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       #Post#: 1257--------------------------------------------------
       Trinneth I Swear To The Gods If You Read This Journal I'll
       Fvcking Kill You
   DIR By: guest6
       Date: March 18, 2025, 3:25 am
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       [glow=black,2,300][font=georgia]
       Raja Satine Mourntide
       Kyanite Inama of the Muir
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       [color=black][font=georgia][size=11pt]|| Just because I am used
       to getting my way does not mean I do not feel like I’m trapped
       in a prison. ||
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       [color=black][font=georgia]
       Dear diary or whatever. I don't even know anymore. Is writing in
       here even doing anything?
       Ugh....no that's not right. I cannot even think of the right
       vocalization to write for this because WHAT EVEN??? MAGIC?!
       [color=maroon][shadow=red,left][glow=black,5,300][size=18pt]GAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!![/glow][/shadow]
       HOW? WHY? WHY ME?! What do I even do?
       I have always wanted to leave and get away, runaway, but this is
       more. This is no longer a want anymore, it is a need. It is
       safety, my life. I cannot stay here and get found out. It is bad
       enough Sahil still expects me to marry our brother, but if they
       find out about this? I...there are too many possibilities.
       It is bad enough Trin found out, but Siffen...I...I almost
       killed him today. And I know I talked him down a bit, but there
       is no way he is not going to tell my brothers. I mean, he did
       get in the way of course, but still. If I cannot control this,
       then they will see me as a threat to them and....
       Ok...enough of that.
       I'm alive. What the fvck was that in the library though?!
       Did....did I cause that? No no. It could not have been. I barely
       figured out that hand thing with Trin last night. Those inky
       black tentacles though....I do not want to admit, but I have to.
       That was me. Those came from me somehow.
       And they felt like my dreams. They did not look anything like
       them, but they still felt the same. So that means my
       dreams...uhh my nightmares have been magic. Right??? I suppose
       that is as good an explanation as any. I suppose it is better
       than some of the other options. Hells, it is a terrible option,
       but it is the best case explanation when all things are
       considered.
       They might be fun in other ways if I can figure that...not now
       Raja. Focus.
       You know, I always thought the whole anonymity of masks at the
       masquerades was fun and enticing and would be really....fun
       (wink wink), but now that I have met this Zetsubo...I have to
       say, it is actually really off putting. How am I supposed to
       know what he might be thinking or plotting? How am I supposed to
       know if he is trustworthy. He CERTAINLY does not come across as
       safe, and I know mother would have told me "Spending time with
       that man is not prudent for a young lady as yourself. You must
       always mind your safety, [glow=maroon,2,300]especially[/glow]
       with men, dear."
       Yet, I cannot explain it, but I am certain he has nothing of the
       sort on his mind. Leastwise concerning me.
       Strange how something can be a fantasy in one setting, but
       return with unnerving displeasure whenever removed from the
       nuanced context it was first imagined and entertained.
       I hope that is not to be the case with leaving. Thank the GODS I
       am....wait. No.
       I do not know. We talked about it, entertained the idea the
       other night, but would we? I barely know these other people, and
       just because one of them happens to maybe know of a way in to
       learn more about Darkouma??? Why am I thinking of this from a
       political justifi...oh. That would be why. Because if I can
       justify it politically, I can keep my brothers from forcing me
       to return. Possibly. For a little while at least.
       And of course I am intrigued by the possibility of learning more
       about Darkouma and experiencing a place so vast and foreign in
       every way in person, but that is not why I want to leave. And of
       course the library sounds empyrean. I would love to see and
       visit, but that is only motivation to leave.
       Why am I trying to debate this again? I have already made up my
       mind. I AM leaving. We just need a plan.
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       [font=georgia][size=11pt] || Men…such children’s toys ||
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