we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 171: "THE MEGA-SHITTER!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PIGS - aren't they great? * VIDEO - TV's Countdown secret clip * HUMAN ZOO - Collector man ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Lovely pig farm animation << Giant_squid wasn't cut out to be a corporate raider, he'd rather be a happy pig farmer. And wouldn't we all? Naive visuals complement a good-hearted lyric yearning for the simple life. http://www.nottingham.ac.uk/~pcxee/pig_flash.htm >> Countdown Uncut << B3tard-at-large Chicago Dave has unearthed unscreened footage of UK word-guessing game Countdown. His characteristic style and attention to detail made us chortle anew at quite an old joke. Or maybe it's just the swearing. http://www.geekgifts.co.uk/countdown/ >> Surreal advert mash << Sp3ccylad writes, "I've been pissing around with those Estonian ads you featured the other week and popping my own music on them." The result is quite entertaining viewing if you're a bit monged, as we were. http://www.sp3ccylad.com/daisychain.mov ------------------------------------------------- : ADVERT darreningram wins 50 word auction And here's what they wanted to say: "UNLIMITED worldwide press release distribution for £200 a year + VAT. M2 PressWIRE. So simple that even Wayne can use it. Unlimited, as in a Chavvy "all you can drink" Spanish holiday bar. Sending Goatse pictures over the service is forbidden. No offers or such bullshit, just a great service! http://www.M2.com >> Buy space in B3ta << We're not doing an eBay again in the immediate future. If you want to get in touch about advertising then just use the usual address. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO Compulsive Collector There's nothing *wrong* with obsession, it gives a little purpose to our otherwise pointless lives. However, to be obsessed with everything is a little sinister. And this butterfly killer seems to have started collecting anything he's ever come across. The only surprise is that in the picture of himself, he's not stood with 182 lookalikes. (Not that we're not a little jealous of his multi-ethnic Daleks.) http://www.tonystrading.co.uk/my-collections.htm ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Your little turn-ons. Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we naively asked for the little things that turn you on: http://b3ta.com/questions/turnons/ Here's a few of the, well, inexplicable things that rock your world: * Shoulder blades and spines * Midgets in German uniforms * Waitrose * Audio cables * Pakistani men * Knitting women * The motion of Victoria Line trains between Seven Sisters station and Finsbury Park * Answering this week's question in a crowded office * Reading this week's answers in a crowded office * Creme Eggs. Inserted vaginally. >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us your crappy claims to fame. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/claimstofame/ ------------------------------------------------- : SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE My big fat toilet There's no point in mincing words here: The Great John is a reinforced, super sturdy and comfort-enhanced toilet for the fatty who really needs a giant dump. We like the accompanying ad image of a chubby couple, so happy now they can have a poo without the bowl collapsing. http://greatjohn.com/grjodi.html ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Instant messaging angst cartoon << We've recently got quite into internet chat stuff and maybe that's why we enjoyed this humorous cover of a whiny rock song, almost despite ourselves. http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/blockedme.ph... >> Improving Art << Justin's auntie Joan sends him the same drippy Monet calendar every year. Bored, he began customising them with cheap, nasty stickers. The results are wonderfully surreal. http://www.justinspace.com/joansmonets/joansmonets... >> Nude boxing game hack << A little explanation needed: Some deeply disturbed individual took the original Nintendo game 'Mike Tyson's Punch Out' and altered the code so you could play it with naked, sexually-aroused fighters. This in-depth review gives you all the info you need never to have to play that shit for yourself. http://www.i-mockery.com/romhacks/nudepunchout/def... >> Miss McDonald's << Here in the UK, McDonald's is pretty much synonymous with 'huge evil corporation', so it's refreshing to see this eccentric Philippine lady's innocent delight in dressing up like the fast food giant's clownish frontman. http://www.livejournal.com/users/miss_mcdonald/ >> French disco lift gag << Coming over like a French Take Over TV skit, the funniest detail is the victim's total failure to act surprised on finding her lift full of disco dancing strangers. Instead she takes the stairs. C'est la vie. http://snipurl.com/cttu ------------------------------------------------- : STOP TELLING US * JOHN PRESCOTT is the number 1 result for "fuckwit" on Google. * COMIC RELIEF VIRALS made by your crappy agency are any good when clearly they are all shit. * FATBOY SLIM has made a video with kittens in in. The song sucks. ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH The section that almost didn't make it this week We had no cute stuff to run, not a fluffy thing in sight. This made us sad. Luckily Mr Monkeon found this bouncy goat. It looks so happy to be alive that we couldn't help but smile at its goaty exuberance. http://photos1.flickr.com/3757979_b6ae3d5797.jpg BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from 'New sports for toffs' Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to show us what the upper classes will do now that fox hunting has been banned. http://b3ta.com/challenge/toffsport We asked b3ta boarder AMX to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. AMX writes - #1 "Mock the Poor - from the tragedy of the countryside way of life being anally raped, comes the joy and international harmony of a new olympic sport. (VampireMonkeyOnSPeed) http://b3ta.com/board/4282589 #2 "Trooping the colour... of blood! - I would really like to see the queen take pot shots at her royal guards, just to see if they will stand still. (Beau Bo d'Or) http://b3ta.com/board/4293353 #3 "Chase me - playground humour is always the best, even public school playground humour." (hamchicken&peas) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4297536 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, the challenge dictator wants us to find anti-social behaviour to ban. http://b3ta.com/challenge/antisocial/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MULTI-COLOURED SHIT - Penguin weighs into our ongoing "does blue food make your poo blue too?" controversy. The results of his experiments with high doses of caffeine and green food colouring are useful, but ultimately fail to fully convince - isn't that just a thin glaze of green colour on the final, er, product? http://www.tomscan.com/goblin.htm * ROYAL STUFF - The Royal Family is a big, fat easy target and you gladly answered our calls for royal mockery. This in particular made us snort with laughter. http://media.cannedham.co.uk/flash/camilla/royalwe... * URL GUESSING CONUNDRUM - Thanks to the several people (including b3ta's own Cal) who sent us the solution to the fiendishly difficult geeky quiz we featured as Game of the Week in Issue 169. Now we know all the answers. But we're not telling anyone. Tee hee. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Trick ball challenge The controls on this ball-navigating, lunar lander-style game are very sensitive; so much so that it's like being Superman, playing keepy-uppy in a gale. The addictive bit is you always thing you can do just a little bit better each time. http://www.jmtb02.com/flash/metaphysik/metaphysik.... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * ROYALTY LOOK-A-LIKE PORN - hire one of those dickheads you see on those look-a-like sites and film them doing the nasty. Maybe that cabby who looks like Elton John eating Lady Di's shit. * PUBCUNT.COM - detailing all the tricks that can be done by cunts in a pub. From "have you ever seen a match burn twice?", where somone lights a match, blows it out, and then shoves the glowing ember into your face, to "Old McDonald had a whale" which was something about spitting beer in your friends faces. * PERPETUAL SPUNK MACHINE - live for ever by attaching a tube from your mouth to your cock and wanking day and night. Once you start you will be in enternal bliss and your stomach will always be full. Yummy. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson and the Wikiwoos. Links sent in by spiny, Faruk, furufuru and dom Top Tippery by hotlcp Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the still sinister b4ta cabal. (76875) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Candles never seem to last quite long enough. To prolong their humble span, freeze them for a few hours before burning. They stay alight for much longer, perhaps due to increased cold power. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive