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#Post#: 4814--------------------------------------------------
Brightclaw of ThunderClan
By: DragonGamer01 Date: November 15, 2012, 12:20 pm
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Name;; Brightclaw
Age;; 14 moons
Gender;; Male
Orientation;; straight
Alliance;; ThunderClan
Appearance {at least four sentences};; Brightclaw has a long,
soft, golden pelt that shines in the sunlight. He has very few
scars from past battles of his, except the huge battle scar
across his eye. It's healed a small bit, getting smaller every
season. His tail is long and golden with a white tip at the end.
His ears are an average size of any cats ears as a young adult.
His ears have small cuts on the tip though. His claws are long
and pearl like, sharp enough to easily peirce another cats skin.
Brightclaw's eyes are dark green with lighter, brighter flecks
of green.
Personality {at least four sentences};; Brightclaw is really
quiet and shy around strangers, this can be easily noticed
because he stammers and talks quiet when someone he doesn't know
talks to him. He is the total opposite around friends, being
known to be pretty outgoing once you get to know him. Brightclaw
is very inteligent and can easily solve problems, no matter how
difficult the task. He can mostly be calm in almost every
situation, except if he's grumpy and you get him angry- which
almost never happens. When Brightclaw is angry though, he
continues to be in a bad mood for the rest of the day.
History {at least six sentences};; Brightclaw was born in
ThunderClan and was nursed by his mother, Dawntail, until the
age of three moons because she was killed by a fox. He was very
disciplined by his father when he was an apprentice because of
his fathers anger and only thinks of Brightclaw as a reminder of
his mother. He found a rouge named Hawk, who turned out to be
his best friend after he joined ThunderClan and became a warrior
even though they are complete opposites. He never had any love
interests throughout his life, especially since other Clanmates
would make fun of him when he was an apprentice. His only war he
went into was a battle with WindClan when he just turned into a
warrior. He has turned into the best hunter in ThunderClan due
to practice of hunting for himself, during his fathers tests,
and usually he hunts for his Clan. Brightclaw has grew up to be
an experienced warrior and hasn't trained an apprentice. Now
that he has gotten older he found out that he has had small
crushes within the last moon.
Role-play sample {required for your first advanced biography};;
Brightclaw ran towards the Ancient Oak, where he could smell a
fox scent, getting stronger and stronger as he got closer. "I
might want to see how many foxes are in there just to make sure
it isn't a huge a problem." Brightclaw thought to himself,
hoping that a fox or two wouldn't be that much of a threat. He
slowed his pace so he could take a quick glance into the burrow.
"Only one fox... Thank StarClan!" Brightclaw whispered and let
out a sigh of relief. He quietly backed away from the fox
burrow. "I should warn my Clan." Brightclaw said as he sprinted
towards ThunderClan camp to warn his leader. As the camp
entrance came into view, Brightclaw decided to walk so no one
would know that there was a fox out in the forest. Knowing from
past experiences, it wasn't a good idea to let the whole Clan
know what was going on. Panicking cats was something that the
Clan didn't need right now, especially since there was so much
tension in the Clans. Right as he got into camp he tried to act
casual as he headed straight to his leader's den, knowing that
he will know what to do.
Comments;; Thanks for reading!
#Post#: 5678--------------------------------------------------
Re: Brightclaw of ThunderClan
By: Savvy Date: November 24, 2012, 8:39 pm
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[quote author=DragonGamer01 link=topic=334.msg4814#msg4814
date=1353003600]
Name;; Brightclaw
Age;; 14 moons
Gender;; Male
Orientation;; straight
Alliance;; ThunderClan
Appearance {at least four sentences};; Brightclaw has a long,
soft, golden pelt that shines in the sunlight. He has very few
scars from past battles of his, except the huge battle scar
across his eye. It's healed a small bit, getting smaller every
season. His tail is long and golden with a white tip at the end.
His ears are an average size of any cats ears as a young adult.
His ears have small cuts on the tip though. His claws are long
and pearl like, sharp enough to easily peirce another cats skin.
Brightclaw's eyes are dark green with lighter, brighter flecks
of green.
Personality {at least four sentences};; Brightclaw is really
quiet and shy around strangers, this can be easily noticed
because he stammers and talks quiet when someone he doesn't know
talks to him. He is the total opposite around friends, being
known to be pretty outgoing once you get to know him. Brightclaw
is very inteligent and can easily solve problems, no matter how
difficult the task. He can mostly be calm in almost every
situation, except if he's grumpy and you get him angry- which
almost never happens. When Brightclaw is angry though, he
continues to be in a bad mood for the rest of the day.
History {at least six sentences};; Brightclaw was born in
ThunderClan and was nursed by his mother, Dawntail, until the
age of three moons because she was killed by a fox. He was very
disciplined by his father when he was an apprentice because of
his fathers anger and only thinks of Brightclaw as a reminder of
his mother. He found a rouge named Hawk, who turned out to be
his best friend after he joined ThunderClan and became a warrior
even though they are complete opposites. He never had any love
interests throughout his life, especially since other Clanmates
would make fun of him when he was an apprentice. His only war he
went into was a battle with WindClan when he just turned into a
warrior. He has turned into the best hunter in ThunderClan due
to practice of hunting for himself, during his fathers tests,
and usually he hunts for his Clan. Brightclaw has grew up to be
an experienced warrior and hasn't trained an apprentice. Now
that he has gotten older he found out that he has had small
crushes within the last moon.
Role-play sample {required for your first advanced biography};;
Brightclaw ran towards the Ancient Oak, where he could smell a
fox scent, getting stronger and stronger as he got closer. "I
might want to see how many foxes are in there just to make sure
it isn't a huge a problem." Brightclaw thought to himself,
hoping that a fox or two wouldn't be that much of a threat. He
slowed his pace so he could take a quick glance into the burrow.
"Only one fox... Thank StarClan!" Brightclaw whispered and let
out a sigh of relief. He quietly backed away from the fox
burrow. "I should warn my Clan." Brightclaw said as he sprinted
towards ThunderClan camp to warn his leader. As the camp
entrance came into view, Brightclaw decided to walk so no one
would know that there was a fox out in the forest. Knowing from
past experiences, it wasn't a good idea to let the whole Clan
know what was going on. Panicking cats was something that the
Clan didn't need right now, especially since there was so much
tension in the Clans. Right as he got into camp he tried to act
casual as he headed straight to his leader's den, knowing that
he will know what to do.
Comments;; Thanks for reading!
[/quote]
Hey there! I am Savvy! There seems to be a few things that can
be fixed.
1) There are a few spelling errors, and it wouldn't hurt to
check for mechanical errors also.
2) Your sentence are choppy and don't seem to be... flow y. Try
reading it out loud to your self. I find that it helps.
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