# A few thoughts on Eris                       
Entry Number: 00001  
Setting Orange, the 10th of Chaos 3186 YOLD

---

## Who is Goddess? How may I come to know her better?

These are simple questions we all have that are nigh impossible to truely
answer. How do you pin down and fully comprehend a force of nature? We could
try math. By chance, we may find a complex theorum after years of research
that may give us a glimmer of understanding of Eris in all her chaotic glory.
The problem with math, though, is that it leads one down the path of creating
order from disorder. This way leads to bureaucracy.

>    "Gird not up thy loins for battle, but wear an evening gown so
>    that thy enemy might flirt with thee as if thou were a rabbit."
>    
>                          -The Right Honorable Jean Luc Riker

The ancient wisdom of the Principia Discordia instructs us to consult our pineal
gland when seeking to understand Goddess. This is quite difficult for some of
us. Perhaps you should try to consult a more external gland? I hear sebaceous
glands can be quite talkative.

-<🍏>-

Saint Tiwesdaeg Twohands  
Grand Librarian of the Bureaucratic Order of Obtuse Kodexes

************************************************************

# The Book of Turtle
Entry Number: 00002  
Pungenday, the 65th of Discord 3186 YOLD

---

## Chapter 1

1. The great prophet Turtle was born in the land of mud. Great were the 
afflictions upon the land of mud, because of the wickedness of its inhabitants.

2. And it came to pass the the great prophet Turtle did look upon the land of
his birth and did weep, the the sorrow in his heart was great for the
iniquities of the inhabitants thereof.

3. For the people did seek to create perfect order in all the ways and dealings
of their lives, and did create great bureaucracies to manage the minutae.

4. And so it was, that the inhabitants of the land were unable to perform simple
tasks such as eating, sleeping, or fornicating, without first completing the
specific form and schedule in quadruplicate and filing said forms and schedules
with the proper bureucratic authorities.

5. And there were many governmental departments organized to oversee the proper
completion of paperwork and executions of regular, so-called, random inspections
to ensure compliance of all rules and regulations such as the Department of
Defecation or the Ministry of Proper Picture Frame alignment.

6. And the people did slowly drown in the mire of bureaucratic processes they
placed upon themselves and there was much stifling of creativities and
meriments and all things joyous unto Eris.

## Chapter 2

1. And it came to pass, that the great prophet Turtle did seek to free the
people of the land of mud.

2. And in the three thousand one hundred and eighty sixth Year of our Lady
Discord, the great prophet Turtle did go among the people of the land of mud.

3. And he did remove the garments from his body, without first filing a form
CLH-8229.689 Schedule 7B.

4. And the people did marvel in wonderment at this prophet, for they did not
know such a feat was possible.

5. So confused and amazed were the people of the land of mud that they began to
shake and fall to earth in great numbers without completing the proper forms
first.

6. Thus it was, that the spirit of chaos was upon their hearts and they weeped
great tears of joy and freedom, praising the the chaos that had opened their
eyes and minds to the truth.

7. And it came to pass, that when the great prophet Turtle did see the fruits of
his labor and did note that they were good, he did set upon his head a sheaf of
discarded bureaucratic forms and declared himself king of the napkins.

-<🍏>-

Saint Tiwesdaeg Twohands  
Grand Librarian of the Bureaucratic Order of Obtuse Kodexes

************************************************************

# On the Subject of Chickens
Entry Number: 00003  
Pungenday, the 22nd day of Confusion 3186 YOLD

---

There once was a chicken from Oxford who was known throughout the land as
Heinrich. Heinrich was adorned as many chickens are with feathers, a comb,
wattles, and a beak. Where he strayed from the stereoytpe was his prediliction
for wearing shoes. You may ask, "How can a chicken wear shoes?" This is a silly
questions and you should go sit with your nose in the corner and contemplate
Euler's formula for complex numbers.

A pair of shoes gave Heinreich incredible stamina when it came to walking. He
was wont to visiting far off lands. One day, he ventured in to the land of
sleep. Everyone throughout the land of sleep slept like the dead. In fact, they
were dead.

Heinrich took this opportunity of an immobile audience to preach his ideas on
the duality of mankind, as was written by the great prophet Private Joker. In
all of us we have the potential for peace and for war. Both beget the other in a
neverending cycle. All is chaos.

-<🍏>-

Saint Tiwesdaeg Twohands  
Grand Librarian of the Bureaucratic Order of Obtuse Kodexes

************************************************************

# Eristic Nonsense                       
Entry Number: 00004  
Setting Orange, the 24th of Confusion 3186 YOLD

---

## Ode to the Cabbage Mockers

When I was a child  
I wanted nothing more  
Than a silly little doll  
Which made my parents poor

Then my eyes were opened  
Cards with stickers adorned  
Mocking cabbage imagery  
These dolls looked so forlorn

I knew now of the plot  
To steal our freedoms fair  
With cute eyes, clothing and hair  
These cabbages beware


## Sandwich

Eris stole my food  
A perfect tuna sandwich  
I'm very hungry  

I like to hide things  
Like chiles in sandwiches  
In case of food theft


-<🍏>-

Saint Tiwesdaeg Twohands  
Grand Librarian of the Bureaucratic Order of Obtuse Kodexes

************************************************************

# Two and Three
Entry Number: 00005  
Setting Orange, the 29th of Confusion 3186 YOLD

---

## The Math

Evaluate: 2 + 3 = 5

Never has there been a more perfect equation. If we delve deep in to eristic
mathmetical theory, we find that 5 is everywhere. It is also found that this
more holy union of 2 and 3 brings us closer to understanding the fundamental
nature of chaos, which we fundamentally can not understand.


## Five Principles to Live By

1. Understanding that you can never fully understand everything is the path to
understanding nothing, which is everything.

2. Apples are not bananas, but they still taste great.

3. Without darkness, there is no light. Without evil, there is no good. Without
donuts, there are no cops. Withought Eris, there is no chaos and that just won't
do.

4. Have you checked your 5th dimensional corners for lose change today?

5. Five golden rings are worth way more than a bunch of birds.

-<🍏>-

Saint Tiwesdaeg Twohands  
Grand Librarian of the Bureaucratic Order of Obtuse Kodexes

************************************************************

# The Holy Sacrament
Entry Number: 00006  
Setting Orange, the 10th of Chaos 3186 YOLD

---

## What is the Holy Sacrament?

We are taught in the 3rd commandment of the PENTABARF that a Discordian must 
joyously partake of a Hot Dog on Friday. I find it quite interesting that
Malacalypse the Younger revealed to us that this should occur on a day of the
pagan Gregorian calendar and not the superior Discordian calendar. I think this
may have been related to the fact that the Discordian sacrament is meant to
reminstrate against a large number of arbitrary religious commandments, most of
which are from religions that utilize the Gregorian calendar.

Let's delve deeper in to the list of reasons we eat of the Hot Dog.

* Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday)
* Judaism (no meat of Pork)
* Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef)
* Buddhists (no meat of animal)
* Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns)

Here we really come to understand the silliness of arbitrary religious rules.
Let's stick it to the cabbage and break those rules. 

## How to partake of the Holy Sacrament

Any old average Discordian can take a piece of tube meat and slap it in a bun.
If you really want to make a statement, get those fancy condiments out. In
a soon to be released entry in the Quinaria Discordia, I will be providing
various Hot Dog recipes. My current favorite is the Seattle Dog.

Now that you have properly adorned your Hot Dog with the vestments of authority,
shove it in your mouth get to chewing. Yum! Eris approves.

## What it means to partake of the Holy Sacrament

I am not capable of providing you with spirtual meaning and understanding with
my own words. So instead, I am presenting you with this quote.


> The implication of a hotdog being puréed meat in animal casing (intestine)
> is that a hotdog doesn't stop being a hotdog even after we eat it. By
> that conclusion, we, as the hotdog's casing, become hotdogs ourselves when
> we eat hotdogs.
>
>                    			-u/applepie1000


I'm a Hot Dog. You're a Hot Dog. We're all Hot Dogs. Hail Eris!

---

I leave you with one more piece of wisdom.


> Don't get hot and flustered,
> Use a bit of mustard.
> You're a hot dog, but you'd better not try to hurt her,
> Frank Furter
> You're a hot dog, but you'd better not try to hurt her,
> Frank Furter
> You're a hot dog!

-<🍏>-

Saint Tiwesdaeg Twohands  
Grand Librarian of the Bureaucratic Order of Obtuse Kodexes

************************************************************

# Iluminati Appreciation Day                       
Entry Number: 00007  
Prickle-Prickle, the 43rd Confusion 3186 YOLD

Let's take a moment to appreciate the yang to our ying, the Bavarian Illuminati, 
without who we would be unable to fully understand true chaos.

By the authority invested in me as a Discordian Saint, I declare the 43rd of
Confusion to officially be Illuminati Appreciation Day. Here are some exciting
ways you can celibrate this holy day.

* Cut out the Eye of Providence (That scary looking pyramid seal with the eye on
top) from a dollar bill and stick it to your forehead. Use it as a conversation
starter with coworkers and family to better educate them on the heinous acts of
ths Bavarain Illuminati.

* Put on a cloak and a mask and pretend to plot to take over the world, while
in fact plotting how to incorporate cabbage in your dinner plans.

* Get your friends together to discuss local zoning ordinances, while using
parlimentary procedure. If this is too tedious, just throw mud at each other.

* Develop secret handshakes and signs, then try them out on your dog or cat.

It has to be pretty rough being a member of the Bavarian Illuminati. If you know
a member, you should go out and give them a big hug. They probably really need
one. Maybe bake them a cake. We have to keep them guessing.

---

-<🍏>-

Saint Tiwesdaeg Twohands  
Grand Librarian of the Bureaucratic Order of Obtuse Kodexes