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#Post#: 70290--------------------------------------------------
Some of the funniest Amazon reviews I have seen.....
By: AaaaaaandImDone Date: April 5, 2017, 12:09 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
HTML http://i.imgur.com/kXrRfTYm.jpg
I gingerly climbed on top of the plastic contraption now ringing
my porcelain throne. It soon became apparent that I couldn't
keep my britches at my ankles as I normally did. No, they had to
go entirely, along with my underthings. And if there is anything
more ridiculous on this planet than the sight of a human man
wearing a t-shirt and nothing else, I have yet to experience it.
So in the interest of saving myself this unfortunate view, I
doffed the shirt as well. Now entirely naked, I again attempted
to step onto the device. I was unsure, but it seemed to hold. I
settled down to the seat, with only the extremities of my
posterior touching. My knees were up at my chest. This, plus my
complete nakedness, felt very primal. It felt third-world and
adventurous. It felt... RIGHT. I concentrated on the task at
hand. I had felt a slight urge to go, and had been eager to try
out the new purchase. I had been intrigued by the promise that
my business would henceforth require substantially less effort
on my part, because of the wild beast–man position it forced
upon me. But I was still skeptical. It sounded too good to be
true. Surely the difference couldn't be that dras— HOLY HELL I'M
POOPING.
Well, let me clarify. It wasn’t so much that I was dropping a
deuce. Oh, it was being dropped; that much was undeniable. But I
couldn't really claim agency on said descent. Gravity was doing
the work. I was merely the meaty husk from which it made its
hasty escape. Used to more of a segmented approach to waste
disposal, I was quite surprised that the creature making its
egress from my nethers had more the appearance of a python.
Smooth, and consistent in width, it coiled luxuriously in a pool
of toilet water that is (or at least was) cleaner than the water
that most of the people on this planet drink. As it continued to
coil, my emotional state flowed from one of surprise, to horror,
to amazement, and then again to horror as the snake coiled
higher and higher, like soft serve ice cream at an
all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. It was now surfacing above the
water line. But still, the snake showed no signs that it was
anywhere near finished with its journey. In a panic, I pawed at
the flusher. The poor toilet strained, but eventually sent
things on their way. But I wasn’t done yet. As the toilet
flushed the waste away, more came to replace it. As the flush
subsided, the coil started anew. And then I was done. I tried to
catch my breath as the toilet flushed a second time. I felt my
liver shift and expand, unsure what to do with all the extra
space now afforded to it. I cleaned up and stood, almost dizzy
after the affair. “Wow. A+++”, I thought to myself. “Would poop
again.”
“Very well,” my bowels seemed to answer, “let’s have another
go!”
“Surely you’re joking”, I thought, scrambling to once again work
myself into proper Tarzanic stance. There couldn’t possibly be
anything left inside of me. I genuinely began to worry that what
would come out next might be some vital organ, brought to a
freedom-seeking frenzy by all the commotion. But no, it was yet
another perfectly formed tube of human excrement. I sat, mouth
agape, as number two (round two) breached the water line and
came to a graceful finish, leaving an improbable conical shape
below me. As I flushed the toilet for the third time in what had
astoundingly only been about 70 seconds I wondered if life would
ever be the same again.
#Post#: 70292--------------------------------------------------
Re: One of the funniest Amazon reviews I have seen.....
By: AaaaaaandImDone Date: April 5, 2017, 12:26 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Another for Haribo's Suger Free Gummy Bears.....
1.0 out of 5 stars
Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate.
ByChristine E. Torokon October 3, 2012
Verified Purchase
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating
these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can
tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens
of people that tried my order, RUN!
First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft,
true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a
happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of
these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience
like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating
beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad
shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared
to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the
sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the
stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to
stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone
tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my
sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was
a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic
waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a
bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I
could imagine possible.
AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.
I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been
sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff
coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.
I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting
HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking
it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar
substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic
descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off
my hands.
Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her
while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the
bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would
have listened. I think she was crying.
Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were
exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99%
of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company,
where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers,
etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets
on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and
women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs,
crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it
down the ladder, or if they should just jump.
If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post
a video review during the aftershocks.
PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and
legalese were NOT posted. I'm not a moron. Also, not sure why so
many people assume I'm a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of
course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of
wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I've been
enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I
experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people
smile.
5.0 out of 5 stars
These hellbeasts do their job
ByBrian B.on April 2, 2017
Verified Purchase
These delicious little demon bears are amazing. Having heeded
the warnings, I purchased the 5 lb bag for laughs, but only ate
three of these little guys. However, the fun began when I
brought them into work...
I work for a major airline, and brought the bag into work as an
April Fools prank. Clearly warning my coworkers not to eat more
than five, I set out the bag and watched as they started digging
into the bag. Keep in mind they are mostly "ramp rats" (people
who work on the ramp for the airline), a field where about 95%
of the employees are male, with only a single toilet available.
Fast forward about two hours - they start dropping like flies.
Agents that had just left are calling off for the next day, and
several of them are playing "hot potato" in the Men's restroom
for the throne. We have inbound flights waiting for them to hold
it in long enough to park them at the gates, and passengers
angry about what is going on downstairs.
To all the passengers affected by these little beasts, I'm
sorry.
4.0 out of 5 stars
**WARNING**
ByBigDChapoon December 9, 2016
Verified Purchase
Get ready to put $300 down. Youll need to call a plumber...
5.0 out of 5 stars
First, to be clear, all of the dire ...
ByScottPon March 2, 2017
Verified Purchase
First, to be clear, all of the dire warnings you read about
these are true. If you don't respect the gummi, they definitely
won't respect you, or more to the point, your digestive tract.
That being said they are delicious. We just ordered our third
5lb bag in as many months. They make a low-carb diet that much
more tolerable. Eat them in moderation and impress your friends
with your flatulent virtuosity.
5.0 out of 5 stars
You Have to Try These!
ByTon February 27, 2014
Verified Purchase
These beautifully crafted artificially sweetened bears of
laughter and joy are well worth the purchase. Following
consumption of approximately 50 of these little boogers (they
taste fantastic by the way. Imagine a bear, now shrink it down
to edible fun size, now turn it into candy and then breed it
with a gummy worm; because bear is the dominant gene the
offspring will look like a bear but have the great chewy
consistency of a worm.) it didn't take but a mere 3 hours for
the anticipated rumblies to hit me in the stomach....and hit me
hard indeed. Going back to the flavor again, I really found it
difficult to stop eating them--I would have consumed more but I
was taking my younger brother out to movie theater for his
birthday and in the event these bears worked expediently I
didn't dare eat over 50. So there I sit in a crowded movie
theater with my 14 year old brother watching the Lego Movie,
amongst a crowd of 10 year olds. The rumblies roared loud and
proud and I knew the inevitable was going to happen soon. With
mere minutes left in the film, pressure had to be released--air
began making an immediate exodus from the southern exit---an
escape which lasted for several minutes of passing waves.
Thankfully, the sound was barely noticeable, and the smell--well
it could have been blamed on anyone near me. Somehow, I manage
to make it through the end of the movie and make the 20minute
drive back home. Upon stepping into the house however, the
rumblies struck again but this time they hit much lower than the
stomach! Assuming this was my body's way of screaming "Run!", I
darted to the bathroom. My assumption was correct, no sooner had
I set down than the fruits of my labor were born into the world.
The rate at which fecal matter passed from me was nothing short
of magnificent. Imagine dropping a submarine from the sky into a
shallow lake, and then seconds later an ocean falls from above
in order to give the U-boat sufficient room to swim. it was
glorious. 30mintues of torrential fecal downpour, and 4 courtesy
flushes later, and the deed was finished. Thank you sweet little
bears for the wonderful experience.
2.0 out of 5 stars
Don't eat more than 5 at a time or else!
ByC. Parkeron August 22, 2014
Verified Purchase
I have donated my body to science for this review:
Day one. I got my 5 lbs in the mail. Opened it and grabbed a few
handfuls. I took more than 20 but less than 24 little bears. I
have had some items with "sugar alcohols" before so I knew this
wasn't going to be an all you can eat type item. They are really
good, very sweet and soft. 2 hours later my stomach started to
gargle and I had my first bout of diarrhea. An hour after that
tiny ninjas started to slice my intestines. Gas pain so bad I
doubled over many times. Then the gas started flowing. Bad, once
per 5 min or so. 5 hours into this my wife got me some gas-ex,
at least the pain was over.
Update 9/21/2016 : Two years later I still have about a pound
left. These are a great item to buy if you want to go on a diet.
Day two. I took to servings, exactly 12 total. Having gas-ex on
hand I though I would be safe. Took the two hours for the gas,
ninjas and diarrhea to hit me. I took the gas-ex at first sign,
so the fight was mediocre and over quickly. Clearly 12 was to
much.
Day three. Took one serving, 6 total. Felt a little gargling a
few little farts, pretty good.
Day four. Took 5 (yes 5 total little bears). No singes of any
side effects. Perfect. So 5 is the answer. 5. This 5 lbs bag
will last you one year and teach you to eat in moderation, or
else.
So the picture included in this auction of six gummies, means
you eat six. Or 5?
ps. I am 6'2" 249lbs. Results will vary. If you start with 20 at
one time, don't say I didn't tell you so.
#Post#: 70294--------------------------------------------------
Re: Some of the funniest Amazon reviews I have seen.....
By: guest504 Date: April 5, 2017, 1:09 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Review of the Nerf N-Strike Elite Mega CycloneShock Blaster
HTML https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00U5UDFU2/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1
4.0 out of 5 starsWife hates this. Buy it now.
ByJonathan Hambyon February 17, 2015
Product Packaging: Standard Packaging|Verified Purchase
My kids are not nice. I usually am just chillin on my couch and
they come running in like a bunch a jerks screaming NERF OR
NOTHIN! What a idiotic battle cry. I got sick of it. I bought
this thing and hid it in my bathroom. See, they love to chase me
into the bathroom while pelting me with darts and disks. I
usually go in there and regret my poor life choices but not
today no... not today. Today they eat rubber tipped foam mega
dart glory. I pulled the CycloneShock from under the sink and
wasted them. This gun hits like a tank, the barrel auto rotates
after each shot and feels sturdy. They went crying to their mom.
I blasted them screaming, "NERF OR NOTHING RIGHT C'MON GUYS!"
Accuracy -
The darts fly straight and accurately. They whistle as they go
through the air, this has an added effect of making your kids
pee themselves. Hilarious.
Reload-
The reload is a pain, you have to front feed the darts one at a
time.
Quality-
The gun feels solid, well as solid as piece of plastic could I
guess. However, it's clear that it isn't going to fall apart.
When you are fighting with the kids you want to intimate, now
don't put em in therapy. Just put the fear of dad in em. My sons
laughed as they ran through the house. Your wife will hate this,
buy it.
#Post#: 70298--------------------------------------------------
Re: Some of the funniest Amazon reviews I have seen.....
By: MickeysGrenade Date: April 5, 2017, 1:25 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Can't find that brand on ebay in sugar-free. Damnit, I NEED
those bears!
#Post#: 70299--------------------------------------------------
Re: Some of the funniest Amazon reviews I have seen.....
By: MickeysGrenade Date: April 5, 2017, 1:27 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I meant Amazon
#Post#: 70300--------------------------------------------------
Re: Some of the funniest Amazon reviews I have seen.....
By: PaddyUSA Date: April 5, 2017, 4:09 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=AaaaaaandImDone link=topic=4377.msg70290#msg70290
date=1491412193]
HTML http://i.imgur.com/kXrRfTYm.jpg
I gingerly climbed on top of the plastic contraption now ringing
my porcelain throne. It soon became apparent that I couldn't
keep my britches at my ankles as I normally did. No, they had to
go entirely, along with my underthings. And if there is anything
more ridiculous on this planet than the sight of a human man
wearing a t-shirt and nothing else, I have yet to experience it.
So in the interest of saving myself this unfortunate view, I
doffed the shirt as well. Now entirely naked, I again attempted
to step onto the device. I was unsure, but it seemed to hold. I
settled down to the seat, with only the extremities of my
posterior touching. My knees were up at my chest. This, plus my
complete nakedness, felt very primal. It felt third-world and
adventurous. It felt... RIGHT. I concentrated on the task at
hand. I had felt a slight urge to go, and had been eager to try
out the new purchase. I had been intrigued by the promise that
my business would henceforth require substantially less effort
on my part, because of the wild beast–man position it forced
upon me. But I was still skeptical. It sounded too good to be
true. Surely the difference couldn't be that dras— HOLY HELL I'M
POOPING.
Well, let me clarify. It wasn’t so much that I was dropping a
deuce. Oh, it was being dropped; that much was undeniable. But I
couldn't really claim agency on said descent. Gravity was doing
the work. I was merely the meaty husk from which it made its
hasty escape. Used to more of a segmented approach to waste
disposal, I was quite surprised that the creature making its
egress from my nethers had more the appearance of a python.
Smooth, and consistent in width, it coiled luxuriously in a pool
of toilet water that is (or at least was) cleaner than the water
that most of the people on this planet drink. As it continued to
coil, my emotional state flowed from one of surprise, to horror,
to amazement, and then again to horror as the snake coiled
higher and higher, like soft serve ice cream at an
all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. It was now surfacing above the
water line. But still, the snake showed no signs that it was
anywhere near finished with its journey. In a panic, I pawed at
the flusher. The poor toilet strained, but eventually sent
things on their way. But I wasn’t done yet. As the toilet
flushed the waste away, more came to replace it. As the flush
subsided, the coil started anew. And then I was done. I tried to
catch my breath as the toilet flushed a second time. I felt my
liver shift and expand, unsure what to do with all the extra
space now afforded to it. I cleaned up and stood, almost dizzy
after the affair. “Wow. A+++”, I thought to myself. “Would poop
again.”
“Very well,” my bowels seemed to answer, “let’s have another
go!”
“Surely you’re joking”, I thought, scrambling to once again work
myself into proper Tarzanic stance. There couldn’t possibly be
anything left inside of me. I genuinely began to worry that what
would come out next might be some vital organ, brought to a
freedom-seeking frenzy by all the commotion. But no, it was yet
another perfectly formed tube of human excrement. I sat, mouth
agape, as number two (round two) breached the water line and
came to a graceful finish, leaving an improbable conical shape
below me. As I flushed the toilet for the third time in what had
astoundingly only been about 70 seconds I wondered if life would
ever be the same again.
[/quote]
Rings of one of those elite Yelpers comments..long winded and
unfunny.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
#Post#: 70335--------------------------------------------------
Re: Some of the funniest Amazon reviews I have seen.....
By: richietea2007 Date: April 7, 2017, 7:38 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Looks like these are doing the same damage.
HTML https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sugar-Free-Jelly-Teddy-Bears/dp/B004703WBI
#Post#: 70355--------------------------------------------------
Re: Some of the funniest Amazon reviews I have seen.....
By: MickeysGrenade Date: April 7, 2017, 3:34 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
No eligible for prime, but thanks Ritchie :sad:
#Post#: 70356--------------------------------------------------
Re: Some of the funniest Amazon reviews I have seen.....
By: FhYikGwAlOU Date: April 7, 2017, 4:18 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=MickeysGrenade link=topic=4377.msg70355#msg70355
date=1491597298]
No eligible for prime, but thanks Ritchie :sad:
[/quote]
Tell them you have 200 billion WG silvers and they may give you
a free membership! :thumb: :troll:
#Post#: 70371--------------------------------------------------
Re: Some of the funniest Amazon reviews I have seen.....
By: billybobs Date: April 8, 2017, 3:14 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
forget the written reviews of the squatty potty watch the video
!!!!
HTML https://youtu.be/KlEovr29KBU
just follow th link its very funny.
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