DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Willow Warriors RPG
HTML https://willowwarriors.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Character Creations (Advanced)
*****************************************************
#Post#: 2667--------------------------------------------------
{{Foxpaw}} {{Of}} {{RiverClan}} {{Apprentice}}
By: ElectricPikachu Date: November 1, 2012, 10:27 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[center][font=comic sans ms]Name;; Foxpaw
Age;; 8 Moons
Gender;; She-Cat
Orientation;; Straight
Alliance;; RiverClan
Appearance {at least four sentences};; A young slimming orange
tabby she-cat apprentice with long, beautiful and shining claws.
Foxpaw has the most beautiful, long and shimmering whiskers.
Foxpaw also has three scars on her flank and one scar across her
left eye. Also with beautiful, short glossy orange fur and has a
long wavy tail with a patch of white on the end. She also has
bright ocean blue eyes, with a white spot around her left eye
and white paws. Her dark orange stripes shine with the rest of
her beautiful orange pelt.
Personality {at least four sentences};; Foxpaw is a funny but
loyal apprentice, that would never break the warrior code. She
is also outgoing and a little hot-tempered, and she also is very
imaginative and often sees things that are not there. Sometimes
she doesn't mind getting dirty, especially when she is
adventuring. For her hot-tempered attitude she would never cause
a fight and would never want to be in one, unless it was a
battle against the other clans. Foxpaw kindhearted, friendly and
nice, always wanting to make new friends. Foxpaw is very
talkative and secretive, she would never break a promise or tell
a lie.
History {at least six sentences};; Foxkit was born on a rainy
day in RiverClan, she only lived in RiverClan for one day. Her
father was a ThunderClan warrior, and her mother was a RiverClan
Queen. The father took Foxkit, while the mother kept three in
her clan. The mating of her parents was a betrayal the RiverClan
and ThunderClan. The young kit grew up in ThunderClan with a
foster mother, she became Foxpaw at the age of six moons.
Foxpaw's father died from green-cough that Leaf-Bare, with his
last word telling her that her mother was from RiverClan. So one
night she snook out of camp and went to RiverClan. She joined
RiverClan still being called Foxpaw, she lived there for two
moons till where she is now.
Role-play sample {required for your first advanced biography};;
The young apprentice, Foxpaw woke up to the break of dawn when
the birds started singing there morning song. The other
apprentices still sleeping, but there was the deputy making
patrols. Foxpaw walked up to the deputy and asked in a soft meow
"Can I go on a Patrol?". She looked over seeing Rapidriver, a
warrior looking over to her signaling to come over. "Yes a
patrol!" Foxpaw thought and ran over to join the patrol. She
walked with Rapidriver and her hunting patrol, they started
heading towards the river the hunt fish. They got to the river,
Foxpaw gracefully got a fish out of the water. She tried to to
kill it, but it slapped her a couple times and slipped away.
When she heard the patrol laughing, she yelled "Stop laughing!
It's not funny!" then bounded off. Someone stopped her when she
was almost to camp, "It's okay, where sorry" meowed the
apprentice, Pebblepaw. Foxpaw looked at her, Pebblepaw meowed
again "Can you come back?" Foxpaw nodded and followed her back
to the river with the hunting patrol, then she got there, it
looked like as if nothing happened. The tabby she-cat started
hunting fish with Pebblepaw, Rapidriver and the patrol.
Comments;; Did my best like always! C:[/font][/center]
#Post#: 2668--------------------------------------------------
Re: {{Foxpaw}} {{Of}} {{RiverClan}} {{Apprentice}}
By: ElectricPikachu Date: November 1, 2012, 10:28 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[center][font=comic sans ms]BUMP![/font][/center]
#Post#: 2698--------------------------------------------------
Re: {{Foxpaw}} {{Of}} {{RiverClan}} {{Apprentice}}
By: Shannon Date: November 1, 2012, 5:49 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[spoiler][quote author=ElectricPikachu
link=topic=220.msg2667#msg2667 date=1351783651]
[center][font=comic sans ms]Name;; Foxpaw
Age;; 8 Moons
Gender;; She-Cat
Orientation;; Straight
Alliance;; RiverClan
Appearance {at least four sentences};; A young slimming orange
tabby she-cat apprentice with long, beautiful and shining claws.
Foxpaw has the most beautiful, long and shimmering whiskers.
Foxpaw also has three scars on her flank and one scar across her
left eye. Also with beautiful, short glossy orange fur and has a
long wavy tail with a patch of white on the end. She also has
bright ocean blue eyes, with a white spot around her left eye
and white paws. Her dark orange stripes shine with the rest of
her beautiful orange pelt.
Personality {at least four sentences};; Foxpaw is a funny but
loyal apprentice, that would never break the warrior code. She
is also outgoing and a little hot-tempered, and she also is very
imaginative and often sees things that are not there. She is
very adventurous and doesn't mind getting dirty sometimes. For
her hot-tempered attitude she would never cause a fight and
would never want to be in one. She kindhearted, friendly and
nice, always wanting to make new friends. Foxpaw is very
talkative and secretive, she would never break a promise or tell
a lie.
History {at least six sentences};; Foxkit was born on a rainy
day in RiverClan, she only lived in RiverClan for 1 day.
Foxkit's father was a ThunderClan warrior, and her mother was a
RiverClan Queen. The father took Foxkit, while the mother kept 3
in her clan. The mating of her parents was a betrayal the
RiverClan and ThunderClan. Foxkit grew up in ThunderClan with a
foster mother, she became Foxpaw at the age of 6 Moons. Foxpaw's
father died from green-cough that Leaf-Bare, with his last word
telling her that her mother was from RiverClan. So one night
Foxpaw sneaked out of camp and went to RiverClan. She joined
RiverClan still being called Foxpaw, she lived there for 2 Moons
till where she is now.
Role-play sample {required for your first advanced biography};;
The young apprentice, Foxpaw woke up to the break of dawn when
the birds started singing there morning song. The other
apprentices still sleeping, but there was the deputy making
patrols. She walked up to the deputy and asked in a soft meow
"Can I go on a Patrol?". She looked over seeing Rapidriver, a
warrior looking over to her signaling to come over. "Yes a
patrol!" Foxpaw thought and ran over to join the patrol. Foxpaw
walked with Rapidriver and her hunting patrol, they started
heading towards the river the hunt fish. They got to the river,
Foxpaw gracefully got a fish out of the water. She tried to to
kill it, but it slapped her a couple times and slipped away.
Foxpaw heard the patrol laughing "Stop laughing! It's not
funny!" she yelled and then bounded off. She was almost to camp
when someone stopped her, "It's okay, where sorry" meowed the
apprentice, Pebblepaw. Foxpaw looked at her, Pebblepaw meowed
again "Can you come back?" Foxpaw nodded and followed her back
to the river with the hunting patrol, then she got there, it
looked like as if nothing happened. Foxpaw started hunting fish
with Pebblepaw, Rapidriver and the patrol.
Comments;; Did my best like always! C:[/font][/center]
[/quote][/spoiler]
Hi! This bio is looking good, but I noticed that there were some
choppy sentences, and for numbers, we use words, eg. 2 becomes
two. Once you edit, bump it!
#Post#: 2701--------------------------------------------------
Re: {{Foxpaw}} {{Of}} {{RiverClan}} {{Apprentice}}
By: ElectricPikachu Date: November 1, 2012, 5:52 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[center][font=comic sans ms]BUMP![/font][/center]
#Post#: 2706--------------------------------------------------
Re: {{Foxpaw}} {{Of}} {{RiverClan}} {{Apprentice}}
By: Shannon Date: November 1, 2012, 5:57 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[spoiler][quote author=ElectricPikachu
link=topic=220.msg2667#msg2667 date=1351783651]
[center][font=comic sans ms]Name;; Foxpaw
Age;; 8 Moons
Gender;; She-Cat
Orientation;; Straight
Alliance;; RiverClan
Appearance {at least four sentences};; A young slimming orange
tabby she-cat apprentice with long, beautiful and shining claws.
Foxpaw has the most beautiful, long and shimmering whiskers.
Foxpaw also has three scars on her flank and one scar across her
left eye. Also with beautiful, short glossy orange fur and has a
long wavy tail with a patch of white on the end. She also has
bright ocean blue eyes, with a white spot around her left eye
and white paws. Her dark orange stripes shine with the rest of
her beautiful orange pelt.
Personality {at least four sentences};; Foxpaw is a funny but
loyal apprentice, that would never break the warrior code. She
is also outgoing and a little hot-tempered, and she also is very
imaginative and often sees things that are not there. She is
very adventurous and doesn't mind getting dirty sometimes. For
her hot-tempered attitude she would never cause a fight and
would never want to be in one. She kindhearted, friendly and
nice, always wanting to make new friends. Foxpaw is very
talkative and secretive, she would never break a promise or tell
a lie.
History {at least six sentences};; Foxkit was born on a rainy
day in RiverClan, she only lived in RiverClan for one day.
Foxkit's father was a ThunderClan warrior, and her mother was a
RiverClan Queen. The father took Foxkit, while the mother kept
three in her clan. The mating of her parents was a betrayal the
RiverClan and ThunderClan. Foxkit grew up in ThunderClan with a
foster mother, she became Foxpaw at the age of six moons.
Foxpaw's father died from green-cough that Leaf-Bare, with his
last word telling her that her mother was from RiverClan. So one
night Foxpaw sneaked out of camp and went to RiverClan. She
joined RiverClan still being called Foxpaw, she lived there for
two moons till where she is now.
Role-play sample {required for your first advanced biography};;
The young apprentice, Foxpaw woke up to the break of dawn when
the birds started singing there morning song. The other
apprentices still sleeping, but there was the deputy making
patrols. She walked up to the deputy and asked in a soft meow
"Can I go on a Patrol?". She looked over seeing Rapidriver, a
warrior looking over to her signaling to come over. "Yes a
patrol!" Foxpaw thought and ran over to join the patrol. Foxpaw
walked with Rapidriver and her hunting patrol, they started
heading towards the river the hunt fish. They got to the river,
Foxpaw gracefully got a fish out of the water. She tried to to
kill it, but it slapped her a couple times and slipped away.
Foxpaw heard the patrol laughing "Stop laughing! It's not
funny!" she yelled and then bounded off. She was almost to camp
when someone stopped her, "It's okay, where sorry" meowed the
apprentice, Pebblepaw. Foxpaw looked at her, Pebblepaw meowed
again "Can you come back?" Foxpaw nodded and followed her back
to the river with the hunting patrol, then she got there, it
looked like as if nothing happened. Foxpaw started hunting fish
with Pebblepaw, Rapidriver and the patrol.
Comments;; Did my best like always! C:[/font][/center]
[/quote][/spoiler]
It's looking even better, but I noticed that you start a lot of
sentences with Foxpaw/Foxkit. Once edited, bump
#Post#: 2712--------------------------------------------------
Re: {{Foxpaw}} {{Of}} {{RiverClan}} {{Apprentice}}
By: ElectricPikachu Date: November 1, 2012, 6:02 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[center][font=comic sans ms]BUMP!![/font][/center]
#Post#: 2803--------------------------------------------------
Re: {{Foxpaw}} {{Of}} {{RiverClan}} {{Apprentice}}
By: Shannon Date: November 1, 2012, 9:16 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[spoiler][quote author=ElectricPikachu
link=topic=220.msg2667#msg2667 date=1351783651]
[center][font=comic sans ms]Name;; Foxpaw
Age;; 8 Moons
Gender;; She-Cat
Orientation;; Straight
Alliance;; RiverClan
Appearance {at least four sentences};; A young slimming orange
tabby she-cat apprentice with long, beautiful and shining claws.
Foxpaw has the most beautiful, long and shimmering whiskers. She
also has three scars on her flank and one scar across her left
eye. Also with beautiful, short glossy orange fur and has a long
wavy tail with a patch of white on the end. She also has bright
ocean blue eyes, with a white spot around her left eye and white
paws. Her dark orange stripes shine with the rest of her
beautiful orange pelt.
Personality {at least four sentences};; Foxpaw is a funny but
loyal apprentice, that would never break the warrior code. She
is also outgoing and a little hot-tempered, and she also is very
imaginative and often sees things that are not there. She is
very adventurous and doesn't mind getting dirty sometimes. For
her hot-tempered attitude she would never cause a fight and
would never want to be in one. She kindhearted, friendly and
nice, always wanting to make new friends. Foxpaw is very
talkative and secretive, she would never break a promise or tell
a lie.
History {at least six sentences};; Foxkit was born on a rainy
day in RiverClan, she only lived in RiverClan for one day. Her
father was a ThunderClan warrior, and her mother was a RiverClan
Queen. The father took Foxkit, while the mother kept three in
her clan. The mating of her parents was a betrayal the RiverClan
and ThunderClan. The young kit grew up in ThunderClan with a
foster mother, she became Foxpaw at the age of six moons.
Foxpaw's father died from green-cough that Leaf-Bare, with his
last word telling her that her mother was from RiverClan. So one
night she snook out of camp and went to RiverClan. She joined
RiverClan still being called Foxpaw, she lived there for two
moons till where she is now.
Role-play sample {required for your first advanced biography};;
The young apprentice, Foxpaw woke up to the break of dawn when
the birds started singing there morning song. The other
apprentices still sleeping, but there was the deputy making
patrols. She walked up to the deputy and asked in a soft meow
"Can I go on a Patrol?". She looked over seeing Rapidriver, a
warrior looking over to her signaling to come over. "Yes a
patrol!" Foxpaw thought and ran over to join the patrol. She
walked with Rapidriver and her hunting patrol, they started
heading towards the river the hunt fish. They got to the river,
Foxpaw gracefully got a fish out of the water. She tried to to
kill it, but it slapped her a couple times and slipped away.
When she heard the patrol laughing, she yelled "Stop laughing!
It's not funny!" then bounded off. She was almost to camp when
someone stopped her, "It's okay, where sorry" meowed the
apprentice, Pebblepaw. Foxpaw looked at her, Pebblepaw meowed
again "Can you come back?" Foxpaw nodded and followed her back
to the river with the hunting patrol, then she got there, it
looked like as if nothing happened. The tabby she-cat started
hunting fish with Pebblepaw, Rapidriver and the patrol.
Comments;; Did my best like always! C:[/font][/center]
[/quote][/spoiler]
Now most of your sentences start with "She". Instead try other
words or turn the sentence backwards. For example, She stretched
her muscles as the sun shone on her back. Backwards: The sun
shone on her back as she stretched her muscles. Other word:
Stretching her muscles, the sun shone on Blah's back. There were
also a few choppy sentences. Sorry if this is getting annoying,
but just trying to help.
#Post#: 4611--------------------------------------------------
Re: {{Foxpaw}} {{Of}} {{RiverClan}} {{Apprentice}}
By: ElectricPikachu Date: November 13, 2012, 5:49 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
What? most of the sentences don't start with a she! I'm
confused........can you read it again i think you got something
wrong. Well...........BUMP!!
#Post#: 4620--------------------------------------------------
Re: {{Foxpaw}} {{Of}} {{RiverClan}} {{Apprentice}}
By: Shannon Date: November 13, 2012, 7:10 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=ElectricPikachu link=topic=220.msg2667#msg2667
date=1351783651]
[center][font=comic sans ms]Name;; Foxpaw
Age;; 8 Moons
Gender;; She-Cat
Orientation;; Straight
Alliance;; RiverClan
Appearance {at least four sentences};; A young slimming orange
tabby she-cat apprentice with long, beautiful and shining claws.
Foxpaw has the most beautiful, long and shimmering whiskers.
[color=red]She also has three scars on her flank and one scar
across her left eye. Also with beautiful, short glossy orange
fur and has a long wavy tail with a patch of white on the end.
She also has bright ocean blue eyes, with a white spot around
her left eye and white paws. Her dark orange stripes shine with
the rest of her beautiful orange pelt.
Personality {at least four sentences};; Foxpaw is a funny but
loyal apprentice, that would never break the warrior code. She
is also outgoing and a little hot-tempered, and she also is very
imaginative and often sees things that are not there. She is
very adventurous and doesn't mind getting dirty sometimes. For
her hot-tempered attitude she would never cause a fight and
would never want to be in one. She kindhearted, friendly and
nice, always wanting to make new friends. Foxpaw is very
talkative and secretive, she would never break a promise or tell
a lie.
History {at least six sentences};; Foxkit was born on a rainy
day in RiverClan, she only lived in RiverClan for one day. Her
father was a ThunderClan warrior, and her mother was a RiverClan
Queen. The father took Foxkit, while the mother kept three in
her clan. The mating of her parents was a betrayal the RiverClan
and ThunderClan. The young kit grew up in ThunderClan with a
foster mother, she became Foxpaw at the age of six moons.
Foxpaw's father died from green-cough that Leaf-Bare, with his
last word telling her that her mother was from RiverClan. So one
night she snook out of camp and went to RiverClan. She joined
RiverClan still being called Foxpaw, she lived there for two
moons till where she is now.
Role-play sample {required for your first advanced biography};;
The young apprentice, Foxpaw woke up to the break of dawn when
the birds started singing there morning song. The other
apprentices still sleeping, but there was the deputy making
patrols. She walked up to the deputy and asked in a soft meow
"Can I go on a Patrol?". She looked over seeing Rapidriver, a
warrior looking over to her signaling to come over. "Yes a
patrol!" Foxpaw thought and ran over to join the patrol. She
walked with Rapidriver and her hunting patrol, they started
heading towards the river the hunt fish. They got to the river,
Foxpaw gracefully got a fish out of the water. She tried to to
kill it, but it slapped her a couple times and slipped away.
When she heard the patrol laughing, she yelled "Stop laughing!
It's not funny!" then bounded off. She was almost to camp when
someone stopped her, "It's okay, where sorry" meowed the
apprentice, Pebblepaw. Foxpaw looked at her, Pebblepaw meowed
again "Can you come back?" Foxpaw nodded and followed her back
to the river with the hunting patrol, then she got there, it
looked like as if nothing happened. The tabby she-cat started
hunting fish with Pebblepaw, Rapidriver and the patrol.
Comments;; Did my best like always! C:[/color][/font][/center]
[/quote]
#Post#: 4670--------------------------------------------------
Re: {{Foxpaw}} {{Of}} {{RiverClan}} {{Apprentice}}
By: ElectricPikachu Date: November 14, 2012, 8:21 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[center][font=comic sans ms]BUMP!!!![/font][/center]
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page