we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "TOO MUCH GREAT STUFF TO POSSIBLY SUM UP IN ONE LINE OF PUNCHY COPY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * EXPLODE - Aerosol balloon bomb * WEEBL - Has a good wank * NAZIS - Hugo Boss fashion shock ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK eBay date, Fire-bomb and Wanking >> eBay a date << McPete pleads, "Could you link to my item in the newsletter? I've been stood up for a ball and need to find a replacement in the next two weeks else I'm £70 out of pocket." Heh, not a problem McPete. And we're sure you haven't been stood-up due to your handsome looks. http://snipurl.com/ebaydate >> Aerosol fire-bomb << "Although the newsletter in question was a few weeks ago", confides spacedmango, "I've made something involving an aerosol can. It's quite dangerous and I wouldn't condone anyone else ever doing it... I'm actually regretting it, as I now have no hair on my right arm and the hair on my head is singed." http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Weebl wanking shock << It's a weird thing to contemplate Jonti Picking masturbating, considering he has no genitalia and no hands. Errr we mean Weebl. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/stains/ ------------------------------------------------- : NAZI FASHION WATCH Wearing Hugo Boss? You're wearing fascism A bloke said to us the other day, "You know why SS Nazi uniforms looked so cool? They were designed by Hugo Boss." We thought this was just mental stoner babble, but nope, wikipedia agrees. "Hugo Boss established his company in Metzingen, Germany, in 1923, only a few years after the end of World War I. Before and during World War II, Mr. Boss's company both designed and manufactured uniforms and attire for the troops, officers and other governmental branches of Nazi Germany, including the SS. It is likely that the factory used forced labour." ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK The most cash I've ever carried Last week we asked for the stories behind the biggest wads of cash you've ever seen: http://b3ta.com/questions/themostcashevercarried/ Here's three stories of sums small, medium and scarily large. * Eighty seven pounds and forty two pence "I had not long turned six and was counting up my birthday money. My relatives had all given me some money, which all amounted to £87.42. With all this money, I decided that what I really wanted was a stereo. So, my mum takes me down to Comet and we have a look around. Then I see it. The stereo that I wanted. Needed. It was tall, black and shiny. The edges were sleek and it had big shining buttons on the front. We get it and go to the counter to pay. I take my £87.42 out of my dungarees pocket but unfortunately, being only six, I'm too small to reach the counter top. So my mum says she will pay. I take home my brand new shiny stereo and the £2.43 left over. A week later as I'm struggling to take my sparkling stereo upstairs to my bedroom, "What are you doing with that stereo?" "I'm taking it to my bedroom." "Why?" "Because it's mine and I want to listen to it in my bedroom." "Is it yours? It cost a lot of money, I don't think you did pay for it. I gave the man all that money, didn't I?" It stayed in the living room and I was most upset. My mum still claims that she paid for it, but I'll never forget what really happened, and when the time comes, I'm going to pick out the most hideous nursing home..." (Fluffy elephants) * Midget butt cheeks "The largest amount of cash I have had was £1000 to buy a second hand computer. I handed over my passport to the cashier as ID, and out fell a playing card which my flatmate had thoughtfully hidden inside. It was the six of diamonds, and the picture on it was of a grinning naked midget, looking over his shoulder and spreading his butt cheeks. There was also a hand written note saying "I am a ginger nobbler". The now hysterical cashier called at least four of his colleagues away from customers to come and have a look. The computer I bought broke after a month and the vendor couldn't be traced. My flatmate remains unrepentant." (browser) * Half a million dollars. In my kitchen. "I once worked on a project in an African American section of Miami, that required paying quite a large number of workers $100 each in a single day. (That's about 5,000 people, give or take a few hundred for surprises.) As a payroll person, I'd done this before, but I wasn't quite prepared for what management had planned: instead of writing checks, we would be lining up our workers at the end of the day and handing out envelopes with $100 bills in them... In the Miami ghetto. I'm sure it made sense to them, but to me the order came down like a death sentence. Two days later I'm sitting in my "secure location" (my kitchen) with half a million fresh-scented, milky-green U.S. dollars. The money, when stacked, filled two milk crates; when it came through the door, it felt like some otherworldly presence had just entered, accompanied by an ominous feeling of danger. Fortunately, the state of Florida allows for the purchase and sale of machine guns, so I spent the rest of the day stuffing wads of cash into envelopes with my roommate's AK-47 pointed at the door. After it was all counted and stuffed, it was picked up for delivery to several different sites around South Florida. I wasn't there to see it, but I was told that the carefully-formed lines of workers, upon realising that payment was in cash, disintegrated quickly into an impatient mob. There were gunshots and muggings and co-workers running for their lives. Don't you love decisions from the top?" (Mr Kearns) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your rock and roll stories. Tell us about the brown M&Ms here: http://b3ta.com/questions/rockandrollstories/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Spam scammer woodcarving << It's always good to see people like the 419eater bunch getting back at the irritating fraudsters who send that 'get rich quick' email shit. This particular trick, however, had the scammer running around and making detailed woodcarvings. We actually felt a moment of sympathy for the hapless schmuck. Bloody brilliant. And nice carving. http://www.419eater.com/html/john_boko.htm >> Original Kraftwerk vocoder << Somebody's flogging off a vocoder used by the cool-as-German-fuck man-machine synth pioneers. It looks the size of a house and comes encrusted with a liberal array of exciting knobs and levers. Old, old-school nerd porn. http://snipurl.com/scxm >> How not to pitch your script << Alas, it's parody, but we loved the idea of someone being of sufficient mentalosity to try getting 'Rapebear' (the bear who rapes) funding to be a big summer blockbuster. Sharp writing, how we wish it was non-fiction... http://snipurl.com/rapebear >> Stabby stab knife rack << It would take some sweet-talking to get one of these into the B3ta towers kitchen, but what a great idea - a rack that looks like the result of a particularly inept knife-thrower's act. http://snipurl.com/stabbystabstab >> How to open a coconut << Does exactly what it says on the URL. There's a whole series of these sites, that purport to teach you how to do things which in reality require a mere modicum of common-sense. We still spent ages debating the merits of their methods, which probably shows that they are onto something. People like discussing obvious things. http://www.howtoopenacoconut.com/ >> Piano burning << Bunch of students are moving house and need to get rid of the old piano. Enjoyed their rather feeble attempt to find it a new home before they succumb to the inevitable and, one drunken night, drag venerable instrument to the beach for a Viking send-off. http://pianoburning.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Japanese baby zoo Want your fluff organised by created and big enough for wallpaper? Thank Mr Null for sending this fine collection in. http://www.v2k.jp/baby-zoo/wall_back.html ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Keeping YouTube in ad revenue since 2006 Our YouTube addiction has reached such heights that we were there at 4 o clock in the morning, watching old Apple keynote speeches instead of writing the newsletter. BTW: Steve Jobs in 1984 looking very smug about his computer's ability to scroll text is a small moment of comedy gold. However we're not linking to that, we're linking to this: >> Why A Piano Is Like A Woman << Rich Hall creates the comedy character of a much-convicted country music singer called Otis Lee Crenshaw. You'll want to stick with this until the final line that had us sniggering for, oooh minutes. Also make sure you check out his equally brilliant 'He Almost Looks Like You' ode to being a prison bitch. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Bush: Sunday Bloody Sunday << We admit to not being overwhelmed when we heard the track as an mp3 a wee while back, but the accompanying, frenetically-edited vid of George W does Max Headroom is all kinds of good and now it all makes sense. http://video.google.com/videoplay >> Pickle terror << A girl terrified of pickled gherkins is traumatised by a trip to a pickle factory. Subsequently she is chased round a talk-show studio by the pickle-wielding host. In the future all TV will be like this. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Woman_with_extreme_pickl... >> Bonus quicky vid links << * DRUNK GUY ARRESTED http://youtube.com/watch * KITTEN IN A BOTTLE http://www.youtube.com/watch * NEW SPORT: LADDER RACING http://www.hedonistica.com/media.php * STEVIE WONDER FUNKING OUT ON KIDS' TV http://www.b3ta.com/links/Further_to_Stevie_Wonder... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAMES CORNER Mummy, this website sounds like 'penis' "Doing some research," fibs Ronen, "I came across this site and immediately thought of you guys. Childish minds think alike..." We wanted to hate this, but a small, nasty smile flickered across our ashen lips. Your mileage may vary. http://www.pnas.org ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * NEUTICLES, A DOG EXPERT WRITES - "The 'Neuticles' pet testicle implants are generally regarded as an underhand method of cheating in dog shows -- a dog can't win best of breed if - obviously - it can't breed, so judges are meant to check the dog's undercarriage is in working order. So if you've got a dog that's had its bollocks whipped off as a pup, Neuticles are a way of cheating to make the judge think that the dog is healthy in every respect. That's why the Neuticles site takes great pride in mentioning over and over that they feel almost exactly like the real thing - they're not freaks who like groping their own dog's testicles, they're just out to make a small fortune by helping scam dog shows." (raincannon) ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 'Pimp My UK Design' Challenge Last week The British Design Council wanted you to make some lovely pictures and promised to hand out some prizes. Their favourite was Zak McFlimby's traffic light that converted into a lovely street bench. So there's an Xbox 360 in the post for him. Also they have runners up prizes of a lovely B3ta t-shirt for Mutated Monty, Leningrad, Threepwood, wibblywobbly and Zak McFlimby. (again? is this thing rigged?) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/pimpmybritishdesign/ >> New challenge: Brits in space << After the B3ta team were sniggering in the pub about the crap UK space programme, we decided it might be a nice idea for a challenge. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/britsinspace/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : THANKS This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Clairebare, boyx, Vectrex Chav In A Box? Innit, stripeertw, Yank Meoff, squirrels emit silent screams, I_Am_Kloot and Else Lennox Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Clickwoos to b4ta. (1,000,000,000, ok 109357) ------------------------------------------------- : TOP TIPS * MARKER PENS "If you've accidentally used a permanent marker on a whiteboard or other smooth surface, fear not," exclaims Flowerpot. "The mark can easily be removed by using deodorant - even long after it's dried." It does kind of make a nonsense of something being 'permanent' though, if it's so easy to remedy. * SOLDERING "This does work but you have to be quick," confides dogboy. "When soldering, if you accidentally touch the tips of your fingers with the soldering iron, grab your hair and the heat dissipates really quickly, reducing pain. Honest." Although we reckon it might actually result in soldering your hand to your head. Anybody up for testing this one out? Hmm. Maybe not. ------------------------------------------------- : MODERATLY AMUSING JOKE SOMEONE EMAILED US Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?" ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK "Same shit different day? Stop being a wage slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs - now with added monkeys. Your boss fears us!" http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_jun30 next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive