropped it, pointy tip downwards, into her foot. Fortunately my Gran is a bit deaf, and did not hear the strangled guffawing at my end as she explained how she had to shuffle back though to the bathroom with a sharp knife protruding from her foot, trying not to bump it with her Zimmer frame as she inched her way forward." (eukaryote) >> This Week's Question << What's been your very ouchiest moment? Talk to us here and make us wince: http://b3ta.com/questions/ouch/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Naughty wood animal kids' book << Clever ad for German porn channel is rammed full of innuendo. http://snurl.com/naughtynuts >> Disguised weapons << Deadly weaponry, cunningly concealed as everyday household objects. Like if Transformers were real, but made out of small knives and coke cans. http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php >> thingsididlastnight.com << One of them there one-gag sites - made us giggle. http://thingsididlastnight.com/ >> Mila's Day Dreams << Mila's mum clearly gets bored when her baby is asleep, so Mila winds up getting posed and photographed in lots of fantastic scenes. Someone needs to start doing this with drunk students, as it puts shaving eyebrows to shame. http://milasdaydreams.blogspot.com/ >> Can you guess what this is? << Surprising reveal of peculiar decorative object. It looks a bit like delicious oreo biscuit, but it is not that. At all. http://snurl.com/ohnowtf >> Edible cups << Picnic glasses moulded out of jelly. Afterwards, throw them away or eat them. Probably throw them away, as they look pretty unappetising. http://snurl.com/jellycups ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING #2 Trilogy lists, Geordies & TV hats >> Best trilogy ever? << Spurred on by the release of Toy Story 3, "I've done a super-good analysis of all the movie trilogies ever," explains Zetsumetsu. He certainly raises a few eyebrows by choosing Twilight as mathematically the best movie trilogy of all time, but there's no arguing with Science. Ok, ok, that last sentence was a lie, just so you'd click the link. http://snurl.com/besttrilogyever >> The Geordie mating song << "More voiceovery silliness from me," brags Leemondus as he demonstrates how the Geordies charm each other to bed, and the birds from the trees. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Geordie_Mating_Song >> TV Hat around Shoreditch << For those who've never seen a TV hat, it's essentially a techno-snood that more closely adheres to the crown of the head. Bubbling with enthusiasm, CR3 took his brand new gadget for a photo-shoot around Shoreditch. "BEST DAY EVER!" he slightly unconvincingly claims. http://cr3ative.co.uk/tvhat/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Moving pixel shiny-shiny >> Two-legged kitten << It's not really explained what happened to this baby cat's two front paws - perhaps they're just carelessly misplaced. Anyway, delight in his cute, kangaroo-like antics. Look, no hands! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Two_legged_kitten >> Dr Jones << Indy gets a job at a school, but falls foul of bureaucratic headmaster Tom McDonnell. Lovely little musical number. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dr_Jones:2 >> Cow poo fetish << Jumping in puddles is fun, but cow-pats? Here's 39 videos of people loving being up to their ankles in bullshit. Odd to suddenly stumble on a brand new, clearly popular, sexual kink. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Keyboard man << Nuance-perfect recreation of Keyboard Cat. We'd love to see this guy do Charlie Bit My Finger and Tub Girl. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Keyboard_man >> Make love! << Saw an ad for this song on TV - oddly placed amongst the kids' programming - but actually a charming song telling everyone they should have more sex. We entirely agree - especially as it comes from a bloke who looks like an old Ben Goldacre. Ben Oldacre maybe. http://snurl.com/makelove >> Toilet vs Glow-sticks! << So what happens if you pour the contents of 32 glow-sticks into a toilet cistern and then flush? You get some very high young blokes, giggling with delight, that's what. http://snurl.com/bogrush ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Introducing Euan Kerr OK, the old joke is "Wayne Kerr" but we reckon "Euan Kerr" is one louder. itsDanBull writes, "He's the editor of the Beano. Not much on him online. Best I found is this Telegraph article where he hints that Walter The Softie is gay." http://bit.ly/cLBW6z ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Big Ben Challenge Last week we wanted you to work on London's most famous clock. And yes, we know that Ben is actually the name of the bell. But life's too short, etc. Your favourites included: * PISA - Ben heads to Italy for some hot architectural action (Bad Horsey) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10130915 * FACTS - the truth about Ben, told via the medium of info-graphic (sepang) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10131076 * SAD - Ben's hopes for recognition cruelly dashed (Joe Scaramanga) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10131281 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bigben/ >> New challenge: Prequels << These week's challenging challenge is to invent the movie & TV prequels to famous films: The Dambuilders, Reservoir Puppies, Indiana Jones & The Second-Last Crusade, etc. Mental. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/prequels/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME International Karate Old nerds will be in rapture at this pixel-perfect recreation of the Commodore 64 game International Karate. We managed to get through the first few levels by kicking and then gave up. Exactly as we played it 25 years ago. http://www.international-karate.de.vu/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * ALCO TRAMPS! Just swilled out our mouths with mouthwash and wondering how much of this stuff would get you drunk? Please try this so we don't have to. * SINGING FLESHLIGHTS - looking at the Wikipedia page on this wank-aid, we reckon you could squeeze the opening and sync it with some singing. Maybe get four of them and do Bohemian Rhapsody. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fleshlight * TECH LIFE-LAUNDRY - somebody to come round out house and eBay all the useless old tech we accumulate my buying the flavour-of-the-month gadgets, Kindles, iPads, Palm Pilots etc. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by summerfieldmartin, sinisterduck, social hand grenade, thomchem, masakatsu, aMac, chickenlady, Ariaxen, Pew Pew Pew! Lasers! NIKCY HEWGILLL, Dave! Top Tippery by MeekMan. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Saxenfraxenraxen to b4ta. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Never watch YouTube videos while signed in on a computer you share with your partner. The front page always displays recommendations quoting the videos you've watched (for instance "Recommended for you - The Armando Iannucci Shows - App...Because you watched The Armando Iannu...") That example was fairly innocuous but when the front page is flooded with Cheryl Cole, Katy Perry and cow manure clips, you may find it difficult to explain away. ------------------------------------------------- next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive