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DIR Return to: Seeking That Elusive Quit
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#Post#: 6--------------------------------------------------
Frustration...
DIR By: chairperson
Date: March 23, 2019, 9:58 pm
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Addict:
Wake up and smell the nitroglycerin you moron. I知 popping
nitroglycerin like an eighty year old, smoking cigarettes with
my usual two pots of coffee. Am I really a ****ing imbecile? How
did I ever allow this addiction to have such power in my life?
Will I ever hit bottom as I did with alcohol? Apparently not.
Just keep telling myself, one more day, just wait until XYZ has
come and gone, wait until I知 in the hospital after the next
heart attack, just wait, wait, wait, smoke, smoke, smoke.
I知 a big fat liar when I say I have a desire to be nicotine
free. I have no desire and no intention of becoming a
non-smoker. I am absolutely certain that I love smoking and that
it's the only thing that keeps me sane. What in God's name am I
afraid of? That I知 not me without cigarettes? That's
ridiculous. That my life could possibly become any more insane?
Not with-out being committed!
In fact that is precisely what is going to happen. The
psychiatrist has told me that in-patient treatment is the next
step. I refuse to accept that. Whoever heard of in-patient
treatment for nicotine? I知 not going to do it. I don't give a
**** anymore.
After all, I can only stay in a state of constant panic and
hysteria for so long. All the people here are as crazy as
bedbugs, talking about freedom and happiness while not smoking.
Wait for your miracle they say...don't quit be-fore the miracle
happens is the man-tra. I want to believe this but appar-ently I
am blinded by the fog of smoke. I go to meetings but apparently
am not listening carefully. I talk to my sponsor but don't apply
the things he says to my quit. So I quit and relapse, quit and
relapse, more than five months and I致e never been able to post
smoke free time. Am I stuck on stupid?
The group has given me everything I need to quit these ****
things. While in a meeting, I am convinced that I can do it, ten
minutes after the meeting I am smoking. This letter could go on
and on and on. Round and round and round and round and round and
round I go on the little hamster wheel, going no-where but to an
early grave. Joe
Joe gets a helping hand...
Hi Joe, not sure if this will help but here's my two cents worth
on (how to surrender.) I heard I can't, he can, so I'll let him!
It's more what I don't do than what I do. I also heard this is a
program of unlearning more than it is a program of learning. I
chose to smoke for a long time. Now they tell me I got to stop
choosing? Well I can't stop choosing. In and of myself I am
hopeless. In and of myself I can't do this.
But this Higher Power ? Well in the depths of my despair I
screamed Help and then I just gave up. The wind was all knocked
out of me. I was at my bottom. There is a grace where God can do
for me what I can't do for myself. And I let it. I just let it
happen. I give up.
UNCLE! Like I had to say to my older brothers when they had me
pinned when we were wrestling, although Nicotine ain't playing
around. And God takes care of the obsession. And I just have to
let God. My job is to stay out of the way. And it was the
cigarettes that got me there. Put me in a prison of my own
making. Helped me lie to me and tell me I got to answer the
craving call. Well I don't have to answer that craving call
anymore. I can stop believing that lie!
And when I feel the emptiness inside I reach out to people. They
share their experience, strength and hope and through them God
fills that hole, with things to do and people to try and help. I
suit up and do my part and I try to stay the heck out of God's
way. I let God do God's part.
Most of the time I don't have a clue other than just do the next
indicated step. I sit back and enjoy the ride, and letting God
do his work and five minutes later I do it all over again
because I宋e got to keep surrendering. And I co-operate most
times begrudgingly.
It beats the alternative. As I've heard said "I'd rather be on
the roller coaster of recovery than on the merry-go-round of my
disease." That's all folks. Kenny M.
Seven Minutes Dec 2005 Issue
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