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#Post#: 17911--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: XBattleAxeX Date: January 20, 2015, 8:59 am
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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini,
Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest
slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father .... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from
our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to
hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you
have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with
sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes
twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you
did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people
under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of
the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you
are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have
one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
#Post#: 17928--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: six rashers Date: January 20, 2015, 10:20 am
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A guy living in the west of Ireland finds a lamp on the beach.
After giving it a rub a Genie pops out and offers him one wish
and one wish only.
Now this guys brother had emigrated years ago to New York and he
hadn't seen him at all. So after some thought he asked the Genie
to build him a highway to New York as he is afraid to fly and
gets sea sick so he would prefer to drive back and forth
whenever he wants.
The Genie looked at him in astonishment and asked him had he any
idea of the scale of what he was asking. It would take millions
of tons of steel and concrete. Surely there was something else
he wanted.
The guy thought about it again and remembered he had a fight
with his wife the previous evening. He asked the Genie would he
be able to explain to him how women think.
The Genie looked at him and said................................
"How many lanes would you like on that highway"
#Post#: 17963--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: Maddog STS Date: January 20, 2015, 3:22 pm
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lolz @ six rashers' joke!
#Post#: 17967--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: Guderian 9139 Date: January 20, 2015, 4:14 pm
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Hell, three great ones in a row! :bigsmile:
Bless me Father for I have sinned...
"I was with a girl of loose morals"
"Is that you, Joey Pagano?"
"y-Yes Father, it is"
"And who was this girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation"
"Sure and I'll find out eventually, Joey so tell me now...was it
Nina Minetti?"
"Noo Father, I cannot say"
"Come now, son, was it Cathy Mooney?"
"I'll never tell"
"Rosa D'Angelo? I know she was at that party..."
"Please Father, I'll never ever say."
The priest sighs in frustration, "You're a tight-lipped one,
Joseph, I'll give ye that. But you've sinned and need to atone.
Six Hail Marys and you cannot be an altar server for the whole
month. Now go and behave yourself"
Joey walks back to the pew. His friend slides over and whispers
"what'd you get?"
Joey grins and says "a month vacation and three good leads"
#Post#: 17968--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: Guderian 9139 Date: January 20, 2015, 4:27 pm
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The husband had just finished reading the book:
The MAN of the house and stormed right into the kitchen to
confront his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you
to know I am the Man of this house and my word is law!
I want a gourmet meal tonight, and while I'm eating, make me a
delicious cheesecake for dessert.
Afterwards, you will draw me a bath and when I'm finished, guess
who's going to dress me for my rest?"
His wife replied,
"The fucking Funeral Director would be my guess"
#Post#: 17990--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: six rashers Date: January 21, 2015, 6:00 am
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I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a
beer, when a
butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on
the ass.
She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”
I looked at her said, ”Have you got a pen.”
She said, “I sure do."
I said, “ Well, you better get back into it before the farmer
notices you’re
missing.”
My dental surgery is on Monday
#Post#: 18011--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: Maddog STS Date: January 21, 2015, 10:33 am
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Be On the Look Out: Wife missing in Texas
　
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has
not come home....
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember
exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost
3.5L V6 engine special ordered with 6 speed auto transmission.
It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather
seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with brake
controller,gold hitch, and a set of swinging balls. DVD with
navigation, 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power
outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. A
K&N air filter too. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers
door.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
#Post#: 18019--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: Guderian 9139 Date: January 21, 2015, 11:28 am
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Missing Wives
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing carts around
the market when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, "I'm sorry...I was looking
for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention."
The young guy says, Oh, that's OK. I'm looking for my wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old timer says, Hmm, maybe we can help each other. What
does your wife look like?"
"Well, she's 24 and tall with red hair and big green eyes and
big boobs. She's wearing tight white shorts and a halter top.
What does your wife look like?"
The old timer says, "doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
#Post#: 18027--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: mrzip98 Date: January 21, 2015, 12:05 pm
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An older couple were out one day working in their garden. The
man got the surprise of his life when his wife hit him hard,
sending him face first into the dirt.
"What the hell was that for?" he asked.
"That was for thirty years of bad sex," she replied.
The man stood up, brushed himself off, and went back to work. A
few minutes later, he knocked his wife a good one, sending her
to the ground.
"What was that for?" she asked.
"That, my dear," he replied, "was for knowing the difference."
#Post#: 18036--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: Guderian 9139 Date: January 21, 2015, 12:27 pm
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The Polite way to excuse oneself
During one of her daily classes, a teacher was trying to teach
good manners to her students...
"Michael, if you were having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Excuse me, I have to pee"
The teacher responded, "No, that would be impolite...how about
you, Frankie? How would you excuse yourself?"
Frankie said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the
bathroom; I'll be right back."
The teacher replied, "That is better, but it isn't very nice to
use the word bathroom at the dinner table. Vincent, what would
you say?"
Vinnie leaned back in his chair and says, "Darling, may I please
be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear
friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
The teacher had to walk into the hall...
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