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       #Post#: 180--------------------------------------------------
       Don't ever feel like it's ever enough
   DIR By: Admin
       Date: June 13, 2013, 5:48 pm
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       I suffer from what many of us call, "perfectionism", although
       I'm not OCD about every little detail. It's just that I'm highly
       competitive -- and if someone ever surpasses me, or if I have
       yet to become the best, I wither on the inside.
       I divide myself into numerous competitive areas, and that
       "GOGOGO" voice in me tells me to be the best in all of them.
       Academically (overall AND by class), within my JROTC unit (and
       since this has numerous teams, such as an academic team, an
       athletic team, drills teams, etc as well as ranks and
       recognition... you see?), Athletically overall, socially, in
       writing (since I hold this especially dear to me) -- all these
       things and more.
       I feel the need to conquer, to nearly wipe the floor with my
       rivals, but not because I like seeing them squirm; it's the
       principle of not being the best. It means I am powerless.
       I think it's because there were things that happened in my early
       childhood which I was powerless to prevent, and so that
       insecurity has dragged on into adolescence. It's a conflict I'm
       not sure how to resolve, except through appeasing my personal
       demon and being the best at everything I deem important.
       Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my opponents, I in fact respect
       them as an equal. But I am driven to become powerful over them,
       not for anyone else's respect...oh forget it, I try to shy away
       from recognition for the things I do but then get frustrated
       when it seems as though no one appreciates the abilities I have.
       Otherwise, I could care less about the opinions of others.
       I have issues, and insecurities galore. I want to overcome them,
       but the problem is whether it is best to appease that darker
       part of my ambition. The problem is that if I do, I feel like it
       will only ask for more, and more, until it demands me to be the
       best in the world at something or other.
       Yeah. Take from that what you will. I just needed to vent, and
       maybe to get some reassurance.
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