we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 196: "PAUL DANIELS - WHITE SUPREMACIST?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CALL FOR CONTENT - the Shitty Tagline awards * IRONS - Man cooks breakfast with er... iron * SATANISTS - Your chance to sire the Anti-christ ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : SHITTY TAGLINE AWARD Royal Mail We were out the other day when the postie tried deliver a parcel. We were somewhat alarmed to find he'd pushed a red bit of card through the letterbox, branded with the slogan "With us it's personal." Clearly inspired by the tagline to Jaws: the Revenge (1987) and rather intimidating. What next - "We know where you live?" Which company has the worst tagline? Perhaps the place where you work? http://b3ta.com/mailus ------------------------------------------------- SATANISTS! This weekend is your last chance to concieve if you want He Who Walks Backwards' child born on 6/6/6. Any later and to be out then he'd be premature and perhaps a bit weedy. Go go Beelzebaby action. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Haribo, Irons & Best of newspaper pranks >> Haribo sculpture - take II << Sean Stayt has applied his formidable skills to last week's challenge: Make beautiful sculpture from melted Haribo sweets. As you can see, it was a glorious failure. Perhaps the hand of man is not meant to fashion art from the mighty Haribo. http://www.icandrawbetterthanyou.co.uk/sean/haribo... >> Cooking with irons << Inspired by last week's feature on frying eggs with mobile phones, Thomas Scott and chums went one better, preparing a full English breakfast with a steam iron as their only cooking device. We can't wait to smell their freshly-ironed shirts. Mmm. Porky. http://www.thomasscott.net/iron/ >> Best of CCC << Comely prankster CCC has collected up the best of his newspaper stunts, from the 'dogshit letters' to 'Juanzo the Wolf Boy'. There's a load of good stuff to read here, including his levitation fixated small ads phase. http://chrischrischris.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : ROBS TALK THING Buy your tickets now Rob is giving a talk on the history of b3ta and would love you to come. It will be fun - you'll get the chance to watch your Ginger Fuhrer make a complete fool of himself, or possibly even tell you some interesting stuff. And it's in a pub. You can't lose. http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/345 ------------------------------------------------- : ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush * On a bottle of single-malt whiskey, "I have a twelve year old upstairs and I am ready to party." * A mum on selecting corn on the cob from a supermarket "I always peel back the skin to see how fresh they are." * On discussing vareities of goats cheese, "This is a bit goatsy." Submit your quimsical suggestions: http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Dog shags Pokemon << Can this really be what it seems? The former National Canine Defence League (now Dogs Trust) a UK charity for, you guessed it, dogs, appears to be trying to drum up support for this randy little plushie-fucker. We'd adopt him - at least he cleans up after himself. http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/09/dog-shags-... >> Paul Daniels - white supremacist? << He's gone from pulling rabbits out of hats to burning crosses outside black people's homes. At least, this blog, purporting to be written by the family favourite magician features a standout quote about "a very camp waiter who, although black, did not know the words to 'Ole Man River'." http://journals.aol.co.uk/thepauldaniels/PaulDanie... >> Korn Again << Former Korn guitarist Brian 'Head' Welch has rejected rock and found God. And thank goodness - otherwise we wouldn't have this fantastic site, where the designers laid on the Christian stuff so thick, even the scroll bars are little cherubs - and Mr. Welch looks like a nut who thinks he's Jesus. Also worth looking at the CNN link that actually tells his story with a little more compassion. http://www.headtochrist.com/ >> "Mohammed was a paedophile" << Good old Jack Chick - we're long-time fans of his demented comicbook rants about anything he sees as anti-christian. This strip jumps out due to the sheer, unwarranted spleen he vents against Islam. And, yes, we were quoting him in the headline. http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1054/1054_01.a... >> Men doing dangerous things << A cheesy, but good, collection of pics of people putting themselves in immense danger in the defiance of simple common sense. http://www.gophergas.com/funstuff/womenlivelonger2... >> Bee dogs << In the tradition of 'does what it says in the url' sites like 'Dogs in Cars' and 'Cats in Sinks', comes this gallery of unfortunate hounds decked out like bees. Dunno why this is so popular, but who are we to question what is obviously a massive, spontaneous tribute to Sting in dog format? http://beedogs.com/index_files/page0001.htm >> "Where does my hole come out?" << If you've ever wondered (and we have) "If I dug a really deep hole in my back garden, where in the world would it come out?" then this site might well be for you. You geek. http://grad.icmc.usp.br/~cipriani/bighole.php ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Toilets Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked you about the weird and wonderful things that had happened to you in the toilet. Most of you had poo-stories to tell, and you can read them here: http://b3ta.com/questions/toilets/ * Newspapered toilet "Went for a long overdue wee in a posh-looking bar. Statues and paintings everywhere. Lots of arty-looking types. 'Excuse me, where's the bog?' I asked an overworked-looking barman, elbows deep in glasses and hot water, who casually nodded to the other side of the room. Door with a familiar symbol on it. Enter. Lock. Someone banging on door. Fuckit. Zip. Wang. Relief. Zip up. Notice that the whole WC is covered in newspaper. Everywhere. Everything, toilet included. WTF? Open door, exit. Met by a look of sheer horror on face of an arty type. I'd pissed in his art display." (pgfcello) * More newspapered toilets... "Moroccan toilets are famously bad; I blame the French influence. On a coach to Marrakech, we stopped for a loo break where they charged you the equivalent of three quid to crouch over a ceramic hole, behind a door made of woven straw that had all the opaqueness of glass, as a small, toothless, wizened old man leered at you as you pulled your keks down. What's more, 60 odd years before, my Grandmother was stuck in the same situation (also in Morocco), crouching down over a hole surrounded by newpaper. Strangely, the paper laid on the floor was her local newspaper back home in Blighty. Being a bit bored, she started reading the bit between her feet, and discovered her Brother had won the pools." (niceandwarmandhot) * It's shit. "I am 23, staggering in to the kitchen of my family home, fighting a hangover. I am wearing my trusty towelling dressing gown, and nothing else. I open the fridge door, with my back to the rest of the kitchen. I thought I was alone. I feel a rumbling. "Ah, I feel a little windy-pop a-rising!" I happily sing to myself, looking forward to the gas release relief. I squeeze a little - too hard in hindsight - and out pops a slimy, booze endued jobbie, right on the kitchen floor. I am slightly taken a back by this, but not overcome. That was until I shut the fridge door, turn around and see my Mum, Dad, Uncle, Auntie, Sister, Gran and Grandpa sitting quietly having tea and toasted crumpets." (T-Bone Sorbet Jnr) Thanks also to PacheyPie for posting various toilet signs. We like the one warning you about the crocodiles: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toilets/post39188/ >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us about your in-laws, mothers-in-law especially. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/inlaws/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Pimp My Pet Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to pimp up your pets. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pimpmypet/ We asked b3ta boarder Zoot to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Zoot writes - #1 "yeehaw! - It's a dog, driven by a cat, and it bounces! What more needs to be said? (mutated monty) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5072167 #2 "Pimp-o-matic - If you are going to pimp it, then you need one of these! (Mr Logic) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5076634 #3 "Vicci - She was one of the few actual pets entered, she was pimped to the max, and has sadly shed her mortal coils since becoming a b3ta star. We'll miss you, Vicci the tarantula." (curis) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5077506 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, b3ta contributor The Neville gave us the suggestion, "Movie Posters Of Your Life" http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/boringmovies/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BLACKING UP FOR B3TA - "I went to a fancy dress party at the weekend," writes Kelly. "I didn't spend the day blacked up, but I did drive through Streatham and have to stop in traffic right outside a big black wedding - my brother-in-law wound the windows down, but I managed to get him not to beep the horn. A few dirty looks came my way, luckily though I managed to avoid being pounded into the ground. This is what I looked like..." http://snipurl.com/blackingup * GEEK SONGS REDUX - Continuing our theme of nerds setting their daily routine to pop music, the lower orders are getting in on the act. Spassky writes "I'm a window cleaner and I like to sing the Phil Collins smash 'She's a Squeegee Lover'." Furthermore Divstee recalls "I used to work in a reprographics bureau. When one of the printers ground to a halt we would sing 'Paper jam, paper jam' to the tune of the Boney M hit 'Painter Man'." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * WIKI AS A POLITICAL FORCE - each day we read about another multi-national abusing the US legal system to patent the obvious, and stifling competition. We need a new charitable orginisation that uses the power of the community to find prior-art and raise objections to each and every invalid patent claim. * A NEW BREED OF STUPID PEOPLE - some of our favourite jokes are Irish. "Why do Irish dogs have flat noses? They chase parked cars" or even "Did you hear about the IRA terrorist who came to London to blow up a bus? He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe." But apparently the potato munchers get upset with this stuff. Who can we tell our jokes about now? * HUMAN YOGHURT - the production of yoghurt is actually quite simple. Anyone fancy trying to make it with breast milk? And eating it? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by amcemoni, gregmuir, sebastian winnett, alex.palmer, tomg, trev, el.rodente and therubberbishop. Top Tippery by PC Dave King. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Proofing by the slippy b4ta eels. (104590 - 28687) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Here's a suggestion from our local police: B3ta HQ suffered a recent attempted break-in Londons' finest suggested that instead of putting bars on the windows, we install window-boxes on the sills. Apparently they're difficult to clamber over, hence putting burglars off, and are more effective in cutting crime than both alarms and grills. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive