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#Post#: 17654--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: Guderian 9139 Date: January 15, 2015, 12:17 pm
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Straight outta New Yawk
A young blonde woman was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by jumping off the 59th St. Bridge.
As she teetered on the edge of the bridge, crying, a young
sailor took pity on her.
"Look" he said, "You have so much to live for! Tomorrow we are
shipping off to Europe and if you like I can stow you away on my
ship. You can start a new life in Europe. I'll take good care
of you and bring you food every day"
The blonde dried her eyes and said " how can I ever repay you?"
"Just let me make love to you at night..."
She agreed.
That night the sailor brought her on board and stowed her in a
lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a
piece of fruit after which they made passionate love.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered
by the Captain.
"What are you Doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of your sailors" she explained,"
I am getting free passage to Europe and he is screwing me"
"He certainly is" the Captain replied, "This is the Staten
Island Ferry"
#Post#: 17668--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: Guderian 9139 Date: January 15, 2015, 3:20 pm
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Three Catholic men and a lady are having coffee
The first man tells his new friends, "My son is a Priest. When
he walks in, people call him Father"
The next man replies, "Well, my son is a Bishop. When he walks
into a room, people call him Your Grace"
The third man says, "My son is the Cardinal. When he arrives,
people call him Your Eminence"
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
the three men give her a subtle, "Well...?"
She proudly replies, "My daughter is only 24 but she is tall,
slender,
38Ds with a 24" waist and 34" hips...
When she walks into a room, people say Oh my GOD"
:salute:
#Post#: 17685--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: habfan70 Date: January 16, 2015, 7:49 am
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One year in my early days, I was at a hockey referee summer
training camp with actual NHL referees and one of them told this
joke and I never forgot:
A construction worker was working on a ten-story high-rise
laying bricks on a downtown development. As he was working
away, he turned around to grab another brick and accidentally
knocked a brick off the platform he was working on and it
started to fall towards the sidewalk below where a pedestrian
was walking just underneath him, so the worker yelled out
"Falling Brick!". The pedestrian jumped out of the way just in
time and the brick narrowly missed him. The worker climbed down
and apologized to the man, who in turn said:
"Thanks buddy, you saved my life, let me repay you by giving you
this $100", the worker said "I'm sorry sir but I can't take your
money, I was only doing my job and I caused the accident in the
first place". The man insisted that the worker take the money
and went on his way. Standing there a little bewildered, the
worker got to thinking that this may be a way to make some extra
money, so he went back up to the work platform and start looking
for "victims" when he seen another man approaching. The worker
thought 'this guys looks promising' and as he passed underneath
he knocked over another brick and yelled "Falling Brick!" and it
just missed the second man, who offered him $200 for saving his
life.
The worker continued this throughout the day, each time getting
larger and larger amounts of money. Finally he seen this one
guy walking underneath and he thought 'oh this guy is probably
going to be worth a fortune, so he knocks over the brick and
yells "Falling Brick!", it just misses the guy's shoulder by a
hair and the worker comes down and apologizes to the man:
"Sir, I'm so sorry, I almost hit you with that brick, are you
ok?" the man replies with a bad stutter "t-t-t-t-thank
y-y-y-you f-f-f-for s-s-s-saving m-m-m-m-my life, h-h-h-here's
$500", the worker feels bad and says "I'm sorry sir, I can't
possibly take your money, the first time that it happened it was
an accident, but people kept giving me money, so I kept doing
it". The man then asked "d-d-d-do y-y-y-you t-t-t-think I-I-I-I
c-c-c-could t-t-try?", the worker thought about it for moment
and finally said "sure, why not".
They both climb back up to the work platform and the man is
standing there looking down and knocks a brick over and yells
out "F-F-F-F-F-F-FUCK I HIT HIM"!
#Post#: 17689--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: Guderian 9139 Date: January 16, 2015, 8:35 am
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HA ! Good one Hab ! :thumb:
#Post#: 17698--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: XBattleAxeX Date: January 16, 2015, 9:35 am
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A fellow goes to his doctor for his annual check up.
Upon returning home his wife asks him "Well...what did the
doctor say"
"Same as last year" he replies " He told me to lose weight and
quit smoking"
"Excellent advice" the wife responds..."So what are you going to
do?"
The man thinks for a second and replies...
"Find a fat doctor who smokes"
#Post#: 17753--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: SnifflyGosling7 Date: January 16, 2015, 8:44 pm
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I have been having some anal pains. Hemorrhoids maybe. My
mother in law has some suppositories for that so I got into
those. I didn't notice any difference, so I figured maybe you
are supposed to chew them instead of just swallowing them. Phew
that is rough! Nasty taste until your mouth goes dead. I
yelled to my mother-in law to come help me, but my tongue had
shrunk up so much I couldn't talk without about swallowing it.
Later after a miserable time, there didn't seem to be any change
where the things are supposed to work. I told my mother-in-law
what had happened and she told me to stick them where the sun
don't shine. Rude old woman! Ungrateful thing.
Anybody got any suggestions on what does work? Thanks in pain,
Sniffly
#Post#: 17758--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: sir adb Date: January 17, 2015, 8:00 am
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What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick
And now for some elephant jokes:
How many elephants can you fit in a mini cooper? Four, 2 in the
front, 2 in the back.
How do you get an elephant in the fridge? Open the door, put in
the elephant, close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Open the door, take out
the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
The Lion king throws a huge party for the animals. On the way
you come across a crocodile filled stream, how do you cross?
You walk over, the crocodiles are at the party.
You get to the party, what animals are there? All of them but
the giraffe who's still in the fridge.
How do you tell if there's and elephant in your fridge? Foot
prints in the potato salad.
How do you tell if there's 2 elephants in your fridge? You can
hear them chatting at night.
How do you tell if there's 3 elephants in your fridge? The door
doesn't quite close.
How do you tell if there's 4 elephants in your fridge? There's a
mini cooper parked in your driveway.
#Post#: 17844--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: Guderian 9139 Date: January 19, 2015, 11:40 am
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Time for a Polish Joke
A man emigrated from Poland and married an American girl.
Although the man did not speak English very well, they got along
quite nicely for several years until one day he rushed into his
lawyer's office and asked him to arrange a divorce.
Have you any grounds?
Yes, acre and a half with nice little home.
No, sir. I mean what is the foundation of the case?
It is made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a grudge?
No, we have carport and not need one.
I mean...what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in you marriage.
Yes we have hi fidelity stereo and Blu-ray player.
...Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is she a nagger?
No, she is white.
Sir...Why do you want a divorce?
She is going to kill me.
What makes you say that?
I have proof.
What sort of proof?
She bought bottle at drugstore, I see it in medicine chest.
I read English...it says "Polish Remover"
#Post#: 17846--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: SgtEhrenfried Date: January 19, 2015, 12:19 pm
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A Polish gentleman was walking on the beach when he found an old
metal oil lamp in the sand. He picked it up wiping off the sand.
A genie appeared from the lamp saying, "Oh great Master. For
freeing me from the lamp I will grant you three wishes."
The Polish man thought for a while and said:
"I want Genghis Khan and his Mongol hordes to rise from their
graves, and ride to the Polish border, brandishing their
weapons, and then go back where they came from."
The genie thought this was odd, but said, "It is done, Master.
What is your second wish?"
The Polish man said, "I want Genghis Khan and his Mongol hordes
to rise from their graves, and ride to the Polish border,
brandishing their weapons, and then go back where they came
from."
The genie was surprised by this but said, "It is done Master.
What is your third and final wish?"
The Polish man said, "I want Genghis Khan and his Mongol hordes
to rise from their graves, and ride to the Polish border,
brandishing their weapons, and then go back where they came
from."
The genie said, "It is done. You have no more wishes and now I
will leave. Be for I go I must ask why did you wish for, Genghis
Khan and his Mongol hordes to rise from their graves, and ride
to the Polish border, brandishing their weapons, and then go
back where they came from, three times?"
The Polish man grinned saying, "Genghis Khan and his Mongol
hordes have just marched through RUSSIA six times!"
#Post#: 17850--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dial-a-Joke
By: bigboldc Date: January 19, 2015, 12:35 pm
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[quote author=sir adb link=topic=1354.msg17758#msg17758
date=1421503215]
What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick
And now for some elephant jokes:
How many elephants can you fit in a mini cooper? Four, 2 in the
front, 2 in the back.
How do you get an elephant in the fridge? Open the door, put in
the elephant, close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Open the door, take out
the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
The Lion king throws a huge party for the animals. On the way
you come across a crocodile filled stream, how do you cross?
You walk over, the crocodiles are at the party.
You get to the party, what animals are there? All of them but
the giraffe who's still in the fridge.
How do you tell if there's and elephant in your fridge? Foot
prints in the potato salad.
How do you tell if there's 2 elephants in your fridge? You can
hear them chatting at night.
How do you tell if there's 3 elephants in your fridge? The door
doesn't quite close.
How do you tell if there's 4 elephants in your fridge? There's a
mini cooper parked in your driveway.
[/quote]j
You forgot, 2 elephants fall of a cliff. Boom boom
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