we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "AND THEN GOD CREATED SATURN... AND HE LIKED IT, SO HE PUT A RING ON IT. " next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CARTOON - Vagina Dentata * VIDEO - James Bond's annoying calls * QUESTION OF THE WEEK - Gingers, oh god ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Save 6 Music. Press ___/ _ |/_ > Vagina Dentata Lion King Style << "This is a video we me and my girl made," explains drreverendfantastic, "for your delectation and deliberation." NSFW redub of the Lion King because it's about, you know, muffs with molars. http://snurl.com/vaginadentata >> Casino Royale phone calls << An exasperated Bond has to deal with incessant phone calls from M, wittering on about Shakespeare. Cute idea from Idiofy that's amazingly convincing. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Casino_Royale_Phone_call... >> Atari 2600 cover art quiz << Match the polished cover art to the rudimentary game graphics of the 1977 Atari 2600 console. "The fact it's quite easy shows what fine work the artists did," points out monkeon. http://www.monkeon.co.uk/boxart/ >> GoatKCD << "GoatKCD locates the last panel of [popular webcomic] XKCD strips and replaces them with... well, take a wild guess," blurts rufoa. If you guessed goatse, give yourself a lollipop. Weirdly, goatse works great as a punchline. BTW: linking to the 'SFW' version that just uses a line drawing of the legendary two-fisted display. http://goatkcd.com/608/sfw >> Goo's Got Talent III << Due to careless reading of the contract, Jonti gets paid in creme eggs for making these spectacular Cadbury's Easter animations. He now weighs 23 stone and has gone blind, but he's earned it. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Flirting Last week we asked for your flirting tips. In amongst the fantasy porn, there's some lovely stuff. We wish "pixel_ficker" well on his date tonight: http://b3ta.com/questions/flirting/ * CHECK-IN - "Business trip to Cardiff, hotel check-in has a fit Aussie receptionist, "Would you like a newspaper in the morning sir?" "Yes please. I don't suppose you could get your hands on a 'Scotsman' could you?" "Oh I'd love to get my hands on a Scotsman sir!" "Perfect. What time do you finish?" "11 o'clock!" "I'll see you in the bar." My female colleague, stood just behind me, rolled her eyes and turned to the man behind her in the queue, muttering "I have to put up with this idiot for a living." (Reverend Fister) * CHECK-OUT - "In my local minimarket. I go over to the till. The bored-looking girl rings the items through and gets to the garlic sausage. A long, phallic chunk of garlicky goodness. She tries to ring it through. It doesn't work. She examines the barcode, realises it's scrunched up and proceeds to flatten it out with her hands. I watch, gulping down air as this bored teenager proceeded to wank off my sausage with dexterity and expertise. A sex ninja, performing the perfect hand-job. I just couldn't let it pass. "Now that's a lucky sausage." She gazed up at me, realising what it looked like, and, thankfully, let out a little laugh. "All part of the service," she said. In the most smutty way imaginable. I was hooked. For the next week I made a point of visiting every night on my way home. By the end of the week my fridge was stocked with a smorgasbord of phallic food items. She was only a kid, it was only a bit of harmless flirting, but it sort of passed the time. Until I went in to be greeted by Mr Shah's familiar, screwed up old face. Feeling a little disappointed, I said, "That girl you had in here last week. The things she said she'd do with a Peperami. Pwhhoooo!" Mr Shah finished packing my gear. "And that would be my daughter," said Mr Shah." (SpankyHanky) * CHECK PRESCRIPTION - "There's some daft person near me who's flirting with a tree! On my commute to work, I drive past a tree that somebody keeps buying cards and flowers for! I dunno what he/she sees in it - it's not even a particularly nice tree (it has a big, scorched chunk taken out of one side of it)" (Zak McFlimby) >> This Week's Question: Gingers << What does the world have against Gingers? We ask this out of genuine confusion, not to hear a load of old ginger jokes, so skip over those. Talk to us here, flame-haired gods: http://b3ta.com/questions/ginger/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Macabre kids' alphabet << A charming A-Z of children meeting grisly fates. Classic, gothy illustration from Edward Gorey. http://elizabethandjames.com/elizabeth/random/gore... >> Ages of social network users << Interesting study showing who uses which social networking site. Handy, so that we can know where to hang out and feel young. And where to hunt for silver fox... http://snurl.com/socialnetworkages >> Colour study << Surprisingly interesting in-depth questionnaire, to help you to discover your favourite colour. http://splash.clubdevo.com/colorstudy/ >> Fake receipt generator << Viral marketing for a restaurant that lets you fake up taxi rides, stationery shopping and the like so you can claim a luxury meal on company expenses. No way this could backfire at all. http://expenseasteak.com/ >> Linkbait Generator << The long-awaited public release of the magic engine that powers cracked.com. Need a catchy blog post title? Keep pressing the button and watch the ideas flow. http://linkbaitgenerator.com/index.php >> Candid photos of "celebrities" << Paris bribing an inmate? Marilyn having a crafty wank? No, they're lookalikes but shh! http://snurl.com/doubletake >> Fucking windows << Spectacularly childish and the most-submitted link of the week. Took us ages to figure out what to actually do. http://www.fucking-windows.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Now available in 2d >> Avatar-obsessed weirdos << There's two types of geek. Those who never leave the house and those who only leave the house dressed as their favourite characters from whatever nerd fiction is trending at the moment. This week is Avatar but the nerds are still nerds whatever decade it is. http://www.b3ta.com/links/avatar_obsessed_weirdos >> Golf Sale: The Movie << Anyone who's walked down Oxford Street or visited our very own boards knows about the Golf Sale guys who stand there holding their lonely and mysterious signs all day and every day. What a great idea for a surprisingly heart warming short film. http://snurl.com/golfsale >> Taiwan TV on Gordon Brown's "bullying" << An inexplicable take on the Bullygate affair. Possibly they're just taking the piss. http://snurl.com/bullybrown ... and instantly parodied by our very own Mutated Monty. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crouching_Gordon_Brown_D... >> David Cameron exposed << A lovely bit of political mockery by Armando Iannucci. BTW: Reality TV pitch. "The Osbornes" This week George and Adam go, "RAH! RAH! RAH! Let's go and get some prostitutes and drugs. Top wheeze eh?" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Call_me_Dave_exposed ------------------------------------------------- : PUNNY NAME CORNER Greatest name for a carpenter ever? And a reference to one of our favourite films of all time too. http://tweetphoto.com/12475650 ------------------------------------------------- : CHATROULETTE Fucking hell, it's got its own section The last couple of weeks everyone has gone mental for Chatroulette, if you haven't caught it yet, it's a video chatroom that assigns you random people to talk to. Invariably you sit there pressing next until you see someone attractive and then they press next and then you feel rejected. Also there's been loads of secondary content thrown up by the whole experience - here's the best: * A DAY IN THE CHATROULETE OFFICE. Amusing. http://www.b3ta.com/links/made_me_grin_like_the_re... * SCREENSHOTS FROM CHATROULETTE. Also amusing. http://chatroulette.tumblr.com/ * A SHORT FILM ABOUT CHATROULETTE. Insightful. http://vimeo.com/9669721 BTW: Our own experiences include pointing it at our family preparing dinner. People seemed quite interested in this and didn't press next. Also, wearing a silly hat and singing songs worked better than just looking grumpy and old. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Sci-Fi Advertising Challenge Last week we wanted you to show us what the stars of science fiction have sold to them through the medium of advertising Your favourites included: * PROSTITUTION - open a telephone box in any part of the universe, and you'll be faced with this (An Eagle in Your Mind) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9928536 * ARNIE - not strictly following the challenge guidelines, but a brilliantly topical pun nonetheless (nicestnihilist) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9923437 * TORY - even the most evil of sci-fi monsters have some limits, you know (Guy Incognito) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9925509 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scifiadvertising/ >> New challenge: Dangerous Hospitals << Imagine a world in which hospital was the last place you'd take a sick person: show us the terrifying surgical tools, the bad practice, and the scary staff http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hospitals/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SPIDERMAN WILL MAKE YOU GAY MEGAMIX - 9 years ago your GInger Fuhrer wrote a throwaway song called "I'm not gay" and mixed it with an animated gif of Spiderman dancing about. Here he revisits it for a quick history lesson: http://www.b3ta.com/links/Spiderman_will_make_you_... * TRACKSWAP - "It's like Youtube Swap but for music," writes bobsworthindustries,"Since many people were submitting music videos with Youtube Swap (and I discovered a few new artists who I like), I made a version just for music, which uses songs from Grooveshark. Discover new music thanks to internet strangers!" http://trackswap.bobsworthindustries.com/ * WEEBL TATTOO - pleasing to know web idiots are still tattooing Jonti's memes for all eternity onto their precious flesh. We're just personally glad our Hamster Dance tats will never go out of fashion. http://snurl.com/tastesjustlikeraisins ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Robot Unicorn Attack In what our own boarders are calling, "Probably the most lol-gay game in the world" comes your chance to live the unicorn dream. BTW: For a while we thought the music was Never Ending Story by Limahl but eventually we twigged is was Erasure. http://snurl.com/unicornattack ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * NANOBOTS THAT FLOSS TEETH - our dentist is moaning that we don't floss enough and we're trying but it's really painful. * ALCOHOL TO BE INCLUDED IN YOUR FIVE-A-DAY - *shakes fist at nanny state* * SOCKS ON ELASTICATED STRING - like gloves used to be. Then we'd never lose them, although we might garrotte our testes. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via Just Juan Cornetto, wuffle the space bunny, via injektilo, disco_doctor, NickHS, danielbevis, SetecAstronomy, Griffy Savalas, NickHS, @andertoons, @bonytoad, Timmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Bobsworth, cr3, SickRik, azerty, irishstu, pissflaps. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Thom90. Sickipedia gag via Tinpotbob. ------------------------------------------------- Cocaine is never a solution. Unless of course, you dissolve it in water. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive